New & looking for advice - anxious mums post?

[JayHasit]

Hi,

I’ve never used these forums before but I have quite a wait until I can see my psychologist and would love for some perspective to get me through… I find myself a failure this evening..

I have two young children, a preschooler and a baby who is exclusively breastfed and won’t take a bottle.
I find myself cornered at the moment between my rising anxiety and the unfortunate fact that my baby has refused the bottle so most things I could take to get a reprieve from my symptoms have either an unknown or negative impact on her. Ive spoken to my gp who was quite useless unfortunately, I was hoping for something herbal to start taking the edge off that is unlikely to have major symptoms on the baby but rather than opine on any of that he just offers me anxiety medication like it was an m&m…

I have found myself overwhelmed by my symptoms yet again this evening and underwhelmed by my coping strategies.
I am completely fine, until I am not, and then an anxious mess. Fight response my typical go to, desperately controlled and only just held back by my burning desire to not have to pick up the pieces of my husband and kids after they feel the wrath of my temporary outburst.

I don’t know if there is a thread for the postnatal period somewhere or mums?

My baby doesn’t sleep well and my preschooler doesn’t sleep during the day and I just feel trapped and that my body is at its limit. I am so on edge my body doesn’t have the willpower to fight myself and my thought patterns. The worthlessness roles in.

I just want the internal critic to calm down.I know a good portion of our stress is a time of life fact. But I am so afraid that if I take the medication I will become addicted to the feeling of not fighting myself, yet be a mulled out marshmallow version of myself.

im not even sure what I’m looking for here to be honest. Personal experiences or PNA perhaps. Definitely any recommendations for herbal anxiety supplements while breastfeeding. The GP (under pressure to give my a name of anything at all) did just tell me to try a few different things, so apparently I’m free to explore haha 😂

the risk vs benefit here is an anxious mum vs babies side effects … it’s pretty hard to not feel like a failure when your options are to expose your developing infant to any chemical, natural or otherwise, that might impact their development, or continue to be and anxious version of yourself, and likely not be the best version of a mother for them. anything to help me cope this next week?

[geoff]

Hello JayHasit, hi and welcome.

Before I reply back you can contact Panda 1300 726 306 and talk with people who are experienced in this field.

I am deeply sorry for how you are feeling, and know what you are struggling with, my ex and myself have had to try and cope with when we had our second child and back then there wasn't much help available, fortunately, now there are places/people to contact that you can benefit from.

Being a new mum or an existing one like yourself, is not an easy feat because there is so much responsibility as well as the worry in providing what you believe is the best for your newborn or very young child, but when this doesn't happen may cause you to believe you may be doing something wrong, but no you're not, your baby has to learn on how to begin life, adjusting to what you try and offer them and know this can be stressful.

I don't know whether your doctor is a female, but perhaps this might be your best option to consult someone who may have been through this themselves at some stage and will then refer you to the appropriate people.

I'm sure other people will reply back to you, but please ask any question you like.

Take care.

Geoff.

[JayHasit]

Thanks Geoff

i greatly appreciate your reply and perspective. I had actually forgotten about Panda.

it is a really rough time of life and I struggle immensely with feeling like my kids are getting a rough time when I give them anything other than love adoration and perfectly crafted boundaries. The reality is they have a perfectly fine life.

The struggle is an internal one. I feel that I need to stop breastfeeding in order to get sleep and to start the path back to hormonal regulation but unfortunately the baby has other plans 😅. She’s not yet on solids so there’s little reprieve

Thanks again. It was somewhat therapeutic and somewhat confronting to write my feelings

[JayHasit]

Maybe I could ask how you and your ex coped with little help?

[geoff]

Hello JayHasit, thanks for getting back.

We had just bought a country pub with my ex's family and we were living on the premises and I was running it, fortunately my mother in law had also bought into it (under a bit of duress, that's another story), but she was a terrific help for our two children as my ex was suffering from PND, which I eventually developed as a result, but there was no one else to run the hotel as her family were al professionals and had no idea, so I had to continue running it.

I kept this illness to myself and nobody knew I had it, because at that stage I never knew the husband could also struggle with it, and didn't know about medication for men, even though my Dad was a GP.

I know it wasn't easy to cope with, pretending to all the customers that nothing was wrong and then going upstairs to try and help, thank goodness my MIL was there to help my ex as well as the kids.

You mustn't feel as though you have neglected your children because whatever love you could show your children would somehow be enough, I realise it's not your full love, but they seem to cope in certain circumstances and know that it does disappoint you, but please at the moment you are trying your best.

Sure there is a fine line, but perhaps we do more damage to ourselves with the worry and as much as we love them, we need to give ourselves some credit, and slowly bit by bit, please take some benefit if something changes, even slightly.

My best.

Geoff. x

[JayHasit]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience.

Other than being in a different time it sounds quite similar. My husband is starting out as a tradie and has to put a lot of energy into it, but does struggle with social anxiety himself and I suspect some depression lately too. I am lucky to have my mum around albeit her sympathy for mental health is not really there she has an old school ‘get on with it’ kind of attitude so I typically feel that I need to fib about why I need her help.
but I got out today with family and it was a good choice. I typically feel really guilty for asking for help but I think it needs to becone common place.
I need to move away from feeling that everything needs to be perfect. It’s a repeat offender in ruining a lot of things for me

Thankyou for your story and your sound advice

jess

[geoff]

Hello Jess, thank you also for sharing because it's always good to know that other have been through themselves or still suffering, and all types of depression need people who understand how you are feeling to be listened to.

It was much being in the 'old school' when this happened to my ex and myself, so I appreciate how your mum felt.

It must have been awful so many years ago, because I'm sure so many people did struggle with depression, but told to forget about it and just get on with their work, how these poor people must have suffered so terribly, so they didn't understand what the word depression actually meant.

When people were finally treated for depression, I wonder if this was a relief or not, may be only realising that at last this great sadness could be treated, whereas on the other foot, those that still never believed that it occurred weren't any help to those coming out and saying they do have it.

I'm sure there are still some people who believe it's all made up, as an elderly friend once told me, until he was put into a nursing home and developed depression, that's when he asked me why he was feeling like this, and said is this depression, that's the time he finally realised what it felt like.

When some people have OCD then everything has to be perfect, while on the other side some people are hoarders, but please don't be ashamed asking for help, that's what we need to do when we are struggling.

My very best.

Geoff. x

[JayHasit]

I can’t even imagine honestly. It feels like your a lesser human to feel this way, like you must have made a misstep somewhere.

I feel like many things contribute to poor mental health at the moment generally but also for mums. Diet, lack of exercise and outdoor recreation thanks to La Niña, babies, lack of connection thanks to covid shutting down so many mums groups and activities.

I hold out hope that things really will improve with time. I hope things have become easier for you over time too.

Stay well

Jess