My Introduction

[Micks101]

Gday all, my name is Michael, I'm 28 years old and living in Victoria. I felt that this was a good way of noting my thoughts and perhaps seek some advice from people with similar experiences.

As long as I can remember, I've always been an introvert and a bit of a social pariah. I had a reasonable childhood but had one parent who was not physically but mentally neglectful, by way of being over critical and lacking moral support during my upbringing. I was constantly reminded of how useless and hopeless I was, and that I would never amount to anything or achieve anything positive in my life.

I guess this view of myself had been imprinted from an early age and as a result I've never had a large amount of friends and as of today I have still never had an intimate relationship. I have traveled through my teens/twenties feeling like I am completely useless at everything I try and that I deserve to be alone and isolated from the world. Something I still struggle with today, however it is now worse as now I am a bit older I can reflect on my early life and realise the opportunities and experiences I have missed out on due to my mental state.

Despite these struggles I have shown to be aspirational and I did manage to achieve my dream job back in 2016, something that brings me great joy and happiness. I have had great experiences and met some amazing people. However it is only one aspect of my life I am proud of and I feel I have failed in other aspects of my life - I am single, struggling to buy a house and I spend a lot of time alone.

I guess that I am beginning to question why I have turned out the way I have - it can't be just because of my father's behaviour. I question why others have been able to create success whilst everything I try turns into a struggle or a fail. I often wonder if it's because I am a bad person? But there is still a small part of me that believes I am a good person - I am kind to everyone I meet, I treat everyone with respect and I care about those that matter to me. I feel I am a good friend to others and I think that they see my friendship as valuable. It seems though that this is not enough to be content with life - I still have so many aspirations and a younger me would have expected much better that what I am doing now.

Apologies for the long post but I hope it gives some insight into my story and what I've been dealing with. Thanks for your attention, it is much appreciated!

[Jamie4]

Hi Michael,

As I read through your post, I couldn’t help but to relate to your thoughts and feelings. My upbringing as a child was fairly similar to yours, as I too had a toxic and emotionally neglectful parent. I grew up to believe that I was unloved and unwanted. I was also blamed for not knowing that the men my mother invited into her bed were also a kiddie fiddlers.

I believe that this has led me to feel emotionless, and dead inside. I have never gotten close to anyone, and I’ve never really thought myself as having a lot of friends. I always believe that they would rather be hanging with someone better, or that I was too boring to the point that I wouldn’t even talk (but hey, I’m a great listener hahah). I convince myself that I’m okay being alone, because people can only disappoint you.

When you said “I often wonder if it’s because I’m a bad person?” That really hit home. On the very rare occasion that my emotions build up enough to the point of crying, all that runs through my head is asking myself if I’m a bad person. When I spend sleepless hours laying in bed, all I can think is that you’re awake and alert because you’re a bad person. Someone who didn’t accomplish enough during the day and as punishment my brain is running in circles with random thoughts.

Anyway, I’m pretty new to this whole thing, and this is actually my first response, so I am sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying. I’m not sure if my words will be helpful, but I felt like sharing after reading your story.

Thank you for sharing

Jamie

[Micks101]

Hey Jamie, thanks for reading and sharing your experience. It's like we're the same person haha! It's satisfying to hear that there are others out there who can relate to what I've gone through (not that I am an advocate for it)!

Take it easy and all the best in your journey!

[blondguy]

Hi Michael

Welcome to the forums and good on you for speaking from the heart as well as you have!

I understand your pain on this matter with a parent that has taken the critical path in our upbringing instead of a nurturing direction. My dad..(may he RIP) used to physically abuse my brothers and I. He used to say I was a loser...useless....etc etc...when I was a kid in Canada

Congrats on your achievement getting your dream job. Looking back at what we have been through does make us feel that we could have realised our full potential without the upbringing we have had. I get it Michael and yes it does can interfere with our adulthood for sure

Being single at 28.....and struggling to buy a house....That is very common Michael...After being emotionally abused by a parent it can sometimes have a detrimental affect on our relationships. Your ability to buy a house in this market will come...especially with the strength and focus you possess

When I started to read your post I noticed you are a proactive and caring individual. Please dont be hard on yourself where success is concerned. I used to have chronic anxiety for few years followed by generalised anxiety for 37 years and succeeded at boardroom level in senior corporate. I am 60 and in Victoria

No apologies necessary about the length of your post! You have an amazing attitude....Nice1

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post. Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family too 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Micks101]

Wow, many thanks Paul for the kind words and advice. It is a long a difficult road but it is great to be reminded that there are people out there who do care.

It's what gets me through each day - knowing that I have an amazing support group at my workplace. They probably don't realise how supportive and helpful they are, but they help me so much. I wish I could thank them and tell them how appreciative I am of their support and how much I value their (hopefully) friendships.

I see that I still have a fair way to go and lots of work to do but I hope I can turn myself around and dig myself out of this predicament as soon as I can, because despite feeling this way, I also think I do not deserve it.

Thanks again!