My introduction... Hello

[David Nobody]

Hi, it was suggested to me to visit here and share my experiences.

Depression combined with Aspergers makes my life difficult.

One day I woke up and found myself inside a mental “facility” and started using “documenting my thoughts” as a coping technique. That escalated to becoming my main avoidance technique.

I showed what I wrote to some people and they suggested I try to publish them. This only added to my stress.

After much time I have finally done that. Now I am trying to get someone to read my “story” to assist in understanding what goes through the mind of a depressed individual. My “book” is a collection of poetry with related commentary. I have been told it is good, but as one of my major “schema” is Negativity/Pessimism, I don’t know if I believe them.

Anyway, I’m here to share a bit of my story...

[Doolhof]

Hi David,

I asked the moderators to remove my message to you as I felt it was inappropriate. Sorry for my earlier response to you. At present I am dealing with my own mental health issues and that reflected in the words I chose to write.

I totally agree with you that depression IS A LONELY journey. Depression can make us feel like no one can help us and no one cares.

It makes me feel like I can't reach out to people because no one gets it.

If expressing yourself through words helps you, than please continue to do so.

Your poetry is powerful.

Cheers to you from Dools

[David Nobody]

No problems at all...

The hardest part for me is that most of my poetry contains my emotional extremities from a time when I was “at my lowest”. I need to be mindful of other people. Something I am not very good at. My skin is extremely thick, and it takes a lot to get through. Either good or bad.

D

[Doolhof]

Hi again David,

No doubt there are people who will be able to relate to what you have written in your lowest moments.

There may be some people who do not realise that others have experienced what they have. By sharing your words, you open up the opportunity for others to understand others acknowledge what they are experiencing.

Is it possible for you to express how you do feel when you have a moment when life is not so dark?

I have two journals. One I write all my dark and depressing thoughts in, the other I use for hope and to record the things that have gone well for me. Things or events I am grateful for.

I can write in my off loading journal then think of something positive to include in my hope journal, or if I can't come up with anything new, I can look in it and be reminded of past positives.

In your first post here you mentioned Aspergers, my husband has that. I realise at times it is difficult for him to comprehend the level of pain I am in, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Good communication helps!

Hope your day is going reasonably well.

Cheers from Dools

[lozs]

Thanks for sharing your poem David

[David Nobody]

Hi Dools,

for some reason I thought you were male... that’s not a bad comment by me, just what I thought. Actually reading your post again, I could be right in my assumption. But you know what assumption did? Made an ass out of u and mption... yes I groaned too.

As to your question... my recent post on (can we say Facebook?) was... something like (So it cant be searched for)

Is my happiness and a valid trade off for inspiration? When my life is less of an emotional roller coaster, there is also less writing... it’s depressing to be too “opposite of depressed” to be productive. I think I’m my own oxymoron.

I haven’t written anything for a week or so now. I don’t want to write negative stories, and I have no inspiration to write happy ones. And I’m not letting that stress me, because I still have around 600 unpublished “writings”, so I’m all set for my next 3 books.

I can’t remember where I was going with that story, so I’ll finish now.

David

[David Nobody]

My pleasure Lozs.

thankyou for your comment.

[blondguy]

Hey David

You are a legend for having the strength to jump in and be a part of the forums with your introduction

You enjoy writing when you can...I dont really have the motivation myself...I wish I did!

Can I ask what motivates you?.....If thats okay

Just sharing with you...I have had this horrible acute anxiety/depression for 36 years (in recovery now)

The forums are a Safe and non judgemental place for us to post David...otherwise I wouldnt be here

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[David Nobody]

Hi Paul,

thank you for your enthusiastic support.

I don’t see myself as a legend. Hiding behind a keyboard makes this a very safe place to be. I would never be able to talk like this in public, and I must belittle any achievement.

From when I was 40 (10ish years ago), newly divorced, and newly medicated, my motivation was simple, attempted “poetry seduction”. I don’t remember specifically what prompted it, but I think the intended victim was a school librarian, and I guess I thought the written word was a way into her feelings (pants)... oops did I write that or just think it? There were “just think how great our life together will be” (get me a bucket) to “omg I did it again” three poems later.

That was “After Marriage”. Then came “Hospitalisation”, which involved a lot of swear words, pain, memories (all bad), end of employment and end of any non-mandatory relationships. Finally comes “Treatment (or Avoidance)”, trying to get back into general survival, albeit reasonably unsuccessfully. Finishing around a year ago just after my 50th birthday.

Throughout the last two phases, the main motivation to write was to avoid “reality” and preserve my memory. They are all sad, dark, woe-is-me with a bit of sparkle sometimes, but not often. I narrated the whole journey, explaining or justifying everything. So it became essentially an autobiography.

How I Do It

Exertion gives my thoughts release
Memories pushed down, brain at peace
Each next mile buys some welcome time
Time to breathe though not time to shine

Walking the streets, around my town
This old man comes tumbling down
A sight that’s common, not so rare
People look at me, stop and stare

The thoughts I have, the things I see
I write them all down, one, two, three
This I do, so I don’t forget
Forget lots of things. Have we met?

The thought, the spark, it is fleeting
Like two brain cells, a short meeting
On my return, then I review
What I’ve written down, what is new

Sometimes they’re good, oft’ times they’re bad
The many thoughts are always sad
Two combined, a larger thought made
Even then might not make the grade

After review, those that remain
Shined and polished, given a name
Rhyming is rhymed, metre is met
All that is left, I plum forget

I write poetry about writing poetry...

[blondguy]

Hey David

Thankyou for your inspirational post. You have a brilliant way with words... I wish I did. I just turned 59 in December and never thought I would still be here now after joining the forums in 2016 after being made redundant and having a meltdown afterwards

You are strong David....I didnt have the guts to post my own thread topic when I joined so I just sat in the Beyond Blue Cafe and spoke to some really caring people...I was a real mess...and very scared/anxious

Your poetry is seriously good value...I like when you mentioned "I write poetry about writing poetry.." That is original and really creative David....Good1 🙂

I wish I was 50 again....still....thats not my call to make

Thanks heaps for taking the time to post back David (thumbs up!)

Great to have you with us

kindest always

Paul

PS...You are not hiding behind anything..(even a keyboard).....I have a sibling and many friends that are too scared to even google Beyond Blue that struggle with mental illness....and thats okay as its their decision....so be it....When I mentioned the 'legend' word...I meant it. You dont have any issues where 'self expression' is concerned....Good on you David

[Doolhof]

Hi David,

Yes, I am female. Being born this way was a huge disappointment to my mother. Not much I could do about it though.

That is one thing with the forum, we may never know another person's gender or how they identify unless we ask or they make it specifically clear.

Regarding writing, I tend to be able to write so much more when depressed and struggling than when I feel normal or happy.

I'm sure people express themselves in many different ways, through art, photography, song, music, how they dress and so on depending on how they are feeling.

Yes, you can mention Facebook here, just not your identity on there as the forum encourages people to stay anonymous.

Cheers from Dools