My Bipolar and helping my partner understand

[GinaS]

Hi All,

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 10 years ago when i was married, my husband at the time seemed to have a great understanding and knew me better than i seemed to know myself, however he passed away a short time after in an accident. The years following were extremely hard for me dealing with sudden grief and also trying to understand myself , as i didn't have my husband there to help and guide me through these tough episodes. Now years down the track and i am much more in tune with my Bipolar, how it works and how to deal with things a little easier.

Unfortunately my new man of 5 years now ,who is wonderful in every way , except with understanding my Bipolar. I hid my bipolar from him for quite a while until we became more involved and I was unable to hide the severity of episodes and needed support. I don't have a lot close friends that i talk to and my family don't really see it as a 'real' illness. My partner does try to be supportive ,but only if it becomes a major issue when i cant seem to cope anymore. I've asked him over the years to research as much as he can about my illness but he will look at a few google pages then that's about it and it wont be discussed anymore. His job is extremely stressful which feeds off onto the household and makes my day to day life much much harder . When i'm coming into an episode and cant function properly and REALLY need support ,,, i'm treated like i have leprosy,, no one comes near me or barely talks to me in the household. This was the case on Sunday when i was really struggling while we were at a public event with loads of noise and 1000's of people, and i discussed how hard this is and i need support, and instead of him trying to understand ,, i was being told off and told i needed to sort my s*#t out as i was ruining the day. He said to me that he wasn't going to tolerate anymore crap. He is a good man ,, except when it comes to understanding my mental illness.

Does anyone have any advice on helping a spouse with understanding and better ways of supporting, or any good websites etc or people he can talk to? Suffering with bipolar is the most personal thing about me , and its the only thing i feel he doesn't know about me or maybe even want to know.

Thanks

[quirkywords]

Gina,

Welcome to the forum. I read through your story nodding, as there was so much I could relate to.

I was diagnosed with bipolar over 40 years ago .

Your first husband sounds extremely understanding and I am now on my 3rd major relationship and have not as yet found anyone who really understands my bipolar. To be fair I don't understand me at times and I get annoyed at myself.

My partner has googled and read a few articles and feels he knows everything as he lives with me.

I think people feel they are understanding but there comes a point when they just reach a limit.

My partner knew I was having a really bad day and I was so supportive until in the early evening he just shouted at me" Can't you try a little harder.". I was so angry as I had been trying hard all day didn't he understand how tired I was.Then I looked at his face, and I could see he was suffering too. I find myself hard to live with at times too.

You wrote that your husband will be supportive if it becomes a major issue but not when you are coming into one.

Do you think that some men like to fix things and he knows what to do when it becomes a major issue but when you still look as though you are coping like at a public event, he does not know what to say so he gets angry.

That's just a thought and I maybe I am wrong .

Sometimes I find if I give my partner instructions, If I am down:

don't ask me to make a decision,

give me lots of cuddles

If I am in a big crowd( I usually avoid these as much as possible)please

stay with me,

get me water if I feel funny,

I find simple ideas that means my partner can do practical things saves arguments and shouting.

I suppose I do avoid events that may stress me.

I think talking about it when you both are calm and also to understand what his needs are and to ask him what support he needs.

I think I have written enough but I am here for you so feel free to ask questions and post as much as you like.

Also there is a helpful thread

Forums / Staying well / This bipolar life

that you are most welcome to have a look at and join in. It is informal and we talk about our bipolar and if you scroll through the thread you find many helpful topics.

Take care

Quirky

[GinaS]

Hi Quirky ,

thanks so much for your reply,, and i completely agree with what you have said. I do my best to give him instructions like you stated above , most of the time he is very good and accommodating to my needs but like most people , he doesnt understand why these things are needed, or just looks at it as needy. I myself will try to avoid large crowds and late night social functions at all costs and thats hard to get him to understand why,, half the time he thinks I just dont like his friends and dont want to see them ,, but not the case. Yes i feel uncomfortable around his friends as i hardly know them, they are a lot older and can be quite obnoxious and judgemental which tends to make things worse and i just want to hide away and not get to know them properly anyway.

Until sunday , he had never gotten angry at me before. That night we sat down and i tried to openly discuss what i feel when we are at events like that and how him getting angry at me was just making things worse,, and thats when he shut me down straight away and said his job and life is stressful enough to manage and hes not going to manage mine as well. Its hard to get people to understand that they dont have to manage me ,, just be there and support me and understand,, and not getting fed up with me because i find it extremely hard in social situations or to be able to do certain things.

I will definitely have a look at those threads thankyou . It will take time for him to understand but as long as he keeps trying and trying , thats all i can ask for

[JessF]

Hello GinaS, I think partners are often in a difficult position in trying to cope with us, and after many years of reflection I've come to understand that it really is a two way street. Him yelling 'why can't you just try harder' is just as unhelpful as us shouting 'why can't you just understand'.

Our loved ones do want to be supportive, of course they do. But everyone has limits. Think of it this way. You're both walking back to the car after going shopping. You both have both hands full with heavy bags. After a while you get tired and ask him to carry some of your bags, and he obliges, as the car is only a few minutes away.
But what if the car is a ten minute walk away? Twenty minutes? What if this happens every time you go shopping? What if his arms are tired? What uncertainty does that create about his ability and capacity to be supportive at all times?

You've mentioned a few times now that your partner has an extremely stressful job. That is going to limit how much he is able to cope with extra stress. His reaction in the crowd to you made you feel terrible, but from his perspective, it was probably something enjoyable he had been really looking forward to doing after a stressful week, and from his perspective, he had to change his priority from enjoying that time to looking after you.

I also think honesty is important in working through our feelings, and being careful not to assign things to the illness when it is not about that. For example, your partner saying you don't like his friends, and you saying it's not about that, it's about being triggered at social functions. But from the way you describe his friends, it's not actually about the social function itself, they sound like people you don't care much for - I wouldn't warm to people I felt were "obnoxious" or "judgmental" either.

Perhaps this could be a start point of your conversations with your partner about friends, rather than starting with the bipolar, as it will open up a discussion rather than close it down. When you lead with the illness, all your partner hears is "I can't, because bipolar", which he doesn't understand and cannot fix, as Quirkywords says. Specific, honest communication will sometimes be difficult, but should in the end cause less frustration for both of you.