Hi Leah,
If you do go down a somatic healing pathway, I just thought I'd say that I found I had to try a few practitioners to connect with the right one. I found that someone can be trained in something, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are competent at delivering it and/or that they are the right fit with their therapeutic approach. I also read some books by the founder of Somatic Experiencing, Peter Levine, before I even approached anyone to do therapy, so I had an understanding of it. The two books I initially read were In An Unspoken Voice and Trauma & Memory, but he has an earlier book as well called Waking the Tiger, plus a few others. He released his own autobiography last year called An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey.
There are quite a few different approaches though and it can help to explore them as each person is unique and may connect with different approaches. I also tried something called TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) in 2021 which I found quite effective, though the results weren't as lasting for me. I've also found Bowen Therapy helpful which is a very gentle physical therapy that does subtle movements to the fascia of the body. It gives the autonomic nervous system a reset, so it can shift the body out of the flight/flight/freeze responses.
It is so hard with the unprocessed memories and emotions that you mention. One of the main methods for addressing that has become EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing). I had that done in early May this year and for me it went very badly and caused severe side effects, as it was done without the preparation and resourcing that is supposed to happen. It is supposed to be modified for people with Complex PTSD, dissociative disorders and neurodivergence, and I have all of those issues, but my therapist didn't do those modifications, so I had a lot of flooding and re-traumatisation from it. But some people do have good success with it in terms of processing and integrating trauma memories, though I think even in those cases it can sometimes still be a bit of a rough journey where it gets at least a bit worse before it gets better.
At the moment I am really practising letting go of a lot of the bracing patterns in my body that come from childhood trauma, not feeling safe etc. I am finding that by letting go and allowing feelings and emotions to arise that were sort of being held down before, that stuff is getting gradually processed at a pace I can handle. For me, I've really realised it is very much about allowing and letting go. It really helps if you can do that in a context of relational safety and it is where a good therapist can help. At the moment I am doing a lot of it myself, like I'm my own witness, but I have done such processing in therapy too.
There is a great quote by Peter Levine:
"Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness". One thing I have learned from Polyvagal Theory, which is another approach to trauma, is that our nervous systems co-regulate with one another, and it really helps in trauma recovery to have someone who can really hold presence with us in a sensitive way. Those of us who grew up with childhood trauma so often lacked that support and we kind of need that support to heal.
Another thing I've found helpful from time to time is calling The Blue Knot Foundation. You can call them for free once a week and they specialise in supporting people with Complex Trauma from childhood. They usually talk for 30 minutes and sometimes 45 minutes if they happen to be less busy. Their number is 1300 657 380. Have you managed to find any support along the way on your journey? You have definitely been struggling along for quite a while. I'm 50 and I feel like it's only in very recent years I've really started to get a handle on everything that's happened to me and some ideas of how to heal.
Sorry that was a long message 🙈 Anyway, take care and feel free to share and chat more if you'd like 😊
