Maybe one day that person is going to wake up and realise how much they love me ..

AmeliaParis · ‎03-11-2020

Hi all,
I hope you are all well.

It took me a while to put all this together and I feel like I should say sorry for posting. Everybody always tells me how strong I am and so I feel like I should be stronger and not have these issues. There's so many people in the world with bigger problems, people have no food, nowhere to sleep and I should just cope with this - this is how I feel. But I can't.

I'm in my thirties, had troubled childhood - never had love, aggressive parent, never been good enough and so on. Have always been thinking 'If I'm really good, then maybe one day my dad's going to realise how much he loves me and change''. So I'm always trying to 'Be perfect' - Because maybe then I'll be loved.

This has transferred into my past relationship. Where, towards the end, I was hoping my ex partner would one day wake up and realise how much he loves me and change into what I needed'. But, of course he couldn't.

And now this has transferred into my daily life, where I fell for a person close to me and I'm trying every day to 'impress them' and hope for them to 'notice me'. Hoping one day they are going to wake up and realise how much I mean to them and then we'll live happily ever after. I feel silly for writing this. I know better. I know what advice I'd give to my friends if they were in the same situation as I am but I can't seem to follow my own advice.

I feel like I'm so good at giving advice and being rational when it comes to other people but when it comes to me, I'm useless. My emotions are so strong on everything and I can't seem to be able to make any of the right steps. I just linger.

And to talk about anxiety. I am so afraid of losing what I have set my mind to love that there are situations in which I literally start feeling physically sick. And that lately happens with this person pretty much every day. They can say something completely innocent but because of how deeply I love them it destroys my whole world. And one of those moments happened today.

I can't live like this anymore so have decided to seek help from other people who have similar issues and were able to hopefully overcome them.

Do any of you find themselves in what I've written? Are you also trying to be perfect in order to be loved? Do you have any advice on maybe things I could do that could help me overcome this issue? Like actual tasks?

Thank you

therising · ‎03-11-2020

Hi AmeliaParis

Definitely understand where you're coming from. It can be tough and pretty exhausting, working hard to be lovable. I committed my self to the role of 'people pleaser' for decades until I disappointed myself from that role. The new role I appointed myself is that of 'person who loves raising others'. While I have many other roles, that would have to share top ranking with the role of 'my natural self'.

It was definitely far from easy getting to this point. Not knowing who I was for years, with about15 of those years in a depression followed by a heck of a lot of wondering, questioning and challenge, bamm, here I am, a 50yo gal who finally has come to celebrate her natural self. The reward's worth the effort.

One of the most important factors in coming to love myself involved me finding my definition of love. This had to come first otherwise I didn't know what I was working with. For me, love is found in evolution. To invest in another person's evolution is to love them. To invest in our own evolution is to love our self. When you have 2 people invested in each other's evolution, there is mutual love. This definition allowed me to set a strict standard. If someone is more invested in regularly bringing me down or keeping me vibing at a level that's comfortable for them, I do not feel loved by them. I will disappoint them from the role of 'he/she who loves me'. By the way, for those who love me, it's not a 24/7 role. I don't demand much at all.

AmeliaParis, I imagine you to be easily lovable. What is the fault or what are the faults in the person who cannot love someone who's easily lovable? Were they conditioned not to be able to feel love. You gotta admit love is a feeling. You definitely feel when you're being loved, just as you can feel being brought down. My kids know, without a doubt, I love them (15yo boy and 18yo gal). I rarely say I love them and they'll be the 1st to admit I never have to say it. They feel it all the time because I actively love them, through my actions. I am often raising them to a smile and they me. I raise them through their challenges, to greater awareness and life skill development. I raise them in so many ways. I love loving them.

Be aware of those who are prepared to fill the role of 'Raising AmeliaParis to her natural self'. You will gain a sense of who they are. Question everyone else, out loud if you occasionally feel the need to wonder out loud. Our natural self is wonderful.

I love you, AmeliaParis 🙂

Deb_71 · ‎19-11-2020

Your post is me all over. I have other issues as well but your post hit home. I have just had a relationship break down because I over compensated to try and make it the perfect relationship. Now I am stuck living in the same house for 8 months because neither of us are in a position to move. I live in one end of the house he lives in the other. He acts like I am someone he doesn’t know real well and that hurts and makes me angry. Then I start an argument to to get him to talk/argue with me. Then I hate myself and he leaves the house and the cycle starts all over again. I get angry and then apologise and then I go on a downer then the anxiety kicks in because I will never be good enough etc etc etc.