Making New Friends

[NDR]

I'm currently trying to make new friends at present.

Alot of my friendships have come & gone over the years & although I can handle being alone, I know I need friends. I'm late 30's, living in Victoria.

I've attended some events, joined a fitness group & been on a few dates, hell even gone to bars alone a few times but had no luck connecting with anyone yet. 

I guess i'm trying to make things happen & I know it's early days but gee it's been hard. 

I was hoping to get some insight from others who have had / having similar experiences, as well what they did to improve their situation or any advice at all.

Thanks,

N.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You said you have been on a few dates, so I assume you are after new friends and a romantic connection as well.

The whole problem you face isnt isolated and it was far worse before social media came along. With the internet now there are dating sites. The advantage of these is to reduce the people to screen as to find someone with similar lifestyle and future plans. The traditional methods of dating eg joining groups/sporting teams etc means you limit yourself with how many people you meet, therefore the less chance you'll find an ideal partner. 

My daughter went online dating. She met a guy with the same profession/values/future plans/dog lovers and so on. It does work for many and the negatives are also there but there is in everything.  Just be aware and choose wisely.

In terms of friends or finding a network of friends I've found that people that grew up in country towns where they know everyone have a wider network than city people as the city is far less personal and people in the city are prone to move away to new estates etc. So it could be a factor in why city people think there is something wrong with themselves. I live in a regional town and I notice how tradies or locals meet by accident and start conversation easily then often they finish with something like "I'll see you on Saturday for a gold round then". 

Moving to the country however doesnt give you that widespread knowledge of locals and frankly you never achieve it. So, consider computer dating is what I would do in your situation. Good luck.

TonyWK

[Mark Z.]

Hi N,

It is great that you are trying to make new friends. I'm not super good at it but here are some of my experience:

1. Reach out to friends of friends. Explore chances to have events together.

2. Join clubs and groups but make sure they're around your interests, otherwise it won't be sustainable.

3. Try to develop friends in your neighbourhood and workplace, smile, say Hi and have small talk with them.

4. I developed some really close friends when I was going to church and doing volunteering jobs for non-profit organisations. It's a good idea to approach warm, friendly and purpose-driven people.

Hope it helps a bit.

Mark

[J_Hou]

I really want to become friends with you because i saw myself from your post. I cannot understand why people around me are so cold and dont need friends, maybe they are busy with their family or work. Anyway i would like to listen to you.

[Trying_to_fail_better]

I find it easy talking to strangers and things but have moved to a few new places over the past couple of years and had to start fresh and make connections in places I didn't know anyone. The first thing I do every time I move is check out the local library. It really is a lot harder to get to know people and have a sense of community now and I think one of the reasons for that is there aren't many public places you can spend time at for free. The library was my second home growing up because I knew I could stay there as long as I liked and they really want to connect members of the community. They'll usually run or know of a bunch of hobby groups and things where you can get to know people locally who enjoy what you do. They're also generally really happy to support you starting your own group if they don't have one, I started a knitting group at my last library (was suuuuper nervous) by just going up and asking if I could. I didn't have much time to keep it going but I met 4 or 5 people I wouldn't have otherwise. I second the volunteering recommendation as well!

[NDR]

Hello J_Hou.

Thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry if I took too long to reply.

I agree with you - Like me, you've probably always strived to be the best version of yourself to those around you, so when others around you don't reciprocate these qualities or add value to your life, it can be dis-heartening at best.

i'd be interested to chat with you further - Take care.

N.

[Lauren_87]

Hi NDR,

I understand how you are feeling, making friends in your 30's can be quite difficult! I have also had friends come and go over the years and the last couple of years it felt like I kept trying to make an effort but it never seemed to work out. However, I persisted and I am now very lucky to have a lovely group of friends.

I can be shy at times so it really required me to put myself out there and even if I did get rejected, I tried again.

What worked for me was meeting friends through my kids, inviting kids over for playdates and having a cuppa with their parent helped me to get to know them. Not sure if you have kids or not but if you do this could be an idea.

Are there any hobbies you enjoy or groups that you could join? Often there are groups in your local area on Facebook that may be useful in trying to get to know people. 

Sorry I don't really have any more advice but please don't get disheartened, I bet there are some lovely people out there just waiting for a friend like you!