Lost

[Jen77]

Hi i’m new here and not sure where I fit in. I guess i’ve been in an abusive relationship for the past 12 years. I’m finally out but i’m cycling with my emotions. At the moment i’m at the lowest of low points. My brother has emotionally and verbally abused me since I started working for him. The last 4-5 years have been the most horrible. At a terrible low point I got a trip to hospital and before I left he told me to hurt myself. I always believed him when he said sorry and that he would be better and that he would look after me. I finally understand he is a narcissist. It gives me little comfort becuase the why cannot be answered. I did everything for him at that job. Whatever he needed I did, no matter the time or if it was a weekend or if I was with my family. I realise now how he has manipulated me and I’m keenly aware that now that I am away from him he is continuing to try to manipulate me through our Mum and by his actions and words which are just to send me downs he dark path. I have ended up feeling lonely, isolated, worthless...the list goes on. I’m struggling to cope. Rationally I have a keen understanding, but the emotions and feelings just come and i’m up and down and all over the place like a roller coaster. The nights are the hardest once the kids are in bed and there is nothing to distract me. Worse still when hubby is on shift and I don’t have my support person next to me. I don’t know where I fit in. I have started treatment for this but for me it’s harrowing and traumatic to talk about and ‘live’ through again. I’m also sad that I’ve lost my brother. I understand there can be no communication or contact, it’s the only way I’ll be safe and those few that are around me will help keep that on track when I feel the manipulation pulling me back. I’m so sad and angry that I can still feel his ‘wordless’ manipulation calling to me. I’m so tired. I need to be around others that have experienced the same treatment. It’s like anything in life, you don’t know until you’ve experienced it what it is truly like. I miss my old me. I have such a big heart, which is part of the reason I got sucked in. I was easy to manipulate and be made fearful and worthless. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. For those that have experienced this how long does it take before the pain and torment eases? Thanks in advance.

[blondguy]

Hello Jen77

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting! Im sorry for the late reply as we are usually pretty quick in posting back

You have a lot on your plate especially after being in an abusive relationship for so long. Being at this low point is often a dark place to be in. You are doing well by seeing a therapist for what you have been through Jen77 and yes reliving all the painful experiences will be painful for sure. It is though a crucial part of the recovery process.....to vent and offload theses toxic occurrences to a counselor will reduce the long term pain and anguish in your life.

Frequent counseling is the best method of approach to find some peace in your life again. I had to do the same after a Family Court issue that had a bad effect on my mental health back in the 1990s

The forums are a safe and judgement free place where you can post as many times as you wish Jen 🙂

I really hope you can stick around and be part of the forum family

you are not alone in any way

my kind thoughts

Paul