Is any of this familiar to anyone out there?

[Scout28]

Hi there

I am new here. I jumped online because after 25 years of being on different medications for anxiety and depression I have tapered off and been off meds for just on a month. The reason was that the side effects were outweighing the benefits. I had problematic gastrointestinal problems and regular headaches. After numerous tests and medication trials for both of those issues (over several years) it was time to see what coming off things would do.

While I have managed to stayed off the meds and taken vitamins recommended by my GP and chemist to support me through SSRI withdrawal, I am an emotional wreck. I feel the anxiety, hopelessness and embarrassment at being me and huge swings involving regret over recent conversations and reactions and then there is a tsunami of emotion that just results in gasping and floods of tears. I am ready to quit my job (which I never really loved but which was ok for now) and drop out of a course I am nearly finished (I have pretty much dislike it all along but was just going to get it over with). I just can't stand the feeling of guilt that I am not doing more, not working overtime (like others), not studying enough. The feeling abates for a short time when I am engaged in the activity but so much of what I do seems incredibly difficult and I feel like I don't know what I am doing and I end up just throwing in the towel because despite working or studying for hours I am just not getting anywhere. I just want the pressure off but I can't work out what I should do instead. I have spent years and thousands of dollars on medication and psychologists and psychiatrists. I have done yoga and am even taking art classes as a way to have another outlet but its become one more thing I don't want to go to. While I don't want people to be suffering, at this stage I am really trying to reach out to see if this makes sense to anyone else. I am happily married and have friends and they are all supportive but I know that they haven't travelled the same path as me by their own admission. They sit with me why I cry suddenly but they admit they don't know how it feels. I am Gen X, no kids, spent most of my 20's and some of my 30's at uni and don't have the job to show for it. I have worked in call centres 20 years. I have turned 40 and I cannot get motivated or excited about anything in the future anymore and yes I know I am lucky for everything I do have. I just want to feel positive and excited about life and stay off meds.

[CJames]

Hi Scout28,

Welcome to the forums, it's a great place to express yourself, be supported by people who care and share similar experiences.

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard run throughout the years especially with gastrointestinal illnesses; I wish you the best in your future health and endeavours.

Keep in their mate, only move forward, don't think back.

Cheers,

C.

[Scout28]

Thanks CJames 🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello Scout28,

Welcome to the BB forums.

Im sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with your sadness and mental health..

Im wondering that now your off the meds if you will consider getting more councilling?

Even though our family and friends love us, and try to help us as much as they can, I think (only my opinion). unless they have actually walked in our shoes and have struggled with mh it's just so hard for them to comprehend and understand what we are feeling and thinking, that's why I think a therapist is a good idea to try again...please can you try and just think about going and getting professional help..You can get a Mental Health Care Pland from your Dr. that entitles you to 10 free visits..

When negative thoughts start to drag me down that my tears start flowing and are hard to stop, I ground myself first, then I loook for something I like to do to change my negative thoughts onto a positive with what I'm doing..it could be .internet games, challenging games that you need to concerntrate on, knit, read, meditate. Jig saws, colouring in, anything really that you need to concerntrate on because your mind can only usually think one thought at a time.....

There are a lot of threads here on the forums, please feel free to look around, and join in conversations, if you feel up to it...This is your space to talk any time you want to.. Looking forward to finding out how your getting on..

Warm and caring thoughts,

Grandy...xx

[Scout28]

Hi there Grandy

Thanks for your message. Well after my initial knee-jerk reaction of "No not another counsellor" I took your advice and am waiting for an appointment with a new one and I will be getting a new Mental Health Care Plan arranged next week. I don't know what they will be like but I am almost looking forward to it.

I am also trying hard to change my thoughts with activities, it doesn't always work but the couple of times it has the temporary relief has been so much better than none at all. Previously I could only get relief by sleeping. I always feel I need to be doing something useful like study or work or reading something I could learn from but the problem is that none of those are giving me any joy and that is what I am missing. This is a really challenging thing to give myself permission to do but I am trying.

I am very sorry to hear that you too struggle with the negative thoughts. Know this though, your post has already helped me start to look at getting things back on track and for that I am grateful.

Thank-you

Scout28

[Ggrand]

Hello Scout,

Thank you very much for letting me know how your getting on.. and for letting me know I helped you to get started getting things back on track..

I am so very proud of you going back to your gp and getting another councillor, and a mental health care plan..It's just hard to try to fix ourselves on our own..I hope this new councillor and you will connect and you can start on your wellness journey....

Ditsraction is temporary yes, but as you said some relief from negative thoughts is so good, and the more you practice and do distract yourself the easier it is..

I really hope everything works out good for you scout, you deserve a peaceful and happy life. Please if you feel to, keep us up to date as how your getting on..Remember were holding your hand on your journey..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy..

[Scout28]

Hi there Grandy

I hope you are doing ok. I met my new psych last week and I am seeing him again tomorrow. That said, I have still fallen down the rabbit hole and needed to start taking medication again. This has made me incredibly sad because one of the main reasons I came off it was to see if I was well enough to think about having a child. Not only that but at 40 I am considered a high risk if pregnant and anti depressants increase the risks on the health of the baby. I am pretty low and on the verge of quitting my job because it makes me feel so unsafe and unhappy. Sorry to be so negative. I am trying. I know that the pills will work a little better everyday. I just have to get there. Thanks for being there.

Scout