I feel like a ghost.

[Conundrum]

Hello,  first time here. Feeling very low. Don’t know if anyone will answer but it’s good to get it out anyway.  About  6 weeks ago my father died. He was very old. But he is the only person in the world who really loved me.  Since then my latest boyfriend or “partner” left me, although he was the one who pursued me and told me he loved me.  Now he feels lack of necessary vibes or emotions and didnt want to continue. Now I feel used and mistreated once more. Did I do something wrong. But not worth fixing or working on.  I have  no children. Some Nice enough family members but not close.  They have their own children partners and lives to get on with.  I was on depression medication for years after a bad time in my life. But have been gradually weaning off them cos they seemed to keep me from experiencing real feelings and relationships as well. I was doing well. But now life has gone to shit again and I feel such despair for a life not well lived. I don’t understand why I have managed to survive but have not earned that strong and dependable love that others have. . I am quite attractive. I am well educated. I have always earned good money and own my house. I have something of a good personality.  I have a handful of good friends. I have my dogs who I love deeply and need them to  keep me wanting to live. They also need me and deserve a good life. My single responsibility.   I don’t know where I went wrong or why I am alive. I could disappear without leaving a ripple except in my dogs lives. How has it come to this again and again and again.   Is there anyone else there? 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Conundrum,

Thank you for sharing this. We’re sorry to hear that you’ve so recently lost your dad and your relationship had come to an end.

It may be quite hard to express what you’re feeling, at the moment, but please know you’ve taken a really brave and commendable step in sharing here.

Are you connected with any bereavement or mental health support currently? This is obviously an incredibly painful time, and it’s really important you and your family are supported through it. In case it's useful you can find advice and directories on the Beyond Blue website. We'd highly recommend talking to Griefline, on 1300 845 745. If you did want to reach out to Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages.

Please know that you're not alone with this, you can call the Beyond Blue helpline at any time, on 1300 22 4636. They can help you talk this through and will also be able to help you plan what's next so that you have that support in place.

We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing your experience here. You never know how your story might help someone else, so do feel free to share more if you're comfortable to. We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums, where other community members might be able to relate to what you’re going through.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Conundrum

I feel for you so deeply, with you having experienced the heartbreaking loss of your dad (who was possibly your guide in life in some way) as well as the loss of your relationship with your partner. Two intensely mind altering and life changing challenges. I'm glad you've felt at ease in coming here to share your challenges, thoughts and feelings.

I think while everyone experiences depression differently and for different reasons, it's taken me some decades to finally work out why I'm a gal who cycles in and out of depression. While I used to consider myself as going around and around in circles (those cycles), I eventually realised I actually cycle upwards. If every challenge comes with revelations at the end of making sense of what the challenge is about, then technically I consider myself gaining greater self understanding and general understanding in life. Some experiences and lessons in life can remain incredibly depressing without there being key guides and supports to help us through these challenges or cycles of graduation.

To move through life with raw emotions can be so incredibly hard. While meds can help manage to turn the volume down a little on how we feel our experiences and emotions or muffle them in some way, raw emotions can suddenly become sharp, painful, loud, overwhelming and more when the volume control or muffler is no longer there. How to manage the volume naturally can become a whole new challenge. I found that to not feel alone can be one of the keys to managing. What I mean by that is if we've got people feeling our feelings with us, then we've got people in life who can empathise and relate to our struggles or challenges in some way. I've found wonderful or wonder filled people to make a difference too, those who are prepared to wonder with us as to why we're suffering in the ways we are. 'You'll be right, you just need to get on with life' just doesn't cut it and it's a phrase that holds zero sense of wonder.

I think it's easy to find a partner that's not up for developing a relationship through the really tough challenges. There are plenty of potential partners out there like that. Much harder to find one who will do whatever it takes to develop or evolve the relationship. I believe love is about investing in the evolution of a relationship, not in taking the easy way out of it. Wondering whether your partner was a serious investor or someone who just preferred to not face or feel challenges, ones that may have held the potential for growth.

[Guest_34975230]

this is great