“I do not know” is the start!

Lucka · ‎01-10-2019

1/ I really dont know what im doing.

2/ Well I have been typing and deleting and then I find myself starting again!

3/ I just need someone to talk to but I cannot talk to people I know!

4/ Everyday I wake up, first thing that hits me is this huge wave of sadness. Everytime.

5/ I cannot talk to my husband, he tried to show me that he understands but I know he just tries to be supportive, he doesnt understand! And I dont want to make his life complicated! I want him to be happy so I keep everything myself even though I still tell him how i feel enough to not let myself go crazy!

6/ I feel like there are two person(s) in me. one is Me and the other one is also Me but more like Me’s carer. Sometimes I can visualize myself drift away from my body and stand from a distance to look at me, judge my actions and give myself advice.

7/ When im angry, i dont know what to do. Many times, I slab myself when I am angry because that is the first thing come to my mind to release my anger. I am not crazy nor I have any mental issue, i know what’s right and wrong, what I should/shouldnt do.

8/ I am very very lonely.

Birdy77 · ‎01-10-2019

Hello Lucka,

You have come to a place where you can:

- talk to people outside your immediate circle;

- know that people here understand what it's like to feel the things you are feeling;

- release those emotions, vent, lay your burdens down, rather than getting angry with yourself;

- feel connected with others and hopefully, maybe, a little bit less lonely.

It's so good that you have reached out here, even though you did a bit of deleting and retyping! You did well.

It is good to hear that you have a supportive husband, maybe in time you might feel it easier to share more of what you are going through with him.

That was a really interesting description you gave of sometimes feeling like your own carer. I think i can relate to that, and i actually see that as a good thing - you taking care of yourself, being kind and compassionate to yourself. Giving yourself the gentle assistance that you need.

You are welcome to post any time, and also join in on other topics.

You are amongst friends here.

🌻birdy

white knight · ‎01-10-2019

Hi, welcome
So, it seems clear you are going through a lot and you're going through it alone.
As I type I'll list threads in bold relevant to your issues. Google them and read the first post of that thread, then continue reading here.
With your husband, you are not alone, whether people have emotional issues or mental illness, we are often alone-

Beyondblue topic they just wont understand,why?

I'm 63yo and up till 53yo my life was full of sadness, everything made me sad, music, sunsets, watching birds, just about everything. In 2009 one of my diagnosis was dysthymia. I'm not suggesting you have it, but you might find it interesting to read this-

Beyondblue topic dysthymia

Hurting yourself physically is more serious than you might think.

Beyondblue topic self-harm and self-injury

Re: "I am not crazy nor I have any mental issue, i know what’s right and wrong, what I should/shouldnt do" I went 53years not believing I had a mental illness. I spent 42years in law enforcement so I know right from wrong. I know how you are feeling and your courage writing in is clear. What I suggest is having an open mind on what your core issue is. Dont be afraid. You'll be ok.

So, I hope I've helped you tonight. Myself and several community champions are here to talk through some issues as they arise or past events that have had a long term effect.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

Wazowski · ‎02-10-2019

Hi Lucka,

It’s totally ok if you don’t know what you’re doing! We appreciate you having the courage to write down your feelings and sharing them with us. It can be overwhelming keeping all those feelings inside and not being able to share them with anyone else because you don’t want to bring them down. Chatting in these forums can be a great start to getting those emotions out and lifting the burden. We are always here to listen and give advice where possible.

It must be exhausting waking up each day feeling sad. Do you know when these feelings started? Did something happen to make you feel this way? You mentioned that you don’t have a mental illness, however, it may be a good idea to visit your GP and have a chat about these constant feelings of sadness. Maybe they have some ideas about what is causing it, and how to help you. Talking to a therapist could also be a good option, if you don’t feel like you can talk to anyone else. Counselling is not just for those with mental illness, but a great option for anyone who needs someone to talk to, or work through some problems.

I’m glad that you gave a supportive husband. Even though he may not understand what you are going through, it is nice to have someone who loves and cares about you. Telling him enough to stop yourself from going crazy is great, and I definitely encourage you to keep doing that. I also like that you are able to look at yourself from a distance and provide yourself the care that you need. It shows that you are very mindful and insightful into what’s going on. Remember to keep being kind to yourself on the days you are feeling most low.

Take care,
Wazowski

Bregman · ‎03-10-2019

Hi lucka
I'm new to this to and have no idea how to use it.

Reading what u having written feels like I typed it out myself. Well all but the angry part.....

I'm 33 years old been fighting with the black dog for 15-18years now don't no if it will ever leave me....

I'm married with a 7 year old and a new one in the way.

I keep alot of what I'm feeling to myself as.... Well I don't no why.... Maybe so people around me don't no or so others don't feel sad.....

I no this isn't really helping much, if at all but reading this just made me think of myself.....

Lucka · ‎06-10-2019

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so much for all of your kind and welcoming responses!

Again, I don’t know! ( i know) Most of the times I feel there are two person(s) in me, reminding me of doing the right/normal things because that’s how it should be right? Be a normal person, go to work, spend time with other people because there are many at stakes here I stop.. “ being a normal”?

I find myself have a very strong reaction to everything happened in my life. Sometimes I am extremely excited that i cannot stop myself from jumping/ dancing/ expressing my emotions drastically, ( sometimes others can sense it and give me the look).. so I dont know if this is normal, apparently others can see i am overeacting? And some other times, I feel just empty like nothing left inside of me, like “ i dont know, i dont feel”, usually (not always) happens straight after my excitement period, example: at a party, after all the fun, I just switch to the silent mode, and sit in the corner and really do not like to talk to anybody at that particularly moment. I even think I am going through puberty again, I am 26 by the way.

About me waking up everyday feeling sad, it’s 6/7 days a week I experience the shortage of breath, this huge wave of sadness, a state of an anxious suspense, like something rolling in my chest - i dont know. But it goes away after I got to work.

My husband, is a fairly Ok man. He doesn’t like arguments. He is a happy man, a possitive and worry free package! ... yeah!

I know it’s not good when I hit myself when I am angry but it seems hard to control myself at that moment.. and I feel ashamed admitting it...

I thought about going to a doctor but I dont want to take any pills. Surely if I really tell them what is really happening with me, they will suggest something I dont want to go with it and I dont believe they can help me? That’s the reasons I havent been to doctors yet. I think everyone has problem and this is normal right? Even though it feels really realy bad when it happens!

Thanks for reading.

Have a great day/ time.

L.

Wazowski · ‎09-10-2019

Hi Lucka,

What you were describing about having strong emotions to things sounds like a beautiful part of your personality. I completely identified with what you were describing, as I have a very similar personality: I get very excited and enthusiastic about positive things in my life, but then also get quite down when things aren’t going so well. I wouldn’t say this is a bad thing, but sometimes its good to have some help to maintain the equilibrium. I know going to a Dr sounds scary because you don’t want to take medication, and that’s completely fair. However, medication is only one option, and that’s usually explored when other avenues haven’t been successful. Perhaps you could start by seeing a counsellor to help you when your negative emotions are getting unmanageable? I’m very glad to hear that the wave of sadness usually goes away once you are work, and it isn’t something you have to deal with all day. If you do decide to see a counsellor, maybe you could ask for some tips for handling the wave of sadness, so that it isn’t as long or intense?

All the best!
Wazowski