Hi

[Hollow_Me]

Hi, am new here and hoping for advice from people who may know what I am experiencing because I am having trouble explaining it. My whole life I have struggled to show emotion. To let people in. I cannot remember a single time in my life i was able to express to anyone my feelings comfortably. I have suffered a lot because of it in the last few years first losing my children because I could not stand up for myself to my ex Narc husband and now most recently the love of my life and partner of 7 years. I make terrible mistakes turning away from pain and then don’t know how to even make up for it. Even now, it’s taken months for me to cry and it I broke down for half a second and it’s like my brain just won’t allow it and I just shut down and go into practical mode or defense mode. I’m so sick of it and really scared how it is effecting the people I love most. I have five young children who I love more than anything in the world but even to them I cannot show emotion. What is wrong with me. I feel it i just can’t express ir. I’m an ice queen and I hate myself and I can’t get away from me and I feel like I’m drowning

[Sophie_M]

Hey Hollow Me, 

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, 

We're so sorry to hear you struggle to show emotion to the ones you love and that it feels like this has hindered you all your life. We can hear the pain and hurt you are feeling at the moment and glad you've been able to express this here with us on the forums. We understand how difficult it can be to let people in and the fear of rejection and hurt at how they may react. Please know you've come to a safe place to share these thoughts. 

If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some short-term support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if that's something you feel might be helpful to you.

We hope that a few of our members will pop by with some words of wisdom for you. Welcome again!

 

[Guest9337]

G'day Hollow Me,

Welcome to beyondblue forums.

Just thinking out loud here for you...

The original post you've put up is emotionally descriptive. I get what you're saying about your feelings and I don't even know you at all.

How about printing out your post and giving it to your family over dinner one day?

Those words are real, I reckon your family will understand them. You won't have to speak those words out loud, they're written down. When you go into practical or defense mode during that conversation your family will see how honest you are. During that chat you can freeze up like an ice queen or blubber your eyes out or whatever and still be honest and loving showing whatever you feel.

Here is a motivating question...

If you stay an ice queen forever what effect would that have on your children and family?

Use your anxiety about your worst-case answer to that question as a reason to do something about your situation.

Once emotionally unrestrained you will still be able to switch back to restrained, if that makes sense. I mean, we all start crying and stop crying, we fall apart and pull ourselves together again. So cracking your ice doesn't mean you can't go back to being icey, instead sure you can, you can be icey, cold, cool, neutral, warm or hot! And switch between them as you need or feel.

Maybe by showing how ice queen you feel your family might warm up and thaw you out.

[Hollow_Me]

Thanks for your reply David n Goliath. Unfortunately it’s too late to show my partner anything, he is unable to forgive me for years of withheld affection and for some every bad behaviour on my behalf. My children I feel are too young for me to put that on. I don’t know the answer but really do appreciate your response

[Guest9337]

I appreciate your thanks Hollow Me.

Fair enough that you don't know the answer, there are a huge amount of variables that will effect the outcomes.

Try googling "effects of emotionless parenting". Try to get a feel of the possible outcomes.

I'm not saying you are emotionless, only that to others an ice queen might appear that way. I think we are on the same page yeh?

Do your research/googling in a safe place, because when you really understand and get the risk, I reckon it's going to hurt quite a bit.

[geoff]

Hello Hollow Me, and a warm welcome to the site.

It takes great courage to post on a forum asking people you don't even know, so thank you for opening up to us and understand the position you're in, but you need to remember that showing how you feel is not a weakness and you have strengths that you may not be utilising that make you the person you are.

You have been controlled by a narcissistic husband who may not have allowed you to show any emotion, especially when you wanted to show any pleasure or grief in your life and this leaves you to suffer in silence.

There could a medical condition that won't allow you to cry and should consult your doctor, however, if you keep peeling and cutting up some onions, see if this can make you cry and if it does then keep doing this, only to know what crying feels like and whether you want to do this by yourself is up to you, or perhaps ask your children to join you, this may begin for you to be to start showing some emotion, play some music in the background.

No one is going to judge you by showing any emotion.

Geoff.