Hello and the merry-go-round of depression

DizzyLisa · ‎08-10-2018

Hi Everyone I'm new and struggling. I'm back at the bottom and while I've been to the doctor and going to the counsellor, I still feel great shame and uselessness that I'm not moving forward. I call it the depression merry-go-round. I work hard to get out of the ruts but then when I get to a good place, something big will happen and bring me straight back down. Right now its not just one big thing but a series over the last 2 months that have hit hard - I'm working 12-14 hour days in a job that I'm really fond of and with no likelihood of this changing soon; my partner has decided we need a break; my abusive mother who I am estranged from is dying in hospital and the guilt is really difficult. Its been a very hard few months and I hit the bottom last weekend. I feel terrible talking to friends as they have had to listen to me before and I'm embarrassed I'm here again at the bottom. I know I'm the only one who can fix this but I guess I'm hoping the Forum can support me in this journey. Hope thats ok.

baet123 · ‎08-10-2018

Hi DizzyLisa,

Welcome to beyond blue and thanks for sharing your situation with us. Extremely courageous and brave of you to do so and that is a great thing to be able to do! You will find so many people in similar situations as you. Everyone on these forums are super supportive and we all want to help each other grow and develop personally and as a community. Feel free to post as much or as little as you like, just know we are here for you whenever you need someone to talk to 🙂

Sorry to hear you have been struggling as of late. The situation with your partner and mother does suck but try not to be too hard on yourself. You are not responsible for her condition. Depression is a merry-go-round sometimes. You're absolutely right and it isn't easy dealing with it or beating it but it is super encouraging that you are seeking assistance from relevant health professionals. It is super important to seek assistance and to maintain regular visits to your relevant professionals (GP & counsellor) to keep on top of things.

May I ask if you take any medication and whether you are on a mental health care plan from your GP? Have you tried seeing a psychologist rather than a counsellor? I would suggest seeing a psychologist who specialises in depression as I believe the intervention methods/treatment techniques may be more beneficial to you than service your currently receiving from your counsellor.

It is very encouraging that you have supportive friends. What do you do for work if you don't mind me asking?It is also great that you are employed in a position that you are fond of. Super important to love what we do for a living.

It does get better and will get better. You seem extremely caring, strong and resilient and just keep grinding away and maintaining your appointments.

Hope this helped and look forward to hearing from you again!

All the best,

Nick.

DizzyLisa · ‎08-10-2018

Hi Nick thanks for your reply - really appreciate it. I am on medication and went up in dose in the last few days. My counsellor is actually a psychologist, I got the terminology wrong. It provided through my work and I've been seeing them for years. I work in the public service, office job.

baet123 · ‎09-10-2018

Hey Dizzy,

Thanks for your reply 🙂

It is great that your on medication. Give the new dosage a while until you can see its full effects. No worries with the terminology, I do the same thing all the time 😄 I can tell your extremely resilient and strong and you will get through this. Stay positive!

Have a great week Lisa. Keep us updated and if you need anything else, we will be here!

All the best,

Nick.

fortunecookie · ‎12-10-2018

Hey DizzyLisa,

I'm not really as good with advice as the other guys here, but I'm also here for company to join me for yet another round... So, welcome! I like your metaphor, merry-go-round. It's good to be among people who understand what depression actually feels like.

I've recently been in a similar situation as you with everything coming together and completely messing up what was looking to be the best time of my life... After so many relapses I'm starting to accept depression as an ongoing part of my life. I haven't really spoken to anyone in person about it though (other than health care professionals)...

I totally get the feeling of guilt - my advice: remember that you and your health are important, so don't feel bad about doing what you feel is best for you. Guilt is not gonna help anyone. Focus on the now, because you can't change the past anyway, it is what it is. Recently a psychologist recommended me to look for the positive things coming from a traumatic situation (my brother's death 15 years ago). It sounded really wrong, but I found that it did actually help. I still struggle with the fact that I'm the one who got to live, even though I've been depressed for most of my life and he had a chance at a happier life... and I feel guilty that I wasn't there for him as much as I feel I should have been. But at the time we didn't know, so there's no point in feeling guilty! His death now reminds me every day that life is not forever, and I have made many choices (not always the smartest, but what felt right at the time) because I know I could die any day, so when I'm ok I try to make the most of life. And however bad it gets, it doesn't last forever.

Sorry if I made this too much about me! What I wanna say is, we all have our limits of what we can take, we can only do as much as we can do, and everyone breaks down sometimes (even though many people would never admit it)! It feels like crap but it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Would love to read more from you and I wish you all the best 🙂