Good Evening

MissKima · ‎02-05-2016

Hello there,

My name is Miss Kima and I have recently been diagnosed with Anxiety and depression. I have known I have had them for a long time -since I was a teenager- though I managed to slip under the radar for several years.

I manage to work through most of my issues by myself, though lately it has become a little overbearing since I lost my job in December.

I like to paint, to draw and to craft as much as I can, though I have had somewhat of a hard time to bring myself to have the motivation to do so. I also love to play video games though my favourite one currently isn't working. I have found music to be a sanctuary for me, though even that has begun losing some of it's effectiveness of late.

I find I am afraid a lot of the time. Of the future, of not being able to find work and my money running out. Mostly of speaking to/being around/being yelled at by other people. I had my first panic attack at a caravan and camping show either last year or the year before. It was scary as all hell. I have also found that I trust people very little, therefore this post in and of itself is a stretch for me. I have had bad experiences with people in the past, and while I am quiet and try my best to be friendly, I am silently doubting everything I am being told. I also abhor confrontation, though it is at times, necessary.

I wonder if any of you have this same issue with people or whether that is solely something to do with my personal experience. If any of you also enjoy art or the process of painting or creating, I should like to perhaps see some of them, as it inspires me and I enjoy any form of art.

Thank you kindly for your time.

Gruffudd · ‎02-05-2016

Hi Miss Kim,

Welcome to the forums. I can relate to your story. It sounds like it has been a really tough year, I hope things get better.

Last year I took the radical step of resigning from a job that paid well and moved to one that doesn't. I might have less money, but escaping the workplace bully was the best thing I have done. Still going through that has had an effect on how easily I trust. I have to do a lot of self care to safely take the risk.

There is a lot to explore in these forums, plenty of people will relate, there is creativity here, I would welcome your participation, but until then, happy reading.

Rob.

MissKima · ‎03-05-2016

Hi Rob,

Cheers for the message. I had bullies in my work, one was an older guy, supervisor, would go behind my back saying things about me, pretend to be my friend when I spoke to him, speak ill of other work mates, would make inappropriate comments about the female staff. I felt very uncomfortable and when I was accused of not doing certain things that I had I began to take steps to get out of there.

I had a second job that I moved on to, still on the school grounds, but after a while I felt like I was being forced out. My "contract" was up at the end of last year but at the same time I felt put out. Even thinking about it now, I get so engry and frustrated...

I have days like today where I try to make things better, I try to do the right thing, to distract myself or cheer myself up. Only to have it all torn down later by someone else. I wonder sometimes if there is even a point in trying.

It gets a lot harder each time.

Gruffudd · ‎03-05-2016

Hi Miss Kima,

It took time and reaching out for help for me. I had some of that 2 faced behaviour from the bully, even lying that anything had been said or done which made me doubt myself.

I think there is a point in the little things. I like the feeling of the wind and the smell of leaves in Autumn, those things gave me a little moment of contentment this afternoon. I spent some time in the garden earlier pruning and preparing a patch for some new bulbs, another little moment for me.

So there are still people around who you feel tear things down? That doesn't sound like much fun. Are they people that you want to have around? Do they know the effect they are having? Are there times when it hasn't gotten harder? Is a bit of unconditional support a help? (Sorry so many questions)

I already know there are some fabulous things about you. There is a talented artist. Also you seem to have a gentile and kind nature. I see those things as being of so much value.

The rules here don't allow me to tell you the details of where I am. But I wanted to mention that where I work we would welcome someone who had been in a school setting to work in our Ability Links program, or Carer Support, or my area, Family Support. They also have been very good with my needs around recovering from the anxiety that flows from the last job.

For me it turned around and got better. I am willing to hold out hope that your life could get better too someday.

Rob.

MissKima · ‎06-05-2016

Hi Rob,

I understand what it's like, questioning oneself even though you're sure you were right. I still get that from time to time.

I don't mean to sound so negative, I wasn't for ages, but I have gone downhill quite a bit recently. My mister has a bit of a temper and says things without thinking, especially when he gets upset or annoyed. He doesn't mean it, and is real supportive most of the time. Just sometimes its not fun.

I just realised that I have had a shadow on my shoulders since I was 14 or younger. That this personification of my depression has been there for years. Especially at times like this, I hear it speaking to me (though not literally), reminding me of all the crappy things that have happened.

All the times I embarrassed myself, the times people have bullied me, yelled at me, names I have been called. I try to drown it out, but it's very loud tonight.

I hope I can find a new job soon. I think I am allowed to say I am in WA, but jobs seem to either be scarce here, or I am simply not suited to the jobs that are around.