Feeling lost as I my wife decided to separate ...

[Puppee]

This has got to be worse than the pandemic ... my wife decided to leave me with very little warning. I am trying for counselling but it is really tough to make it through each day. Too many memories in this house which is empty.

[quirkywords]

Puppet , welcome to the forum,

I am sorry you have to deal with a break up. All your emotion will be mixed up and may feel overwhelmed.
Do you have anyone to support you.?

I hope you can have some counselling soon.

We are listening to you.

[Positive_vibes89]

Puppee, I am so deeply sorry about what has happened. I too have experienced what you have my dad walked out on my mum with no warning. I watched and supported my mum though what you are currently experiencing. Do you have some close friends or family that you can talk to about what has happened? Its such a hard thing to go through alone. I recommened going to speak to a psychiatrist, in which you need a refferal from your GP. If possible book in for an appointment with them, they also might give you some medication to help support with all the emotions that you will be experiencing.

I also recommend MensLine Australia (online counselling and forum for men) – call 1300 78 99 78 this is a excellent service that supports mental health for men.

Again im so very sorry about what has happened to you, but please know there are supports out there to help you cope with all this. Ensure that you are eating well and looking after your health while this is happening too. It might be hard to eat or sleep but you need to look after your physical health too.

[geoff]

Hello Puppee, I along with those above are deeply sorry for what's happened and the worse part is it was without any warning as there was not much you could have done, especially when everything was removed while you weren't at home, either way, it's very difficult to handle.

I can relate to this, except my wife didn't take everything, so your position is much worse and leaves you in a rather awkward predicament as there are several issues that need to be addressed and I'm really sorry if any of these upset you.

Nothing could be worse, especially during lockdown because this restricts you in many ways, unfortunately, whether you want to try and regain your marriage if another person has been involved, and whether you have children and what's going to be their fate.

Are you able to contact her and find out the reasons why because you need to know what you're coping with before you can make any decisions and a counsellor may help you list these concerns and then prepare you for any answers you need, these you might already know because you want to know what the future is going to be about the house you're in, plus the rest of the other finances your both involved in.

I am deeply sorry for what's happened and hope you can get back to us when you're available as there is much that needs to be talked about.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Puppee]

Thanks, folks. The house is empty of people and most of my wife's gear. She rented a house for a year. And I've been told it's a combination of my relatively humble house and myself that is the problem. I guess I've been jumping around trying to keep her happy for the last 20 years, but I've also made some mistakes (getting defensive when under stress - childhood baggage that I didn't register made me a bit insecure and not recognise when she needed space) and it isn't easy to understand how I can make up. For now, I'm trying to rebuild myself. It probably isn't all up to me but I keep rewinding situations in my head which isn't productive right now. I invested a lot of time in raising two lovely teenagers but my wife and I were increasingly disagreeing about things that often didn't matter. I probably should have sought help a bit earlier. I'm just taking one step at a time.

[geoff]

Hello Puppee, when we keep reminiscing about the past and what has actually happened and who may have been right and what should have happened, we keep going over the same principles, so it's never too late to talk with a counsellor so we can start to think about may have been more appropriate than what happened.

You have two lovely teenagers, so that's definitely a benefit for you.

Who was right between you and your wife depends on many situations and no one can be blamed until you tell your story to a psych so you can discuss why and what's happened.

Geoff.

[Positive_vibes89]

Puppee, don't blame yourself for what's happened. From what I saw with both of my parents each of them had issues that caused the breakdown of their marriage. So don't hold yourself 100% accountable. I completely understand the reminsing about what happened, you are trying to piece together past events that have led to her leaving you. You are in the process of grieving, losing a partner is like the death of a loved one. There are stages of grieving. These are anger, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, guilt, and numbness. We all grieve in different ways, there is no correct way. I can tell you this, it will get easier but it will take time. Focus on your kids, give them love and support. Seeing your parents seperate at their age will be difficult for them, being an adult child of divorce it really hit me hard. I found there were not many books or supports to help me cope. I reached out to beyond blue just to talk to somebody, it made me feel better. Talking about your grief will really help you, it helped mum and me. Also putting positive energy into work, new projects that you have wanted to do for a long time. Its a good time for you to take advantage of doing those things you have dreamed of and never been able to do. Include your kids in all this. Be strong for your kids, they need you too. Also try not to talk badly of their mother infront of them, or try to involve them in your seperation. Its does more harm than good, it really messed me up and now I have estranged myself from my dad. But that's by my own choice and reasons.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Go slow and allow those emotions to be expressed and talk about them. Encourage your kids to talk about their feelings too. Love and support is what is needed right now.

[Puppee]

It has been a while since I posted. My life seems to have gone upside down since the separation on August 1. The lack of communication (totally blocked) just makes it difficult to resolve or understand anything. 25 years of partnering and 20 years of marriage seems to have been chucked away without attempting any form of counselling. I feel like my wife has been kidnapped by aliens ... it might be the collision of my depressed state (because of poor communication) and my wife going through substantial mood changes which might have a menopausal link. Because of poor closure and information I made attempts to communicate but that was shut down with an interim FVO based on specious grounds. I love my wife regardless but because I have had not much sleep for over 4 months I accidentally breached the FVO while trying to communicate in a positive way. Ended up in the watchhouse 4 times, hospital once and spent 5 days in detention. I do not regret it in the sense I tried to make contact to resolve things. But maybe the wife I thought I knew has gone ... it is very depressing. I can only try to go on day by day. I can actually finally get some sleep ... though sometimes I wish I would not wake up. But I have two wonderful (if sometimes annoying, lazy and unhelpful) teenage kids so I just have to do my best. 2019 felt like a poor year, but 2020 felt worse and 2021 has been the worst. I think marriage issues are resolvable but it takes two to tango ... it is very hard to deal with not having any family around at least half the time. I wish counselling was compulsory before separation ... too many things misunderstood and left unsaid.

I hope everyone has a better year than I had.

[geoff]

Hello Puppee, it's been difficult for you and with teenage kids, you can't be sure which direction they will accept, you or your wife as they are developing their own minds and can be strong in how they feel but they can still be swayed if they agree with you.

Even if counselling was compulsory before separation, sometimes it might not achieve what you had hoped for and a mediator may be more helpful and know that it takes two to tango, but trying to sort out problems while you are still together, doesn't work as well as being separated.

I hope 2022 is going to be a better year for you.

My best.

Geoff.