Another chapter in the book of my life

[Jos30]

Firstly I just want to thank Beyond Blue for being such an amazing and supportive organisation to introduce the ability to share with others online who feel the same as you. When you walk around with a such a strong swirling mixture of thoughts and emotions that don't seem rational and you feel like you are going crazy, to be able to read so clearly my thoughts and feelings expressed by others makes me feel human again.

I've dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I was fortunate to be raised by 2 wonderful and loving parents that always taught me to be respectful, and caring of others. They taught me right from wrong and that it's ok to be different as long as you can achieve your goals and do what you believe is right. So when I was in school at a young age I guess given my choices to do the right thing and not follow the crowd, I was bullied everyday, both physically and mentally. I did not know how to make friends from an early age and became used to being on my own. I can recall after an appointment with the principle of that school with my mum and myself regarding my bullying issues, how my mother yelled at me to try harder. I was upset by her anger but even as a child I know she was angry at herself for feeling she may have raised me wrong. When it was time to look into high schooling my parents moved me from that school to a private school. The bullying stopped, but I was not equipped with an understanding or ability to make new friends, especially for that first year. I belittled myself in front of others to try to make them laugh, and when boys showed signs of affection to me, I yelled at them and told them to rack off. Overtime I made friends, some which I have even today, but it was a tough time. 

Sorry about the life story there! Even writing it down I'm understanding more about myself today as I share this with you. I have had relationships here and there. As a 30 year old girl though I feel incredibly lonely and without companions to function. I actually enjoy work as I get to be around others that banter and chat with me like a friend. When I'm outside of work I lock myself into my room on many occasions as my anxiety can get the best of me.

I'd like to use this forum here to tell you a bit about myself and my chapters of life. You can read my posts or you can ignore them. I even now feel a little selfish talking all about me, but I hope that if you follow my posts you may get something out of it, as I do from reading others

[white knight]

Hi Jos3

Thankyou for your post. It is always pleasing to get positive feedback for Beyond Blue the organisation.

I have some theories one of which is that some changes needed in society come too quickly for some to adapt.

Take bullying. I'm 59yo and bullying in my school days in the 1960's was common and not frowned upon. So we grew up with it and some people my age havent adjusted to the new age disgust of the practice.

School days then also found you humiliated for having your hair too long or wearing a home made jumper or your dad worked as a toilet can deliverer. Yes, we didnt have sewerage systems in the early 1960's.

Sexual harassment. Belittling girls and women in the 1970's while I was in the RAAF was common. Now you'd be charged. And so one should be.

Bullying still goes on but children are made more aware that what they are doing is unacceptable. So the cycle of knowledge has begun. The world is improving, gee I still cant get over people wearing what they like without fear. Floral pants?

But it isnt easy for some to change to this new age. In the workplace around 2000 I saw an older colleague cuddle a female worker. He was disciplined even though the lady didnt mind she said "he's like that and a lovely man" nevertheless the next lady might not want that cuddle. He was "old school".

The problem with these older people is lack of education. An organisation might well bring in new rules but the really alter the thinking of a worker that has ways ground into him/her from an early age they should educate effectively and give reasons for the changes.

Bullying at school age stays with you all your life. And if you are sensitive bullying at any age can hurt hard. It has to me when bullied just 2 years ago on Facebook in a motoring club. I sought the advice of a friend in that club and learned to ignore the bully totally and that bully now has backed off in embarrassment. But still some levels of bullying is still tolerated by committees that upon assessment believe such attacks are a "storm in a tea cup". Not to the victim it isnt!!

We often believe the world is doomed but we are making inroads. I believe mental illness stigma will vanish by 2050.

Tony WK