A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

[LongFace]

I've got a long face, not because I'm a grazing animal for whom it would be an evolutionary advantage to see potential predators, but because I'm really struggling at a pivotal time of my life.

I turned 50 recently. Married with 2 attention-deficit affected boys who fight all the time (several times an hour often).
My wife is sometimes supportive but more often severely critical and argumentative.
Covid was tough with my wife out at work and me running a small business with 2 boys at home - with customers going bust and staff working remotely and misbehaving.
Throughout my life competitive team sport has been very important as a stress-relief valve but at 50 I'm struggling through more and more injuries.
On the surface I should have everything (lovely house in nice suburb, attractive and clever wife) but I can't go on much longer.

Work has lost any enjoyment and my home life is constant fighting. I'm utterly burned out by it all.

I feel like I need a complete change of home and work situation to recover.
I worry about how I would get out of it all, but at the same time would like to have a close relationship with someone again - and doubt I can regain that with my wife, largely because she cannot see her way back to me. We had been out for lunch yesterday and I tried for a cuddle in the kitchen when we got back.........as usual not the response I wanted, and I'm getting fed up of that - I would like to be with someone that cuddled me back or I could have a bit of fun with. Her glass is always half-empty while mine is always half-full (although not at the moment).

Anyway. I could have been more structured - but feel it's better to put something down and say hi while I get to know the site.
Hi,
Longface

[therising]

A very warm welcome to you LongFace

I feel exhausted just reading your post. You definitely deserve time off. I believe a lot of people underestimate how thoroughly exhausting raising everyone (including yourself) can actually be. You're raising money for the household, raising the confidence of your clients in uncertain times, raising your wife to not have to worry too much about the kids while she's working as well as trying to raise the vibe of the relationship, raising the kids to try and be more conscious and considerate under the circumstances on top of trying to raise yourself (spirits and energy levels). There are definitely times in my life where I'm left feeling exhausted and a little ripped off, being led to question 'Who's raising the raiser?'

Who's raising you? Do you have some good friends who raise you to vent freely, raise you to look forward to exciting things, new adventures (as opposed to sameness)? Do they raise you to insist that others be more considerate of you? Does anyone raise you to imagine different ways where the boys could channel their excess energy? Is anyone raising you to consider new forms of activity that are kinder/more gentle on your body?

Sounds like you've got a lot of people triggering you to exhaustion and stress, not actually raising you in all the ways you deserve and need. You deserve a massage at your local physio. Perhaps throw in some added care for old injuries. Do you deserve a reasonable family? Absolutely. As a mum and wife, I insist my kids and husband are reasonable. If they're able to give me good reason for their behaviour, no probs. If there's no good reason, I'll simply refuse to tolerate unreasonable behaviour. It's more like 'Get your act together and take responsibility'. This is actually one way I manage not returning to depression. If someone's not able to reason (be reason able) in regard to why they're bringing me down, I consider this as lazy thinking on their part. I know, sounds harsh. If my husband insists we never go away because 'That's just not me' (romantic)', I'll suggest this is no good reason, rather it's more so laziness and selfishness. If my 15yo son and 18yo daughter say their reason for trailing me around the house involves their boredom, I may think 'Fair enough, it's a boring house', so we'll brainstorm for a sense of adventure.

Do you find you're surrounded, at times, by people who don't seem to give valid reasons and you're just left to tolerate their behaviour.

🙂

[LongFace]

Thank you for your reply therising, you make some interesting points that I am thinking about with respect to my situation.

Some friends don't really take my concerns seriously because I'm the big alpha male with everything, and/or none are really trained or equipped to be able to steer me forward. They have their own lives and problems. My wife was my best friend some years ago but that has evaporated and been diluted. I've reached out so many times but when you are knocked back it begins to hurt. I guess deep down I'm lonely at the moment in some ways. I know lots of people but I miss true deep friendship.

Are my family reasonable? Well it's a bit much to ask of 11 and 13 year-old boys, but I do expect more of my wife. Completely and utterly unreasonable more often than not, to the point I am considering proposing some sort of separation because I can't bear to live like this any longer (despite the fact I do deep down very much love and respect her). The shouting is starting to give me anxiety and panic attacks, and I'm trying not to spiral into any worse of a breakdown than I feel I'm already having at the moment.

Oh well, it was a good innings!

[therising]

Hi LongFace

Deep friendships offer so much, making it perfectly understandable as to why they can be truly missed in so many ways. They can offer the opportunity to discover the best in our self - the adventurer, the problem solver/sage, the lover (especially of life), the excitable and wonderful self, the imaginative self etc. Such friendships remind us of who we naturally are.

One thing I've discovered for myself involves the fact that when friendships begin to disintegrate, they can still offer the chance for us to discover who we naturally are. It took me years to see this in my own marriage. All the things that used to trigger me were actually showing me who I am. It's not my intention to make this all about me, I just wish to give you a couple of examples of what I mean so you can relate to where I'm coming from

• It used to trigger me when I wanted to have an open and honest discussion about the direction of our relationship and my husband would shut me down because he didn't like to discuss this stuff. Being triggered tells me I'm an open and honest person who doesn't want to stagnate within what's not working
• It used to trigger me when I'd want to have thoughtful conversations that involved a lot of wondering and my husband would shut these wonderful conversations down. Stuff like 'Do you ever wonder why you do this or that? I can't help but wonder what leads me to do the things I do at times.' or 'Do you ever wonder why other people behave the way they do?'. I discovered that me being triggered to agitation was based on the fact I am actually intensely wonderful (full of so much wonder). I really am like a little kid at times

Just a couple of examples here how triggers can tell us who we actually are. So if a lack of affection triggers you in some way, it's because you're an actively loving person. If a lack of interest from friends triggers you a bit, when it comes to making better sense of your challenges, it's because you're a seeker of inspiration and insight. If you're triggered by yelling, it's because you're sensitive to the need for reasonable communication. I'm conscious of of how a lack of love in action, a lack of inspiration and insight and how a lack of reasonable communication can potentially depress me. I can't tolerate a lack of certain things. That's who I naturally am. Have your own triggers and challenges shown you who you naturally are?

Btw, don't underestimate your ability to lead your boys to the skill of reasoning.

🙂

[LongFace]

Awww thank you again therising, you have helped me to see some positive things in myself, which I was struggling to do.

I spoke to someone from Beyond Blue yesterday and am considering my next steps. I am definitely suffering from emotional burnout and the articles I have read say do not take actions hastily, so I am trying to balance the need to resolve the physical sickness I feel from the stress with the need not to make mistakes with my life.

[therising]

Hi LongFace

It sounds like you're managing this challenge well, under the circumstances. You're even researching reasons to stay and work things out, even if that simply means working things out with yourself. I believe people can be tough on themself when not fully considering that a lot of the challenges they're facing can actually be first time challenges. I imagine this is the first time you've felt this level of intolerance when it comes to the things going on around you. At 50, I know there'll be a lot of first times challenges ahead of me and, under the circumstances, I will do my best to manage. With both my parents in their 80s, if they pass before I do, that will be the first time I have to manage the passing of my parents. To a degree, I've imagined how I will manage but your imagination can only take you so far. As long as we're alive, we'll continue experiencing firsts.

I've become amazed by how many sayings actually point to the onset of the kind of physical disease that stems from mental dis-ease: He/she's a pain in the neck, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I feel like I have this monkey on my back etc. Neck, shoulders and back are where we store a lot of our tension. We can't feel the tension until it's intense enough to eventually feel, then we may say 'I have no idea why I'm so stiff and sore'.

Another interesting one involves 'I'm sick of ...'. For example, 'I'm sick of not expressing how I feel. I'm sick of all the noise going on around me. I'm sick of not having any way to constructively vent my frustration. I'm sick of no one listening to me'. If we were to change 'I'm sick of...' to 'I'm sick because of...', a lot of the time it would prove much easier to identify the origins of our dis-ease/disease.

• I'm sick because of not expressing how I feel. If I'm not venting upset, I'm storing it somewhere inside me
• I'm sick because of all the noise going on around me. The noise is constantly triggering my nervous system to upset
• I'm sick because of no one listening to me. If no one's listening to me, they're not helping guide me out of distress or dis-ease
• I'm sick because of not having any way to constructively vent my frustration. That long term 'pressure cooker' sensation isn't all that good for our heart, muscles or anything else that can't function well under such pressure. When something ceases to be functional, it becomes dysfunctional

It's amazing how the mind and body are so tied in together.

🙂