Panic attacks, alcohol dependence, medication and arthritis. My back story. Now stuck in a loop of panic and depression.

[RhythmFields]

Round in circles i go.


I have had addiction to alcohol and prescription medication.
Currently i have both. As i understand a very dangerous combination.
A LONG story. Please bear with me.


A bit of background;
Age 42
Have suffered anxiety and depression my whole life. As far back i can remember, even before i started drinking at 18.
I have always liked to drink. From 20-35 i was a binger with friends. Rarely on the weekdays, but hit it hard on the weekend.
When i was in my mid 30's i had a car accident. I was prescribed pain killers. Some times codeine, usually i would take ibuprofen to ease the pain.
As life went on after 35 i started having panic attacks, so i turned to my old friend alcohol, a few after work to de-stress(also to help with the pain i was suffering form my car accident). Over time that few turned into more and more, then i was at a 6 pack every other day and more on the weekends.
There came a time my body did not agree with the ibuprofen. Bad stomach cramps and sweats, followed by vomiting. As this was my pain killer of choice , i had to then resort to codeine. Everything settled for quite some time.
Getting closer to 40. The injury from the accident was giving me constant headaches and i had trouble functioning. I got to a point the pain was so unbearable, i had to be taken to hospital. I had unbearable pain and panic attacks. Enter benzodiazepines and high doses of codeine (given to my by the hospital). At this point i was referred to a specialist for chronic pain. 1 MRI scan later and i was diagnosed with arthritis of my facets joints, early onset due to the nature of my accident.
I already had a 1 bottle of benzodiazepines for my pain relief. Had half the bottle left. To help me keep calm during my MRI the specialist gave me another script for it to make it easier on my nerves. At this point i did not think much of it and went and got the scan done.
From the results, i had an Quarterzone injection. After a couple of days, i had never felt so good. No pain, and i felt i could conquer the world. Had not felt pain free for many years. In the background i still had my benzodiazepines, and took a tablet after work to destress. Life was as good at could get at this point.
Work at this point was getting slow and the company was not winning contracts. 10 people down to 5. The 5 left due to the slow down in work and got jobs in other companies. I was hanging on for hope that work would pick up. Work did not pick up, and after spending 6 weeks in the office with nothing to do, they offered me a redundancy. I accepted as my neck pain and panic attacks was starting to come back, then saw the my specialist for the next treatment. Hope-full that it would work and then i would be back in the workforce in no time.
So next was a Facet Joint Rhizotomy (burning the nerve endings off in my neck). I was also given more benzodiazepines. The treatment worked. Worked too well. I had no sensation in the back of my neck for 6 months. The only issue with this treatment was that i could feel no pain, so no warning of everything flaring up. I got to a point where i could barely move my head, no warning of how stiff my neck was until it was too late.
Back to the specialist i went. I had some treatments with injections to reduce the inflammation. Also went to physio therapy. This improved things to a point.
At this point i was getting low on medication. I stated to the specialist that the benzodiazepines was helping me to relax and i needed more to keep improving. The specialist stated you don't need any more to improve and advised me to come back if my neck was an issue again.
2 weeks after stopping the medication a day i started having uncontrollable panic attacks. (the first couple of weeks i had headaches and some stiffness in the neck). I went to buy food from the supermarket and my head started spinning and i felt like i was about to pass out.
Went to my local GP, who i had been seeing since i was 6 years old. I was told that it was likely due to stopping medication so quickly.
I was prescribed benzodiazepines again and was cutting down slowly. With the next month the days got longer apart and i stopped taking it and everything was fine.
My beer consumption at this point was every other day. A couple of months later, i got the news that my potential girlfriend suddenly decided to see someone else from a friend of mine. Things went down hill very quick. I started drinking every day and the 6 beers went to 10. Before i new it i was an alcoholic and i could not function past an hour of waking up and drinking. I then went to the doctor stating i could not cope and was prescribed benzodiazepines again. Everything seemed ok until a couple of months passed.
In the middle of the night i woke up choking and vomiting. In the days that followed i booked my self into a rehab clinic. It was scary as they told me to try and cut down, but to keep drinking as they were concerned about issues with withdrawals. AND to stop taking medication. 
Right at this point for GP retired. So no trustworthy GP.
Finally after a week i was able to get to the clinic. After a long conversation, alcohol test, drug test and vitamin B injection they put me through a detox. After the full 5 days i felt amazing and never wanted to drink again. No alcohol for a month. Until.........
I found out my GP retired. I was free of alcohol, but not the benzodiazepine addiction. I still had some left, so i took small doses after that until i had none left. Then after i ran out the panic attacks started again. So i started to drink again.
At this point i was lost. I tried to find a GP. The first just gave me a script and sent me on my way. I was drinking every other day, some times every 3 days. At this point drinking was not an issue for me.
I kept doing that for many months, until Christmas came and was told I could not see my daughter for Christmas. The drinking got worse and I was denied benzodiazepines after a few visits to the doctor. At that point I was consistently taking it everyday.
After that I went to a new doctor. I was honest about everything and was referred to a physiologist. I tried to reduce my drinking. 1 month later I admitted to a drinking problem due to the fact my mind was clouded and I could barely think any more without getting panic attack. So alcohol detox again....


I had no alcohol for three months.


After the detox the doctor monitored me closely. 2 weeks had passed with no prescription medication. The panic was starting to set in.


I was told that my dose was a nothing dose and it is not an issue. My heart rate was above normal, I could not think straight and I did not care if would not wake up in the morning. Every step or movement would be me having a panic attack.


5 weeks in and I went to the hospital due to me thinking I was having a stroke. ECG and much consultation. The hospital said it was neck related and I was having a panic attack. So I was prescribed benzodiazepines. 1 tablet and I felt dopey but normal. The last few weeks of hell erased by the drug. Still I was told that it was a nothing dose.


FF now. New doctor and trying to get best meds for me. To help me with uncontrollable panic attacks. The no. 1 thing he has said is that everyone is different. And some people are sensitive to medication (so dosage is different for people). I now have trust in a doctor, that I didn’t have until my long term one retired. I am seeing him weekly and he is adjusting accordingly.




To sum it all up, if you don't want to read it all........
I have a drinking problem again. If I detox from drinking, I fear that I will be cut off from the vprescription medication. I don't want to be told the dose I take is a nothing dose and want to taper very slowly due my panic attacks. I simply don't want to go full circle and start drinking again to try and get my panics attacks under control again.


Stuck in a Loop.

[Doolhof]

Hi RhythmField,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Sounds like it has been quite a journey.

Hopefully this new Dr will be able to help you. It can be complicated adding medications to alcohol, as the Dr mentioned, both substances can affect people differently.

I'm wondering if you have been to see a psychologist at all during this journey of yours? There are people who deal in pain management.

Counselling may help you to find ways to deal with your panic attacks and to reduce the effect they have on you.

I have experienced different medical episodes due to a combination of prescription medications clashing in my system.

Have you done any research on panic attacks at all? If you find some information hat is useful, you could share it with your Dr and ask for suggestions.

Hope you find some answers and manage to learn how to deal with the panic attacks. For me, it helps to do some deep breathing when I first notice an attack is on its way. Distraction and talking to someone helps me as well.

Cheers from Dools

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi RhythmField,

Good to see you reaching out on the forum. Your story does sound like it has a rhythm to it but one that you want to get unstuck from. You sound like you have a lot of insight to what is going on with you and this is a great step in the right direction. You have managed significant pain and stress related to an accident and have had long periods of recovery. You should remind yourself of the incredible strength you have demonstrated through what can only be a very painful and difficult experience.

I concur with Dools. In your story I assume you would have seen counsellors for your alcohol and prescription medications dependence through rehab but I am wondering if you have used any other treatment modality? For example, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy can really help people who are stuck in a pattern or cycle. You could try getting a mental health care plan from your GP and getting referred to a psychologist who specialises in anxiety. It sounds to me like at the base of this all, it is the anxiety and panic attacks that get you back on to the alcohol and benzodiazepines. This is also of course compounded by having chronic pain related to your neck injury from a significant car accident. Learning how to manage your anxiety and panic attacks could be a really important step to getting you out of the cycle that you describe.

Another strategy that some people engage with is called Mindfulness. It is like meditation and allows your brain to rest using quite specific techniques. It is not easy to learn this practice but again, with time and persistence, you can learn how to let your thoughts move through your mind without reacting to them. A good starting point for this is an app called Smiling Mind but a psychologist can also work with you on learning this skill or refer you to a mindfulness group.

There are many suggestions that you will find on the beyondblue forum. If you ever want immediate support, don't hesitate to call the beyondblue support line. Sometimes having a chat with someone can make all the difference to your day, it is a free call on 1300 22 4636.

As Dools suggested, there is some good information and threads on the beyondblue site and forum on panic attacks. I recommend using the search feature at the top of the screen to find other related posts and information.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[White_Rose]

Dear Rhythm Fields

Welcome to the forums. This is a good, safe place for you to talk about your various difficulties. I hope you will stay with for a while and allow us to walk with you.

Your story is a long saga of pain and addiction complicated by panic attacks. I used to have panic attacks so I can relate to you about this. I am so sorry you have struggled for so long. Nurse Jen has made some suggestions to you which I believe will be helpful. I see you have been referred to a psychologist. How is that going? Are you on a mental health plan? If not may I suggest you talk to your GP about this. It will reduce the cost of your psychology fees.

Another suggestion has been to read the information available on BB. Start by browsing through the tabs at the top of the page.

Learning about Mindfulness is a good thought. It can really help to focus your thoughts in a beneficial way. It's also cheap because you do not need anyone to help you once you have mastered the basics. Similarly you could try meditation which I practice. I meet with a group of meditators once a week and meditate at home every day. Again this can be a great help and help you manage withdrawal symptoms.

Sometimes we need to get away from the thoughts in our head and the body pain. Unfortunately we are stuck with them but there are ways to reduce the impact without medication, or with a small dose. I have the body is amazing at healing itself once you get it back on track. Seeing a psychologist can help this to happen.

Please continue to write in here. We can support you and it's definitely a good place to write about yourself.

Mary

[therising]

Hi RhythmFields

My heart goes out to you as you deal with the incredible frustration of such a cycle. By the way, glad you've found a new GP you can trust.

We're definitely comprised of a lot of chemistry. Tweaking that chemistry here and there, for a number of reasons and in a number of ways, can seem like a never ending cycle. When the goal becomes about achieving a sense of pain relief, mentally and physically, it can sometimes come down to 'a team effort' (incorporating a number of really good specialists who are able to communicate effectively with each other to various degrees). This is the case with a friend of mine who has multiple complex issues. She has found the benefit of such a 'team attitude' to have paid off in a variety of ways. She has about 7 specialists who work together in regulating medication and monitoring blood test results. With many of our internal systems tied to each other in some way (working together), external teamwork becomes key. If the specialists aren't on the same page, this will often be reflected in the way our body/brain functions.

My friends' rheumatologist has had a major impact on her inflammation levels and therefor her quality of life/mental well-being. She's also a very empowering specialist, explaining in detail why my friends' body is acting/reacting the way it is. She'll print off inflammation progress charts and includes my friend in the management process of her own body. Psychologically, this has also had a positive impact (providing a sense of control and hope).

Regarding the alcohol side of things, personally, this was my 'go to' drug of choice throughout my years in depression. As you would know, although it can appear effective in a number of ways, it definitely has its down side and can be almost impossible to control when it comes to regulating it. It can definitely be hard to break free from it, especially when we associate it with providing relief. It is, for sure, one seriously toxic 'bandaid' in many ways.

Given your complex and extremely challenging situation, perhaps it's worth talking to your GP about a team scenario (therapist included). As I've mentioned, when there's a team working inside of us (cells, organs, neural pathways etc), having a team working outside of us, step by cautious step, can determine the communication our body needs in order to experience relief from various states of dis-ease. Worth a thought.

Take care RhythmFields

[geoff]

Hello RhythmFields, after reading all of these comments, I'm sorry for what's happened.

All I can add is that your doctor can prescribe a particular type of medication which will stop any urge for you to drink, it takes away any need to drink.

Hope you feel better.

Geoff.