Cancer Sucks, how do you cope with it?

[Jono87]

Hi all,

I'm a 37yo male who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 oesophageal cancer. 

I was diagnosed in January of this year, prior to this I was living a mostly healthy lifestyle aside from the occasional beer after work. With no history of cancer in my family the oncologist told me it was likely a genetic defect at birth. 

Life has certainly flipped in the past 6 months, dealing with emotions and thoughts that I never thought I would have to deal with. Luckily I have amazing support in the form of great family and friends, a wonderful medical team and an amazing psychologist. 

My mental health is strong and I am responding well to my current treatments (my primary tumour has shrunk by almost 50%!) but processing new thoughts and emotions has been the biggest challenge.
So what I would like to know and encourage a discussion on is how do other people deal with the new and unsettling challenges that arise with a cancer diagnosis. I am interested to hear and talk with both cancer patients, survivors, carers and anyone (which is almost all of us) who has been affected by cancer in their lives.

Hope you're all having a great week!

F**k Cancer!!
Jono

[Summer Rose]

Hello and a big warm welcome to the forum.

I was very sorry to read about your cancer diagnosis and can certainly understand how this diagnosis must have rocked your world. It is great that you now have a wonderful medical team in place and that you are currently doing well, both physically and psychologically. More power to you.

I haven’t had cancer but supported my mother through her seven-year battle with lung cancer.  Along the way, the new and unsettling challenges didn’t seem to stop. It was a real roller coaster ride of remarkable highs and lows.
Unfortunately, my mother refused to acknowledge the mental health challenges she was experiencing and there was virtually no acknowledgment from her of the need to process new thoughts and emotions.  Consequently her behaviour at times was very challenging to deal with. She was often angry and frustrated and took those emotions out on the people around her. 

I did a lot of reading of other people’s experiences and spoke with a psychologist to manage my  mental health. The psychologist helped me to respond to my mother with empathy and kindness.

I often tried to initiate discussions with my mother about her own feelings (using tips from the psychologist) but she would shut down any conversation. It was really challenging.

I really want to congratulate you on your approach and encourage you to continue. By looking after your mental health and talking through your new emotions you can grow and even flourish.

What I know is that, this time in your life is tough but it is also brimming with inherent meaning. Every moment counts.

Happy to chat more, please post any time.

Kind thoughts to you

[Jono87]

Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you for your kind words and sorry to hear about your mothers battle.

I learnt quite quickly that it wasn’t just me who was affected by this. It was easy to get caught in my own thoughts and feelings and immediately shut down and try to do everything on my own. Once I realised I needed support and had so much at my fingertips, it changed everything! 
I was also conscious of how my negativity or squashing of any talks of my cancer was affecting those close to me. Again this encouraged me to answer their questions and encourage conversation. 
Along with regular psych appointments through my hospital, chats with my best friend who’s also a therapist, amazing friends and a loving and supportive family, I really am grateful that I’ve turned this awful and life changing situation in to the most positive experience I can. Boy do I view life differently these days, sadly I have a diagnosis to thank for it.

 How did the psychology appointments work for you? 

thank you again for your reply

 Jono

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jono

You sound like you are doing incredibly well managing your emotions and relationships. You have amazing insight and strength—bravo. Having said that, being able to receive support is an important gift to yourself and I’m sure that it will serve you well.

The psychology appointments were of enormous help to me, particularly after all treatment options were exhausted in the last year of my mother’s life. 
I really struggled because I saw this as such important time that “should” be used for reflection and expressions of love, joy and connection. Yet my mother was bitter and angry and sought conflict right up until her last few days with us. 

My psychologist helped me to really see her pain, fear and anger (she was losing everything, not me) and to let go of my “should” thinking.

These discussions were enlightening and unexpectedly helpful to me a short time later after my own diagnosis of a life changing illness. 

Everything happens for a reason, Jono. It’s hard to see it sometimes but one of the “silver linings” of a most painful time in my life whilst supporting my mother was that I was better prepared for what was coming my  way.

Doesn’t mean that I don’t hate cancer, I do. As you say, F**k cancer!  How do you cope with randomness of your diagnosis? I’m sure you’ve had plenty of “why me?” moments and understandably so. Do you feel that’s behind you now?

Kind thoughts to you