The warmest welcome to such a beautiful deeply caring guide and sister 🤗
Whether we're a sister, a mum, a daughter, a friend or some other guide for someone, there are always going to be times where we learn through hindsight. As a mum, I reached the conclusion that the only thing I can do, when having become more conscious further down the track, is 1)apologise for not having been fully conscious at the time and 2)figure out how to manage to guide my kids now that I am more conscious. Now that you're more conscious of your absence being a trigger for your sister, you're acting like any good guide and that involves asking the question 'Where to from here?'.
Seeing you probably know your sister better than anyone, could some of the following make a difference to her
- Speaking to her about your own challenges with SH and some of the things that worked for you. Knowing that you can relate might also offer some reassurance
- Being able to video chat at set times of the week could also make some difference. It's one thing to just talk over the phone and hear someone's voice, it's another to be able to see that person. Sometimes it's a multi sensory experience that makes the difference. This also gives her something to look forward to
- Being able to help her gain a sense of who's the next best person for her to speak to, after you, could be another way to go. Whether it's an aunt, uncle, friend of yours, teacher, people on the forums here etc etc, leading her to develop a group or circle of supportive guides means she develops a number of 'go to' people instead of just that one reliable person (you)
- Leading her to make sense of why she does it can be another thing that may help. There can be so many different reasons for SH. If you can hit on the reason she does it, you'll have a better understanding of the triggers and how to manage them. If someone had led me to better understand why I did it when I was young (I'm a 56yo gal now) it would have made a difference to me. Whether we do it based on the endorphin high, the need to punish ourself or some other reason, it definitely pays to figure it out
- I imagine what may make some difference to her could involve reassuring her along the lines of 'You're not going backwards, returning to SH, you're just facing a whole new next level challenge that's triggering this response'. Letting her know that she's going 'next level' in the way of the need for greater self understanding and self development may lead her to not thinking badly of herself. Getting her to start wondering 'Okay, what skill do I need to develop at this point in my life, under these circumstances' could be a way to go. Wondering with her about that skill/those skills could perhaps fast track her to developing it/them. Sometimes we can lose sight of just how far we've come when the occasional relapse happens
Of course, as others here have mentioned, it's so important to determine the extent of the SH and where it's heading. If it's an emergency situation or leading up to and emergency situation, all promises of not telling anyone need to go out the window. Tell anyone who needs to be told (your dad, a trusted relative, emergency services etc).
If your sister's a real 'feeler' or 'sensitive', someone who feels/senses so easily and deeply, 'Sensitive Is The New Strong' by Anita Moorjani is a good read in my opinion. It takes the concept of sensitivity as being a weakness and flips it completely into sensitivity or sensing as being an ability (that needs to be better understood and mastered). 'I am a powerful feeler' is a much better identity than 'I am weak and hopeless'.❤️
