Partner with depression and controlling mother

Cls · ‎09-01-2018

I have been dating this guy for almost a year now. It started off really good. I was getting along with his family and he with mine. A few months into the relationship, although we were still good, I could see he was having trouble. He couldn't keep a job and I found out his brother has bipolar and has been using ice. My partner was telling me not to come over and it wasn't a good idea to see him, but I kept coming anyway. so his brother is now coming off of ice, going in and out of a rehab centre. And his mum and I no longer get along because I 'keep taking her son away' , keeping in mind he is an adult. She wanted him there to help her, but he didn't want to stay so he stayed at mine for a couple of months. He went from sleeping all day to cooking, doing household chores and exercising while at mine. But despite talking to his family daily, they were very nasty to him and myself which only made him worse. So Christmas comes around, we made plans to see my family in the morning and his in the afternoon. All morning, he was on the phone to his mum who I could hear yelling at him, some nasty things. She then played the blame game, blaming me for everything, which wasn't the first time. Then accused us of being on drugs! We ended up going to his after only an hour with my family. We got there and I was told I was not welcome. He said he would be back on boxing Day, but he wasn't, I didn't even hear from him. None of his friends could get through to him either. I ended up calling the cops to check on him, which has made things worse. I finally see him a couple days ago and he tells me his depression is really bad and needs help. He has started having suicidal thoughts. He lives a few hours away and I cannot go to his house because of his mum. I again am unable to contact him. He knows he needs help but is scared to take the step. He thinks everyone hates him now. How can I help him overcome this fear? And I have tried apologising to his mum all efforts have been ignored. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. I love him. But it's becoming frustratingly difficult on me. He said he was shitting me out to keep from hurting me, but not hearing from him is so much worse.

Michelle2000 · ‎09-01-2018

Does he have a mobile he could be privately contacting you on?

Unfortunately ive found when theres problems with the parents it goes 1 of 2 ways. Either they choose you over the family and lose them.. possibly becoming resentful of their partner or having to hide the relationship from them.. OR the family wins and bullies you out of their life.. it rarely comes to a complete recovery in my opinion..

does he stand up to them and say mum this is who i love i need you to accept her or does he just let them control him

Im not sure what you could do but happy to listen anytime..

Cls · ‎10-01-2018

He has his phone switched off at the moment.

I was getting along with her mostly until recently when they were having trouble with my partners brother. That's when it got bad. They were telling him he had to be there, if he didn't comeback he'd abandoned them and it meant he didn't care. She has it in her head that for the family to be close, they have to be within a 5 minute drive of each other. She is also Catholic, I don't have a religion which she doesn't like. I have always tried to be respectful of her belief even though it isn't my thing.

He has stood up to her in the past. But she is very strong minded in that it's her way or the highway as they say. He has struggled lately with how bad his depression is.

I have told him before that I am not going to make him choose. The problem is family makes him put them first instead of himself. I understand family comes before me, but he needs to put himself first. They want him to look after them (he is the eldest and dad passed away a few years ago) but he can barely look after himself at the moment.

His mum is very strong, he is not. He does try. But she doesn't stop to listen to the boys either, she is all talk. I am strong and I love him, so I'm not ready to let her push me away. He can't battle her and his depression at the same time. I'm not the only one he is shutting out though, which is my concern.

Cls · ‎11-01-2018

So. I just went around to his house. I tried to make peace with his mum. I let her yell at me and blame me. She blamed me for my partners condition (he has been like this before I me him, after his dad died) and blamed me for her family falling apart. Blamed me for his brothers drug addiction.

I apologized for the things I did that have offended her, I apologised for the things I said when I was stressing about my partner, I was a wreck and wasn't thinking.

She let me see him though. We went for a walk, but I had to leave my car key or she wasn't going to let us.

She told me to 'piss off and don't comeback' but my partner and I are still together, we love each other. She has his phone and is reading all my messages.

I told her I respect that, but I am still seeing her son. He's an adult, the decisions he has made are his.

So now I am relying on a friend of his to act as a middle man so I can see him. His friend is happy to do so thankfully.

Is my partner being mentally abused?

He keeps saying this is all his fault, I know it isn't. But she twists him and his way of thinking. This isn't fair on him. She his making him choose. I feel like if she loves him, she should be respecting his decision, respecting that he loves me. He shouldn't have to choose. Just because he is with me it doesn't mean he doesn't love them, but she seems to think as soon as he steps outside the house, he has abandoned them and she says hurtful things to him. Mother's shouldn't do that. It makes me sad, angry and frustrated.

Why is this so hard.