How do I help?

[Minxi]

Hey everyone. I haven't been here before, hope I'm doing it right.

I was wondering if anyone can help work out the difference between being rejected by someone with depression, and when it's just an excuse to ditch someone you don't want? I know this is horribly selfish if he really does have depression, but my own insecurities nag at me and I think I'm just not good enough for him even though he says it's the other way around. Are people suffering depression still able to date and send gorgeous texts and make you think they want something real? What signs should I be looking for here and what can I do to help him if he is genuinely depressed? This person is important to me and I have known him a long time. I haven't heard from him since he broke down saying he's a failure. I don't know what to think.

[geoff]

hi Minxi, 20 years is a long time but depression is so destructive, but I think he was doing it to make you feel wanted, unfortunately it didn't happen only making the situation much worse and the reason he hasn't contacted you is because he feels ashamed of himself for not providing what would have been a successful time, but that would have only been a happy few moments because his depression would still be there.

I have no doubt he will contact you, but you can send him an SMS saying you would always be there for him or that you love him, then it's up to him, so you have to decide what you want to do. Geoff.

[Minxi]

Is depression a permanent thing? We went through this last year and it hurt just as much. He said back then that he needed more time to sort himself out. We are now 18 months down the track and the exact same thing has happened. He says he is seeing therapists but things are actually worse for him now than last year, mainly due to custody/ financial issues that have arisen in the meantime. I'm sorry Geoff but I can't bring myself to text him. I feel like an idiot for giving him a second chance only to be used and rejected again. He may well feel ashamed but i think it's cowardly for him to do that and not even text to see if I'm alright.

[Bethie]

Hi

You've said he has more going on now with custody/financial stuff. That would be hard on anyone even more so for a person suffering depression.

I get the feeling he wanted to give you what he thought you wanted but did not know how to handle not being able to. Then by you having a breakdown he felt even more less able to handle things.

It might be a idea to see a GP yourself to get a professional opinion

[Minxi]

I didn't have a breakdown Bethie. He did. I tried to reassure him that he is good enough and that I could try to help him with his life issues but he won't let me in. Is convinced he's a failure and no good to anyone. Guess I'll just wait it out and hope he comes back as my friend.

[geoff]

hi Minxi, depression is with us once we have had it, but that doesn't mean we can't laugh, joke have fun, go out and enjoy ourselves because we can.

I've still got depression but have got on with what I want to do without any trouble for a few years, so I'm having a good, decent life, enjoying what I do, but I could have a relapse and then I recover and I understand if you don't want to text him, then perhaps you may think about keeping him as a friend while you move on. Geoff.

[Minxi]

Good call Geoff. I have one more question if that's okay? What's the difference (if any) between depression triggered by life events (that's where he is at) and depression that's just there? How come he won't let me help in a practical way?