Help with mother-in-law

[frieda]

I don't even know where to start, so I will start with what is most current. My husband has taken a job overseas and I am left behind to care for my mother in law. We will move to join him in a month or so. That might seem like a small problem, but the thing is she has been with us for last four years. After she moved in, we stopped going anywhere. I have lost all my friends because they ask me to take my mother in law with me everywhere I go. I dread meeting people. I have gone to movies about 4 times in last one year and for  that too I have heard comments from people that I should have taken her with me. I know I suffer from acute social anxiety disorder.

About my mother in law- she loves to criticize me to others. Whenever she meets someone, she tells them everything about my daily routine. It's like living on reality television forever. I believe people also like juicy gossips. There is nobody I can trust.

There is no hope for me. It's going to be like this forever. When I pray, I hear only one thing that the only solution to this is to die. I sometimes think ways to end my life.

[frieda]

Yes, the mother in law is going with us. It's going to be me, my husband and her. And yes, she wants to go with us everywhere. It's not too hard to deal with that. We can tell her that we can not take her or make an excuse. But what to do with people? They just can not stop asking why the mother in law is not with us. All they can see is a poor old woman being alone at home.

She doesn't have any friends because there's no one her age in the community. In any case, whenever she meets someone, she immediately starts complaining about us, how we are neglecting her. People are full of sympathies for the old woman. I just don't matter to any one.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Where are you moving to?  Hopefully there is a larger aged community there, so she can make some friends?  Then when people ask where she is, you can say "She's at bingo with her friends, having the time of her life".  Having some more positives in her life should make her act less abrasively towards you.  Since she doesn't have any friends, and even doesn't get along with the people she's living with, it seems the only hobby she has left is complaining.

Does she like gardening??  Music?  Tai chi?  Anything like that?  Maybe just a newspaper subscription, so her rage can go where it belongs - in letters to the editor.

[geoff]

dear Frieda, it's no wonder you feel the way you do, and really it's pretty well disrespectful for her to do this.

I hope that something better comes along for you, you deserve to be better accepted by her. L Geoff. x

[frieda]

No Rodentdron. Having more positives in her life never worked for me. It was actually much worse when we were living where she knew a lot of people. She always forced me to accompany her wherever she went. She, her friends and relatives practice their religion and customs diligently, I don't. She always tried to shame me for my preferences  in front of others. It was a much harder battle then. It's at least easier to avoid people here, but I have been trying avoiding people so much that I have completely isolated myself and I can not find any solution.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Why do you have to go everywhere she goes??  Why does she want you to go with her if she doesn't like you?  I don't get it.  Just say you don't want to.  Since she apparently doesn't like you, I don't know how it can be a secret to her that you don't like her either.  Just say "No, I don't think I'll enjoy myself.  I don't like hanging out with you because you always belittle me".

Why are you isolating yourself?  That seems like shooting yourself in the foot.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Rodentdron,

Mother in laws seem to assume power by way of association.   If they are unhappy with the daughter in law they can simply complain to their son, the husband.  It's probably easier to not rock the boat (although frieda might benefit if she did) as otherwise hubby will have to "sort it all out" which is gonna end badly for frieda if he's so galvanised by his own mum.

I'm not sure how else frieda can cope other than by not coping.  You'd think her husband would sense the dislike between frieda and his mum.    Isn't there a post where frieda identifies their trips out as hubby, her and the mother in law ? LIke they say, two's company, three's a crowd.

Adios, David.

PS   Family honour in cultural madness ?

[frieda]

Power of persuasion-my mother in law is an expert at this. Doesn't mean I have to go with her everywhere. I do say no. She keeps insisting and I keep saying no. Even if I eventually don't go with her, I end up very tired mentally and irritated to the core.

As I said earlier I don't fit in with the community, I don't practice the religion and the cultural discipline much and because of that I am made to feel like an outcast. So, I find it easier to isolate myself.

[frieda]

Dear David,

She complains a lot to her son and I also tell him everything. After 20 years of marriage, he understands my temperament very well and he also understands the problems very well. He has tried to make his mother understand. But, the problem remains that we still can not live a normal life, and like you said earlier it's eating me away.

Thanks for your reply.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Being worn-out sounds like a perfect excuse to have a bubble-bath to the sounds of Chopin and Satie 😄 .  What's the difference between being worn out and being pleasantly, relaxedly tired?  I find they're rather conveniently interchangeable.  The removal of an antagonist can be as good as the presence of a positively pleasurable thing!  "Ahhhhhh, that's nice.  Feel that sweet, sweet motherinlawlessness."

I don't know how long you've been isolating yourself for, so this may not be applicable, but continued isolation doesn't tend to have great effects on us humans, so maybe try to find some other people to associate with, who don't care about those cultural norms.  You don't have to commit to replacing your old circle with new people, but just being around people every now and then - any kind of people, so long as it's a social setting - is probably better for your wellbeing.

[Marie_7242]

Really feel for you, so many people don't understand how controlled you can be by cultural expectations.