Dear Josh.T~
I guess I know why you're here - for the same reason I first told my wife, then my psych, that I had attempted to take my life. At that stage I'd try anything to feel just a little better.
Don't worry about your writing, it is fine - quite good enough for reading and getting the idea over.
Please don't apologize, it is something that has been hitting you hard for so long, and being exhausted and feeling there is no hope goes with the territory.
I can see from what you write you love you wife and kids, and think that what you put them though is very bad. Actually the fact you love them is gold.
I got to the stage where I thought what I was putting my family though was so bad I'd be doing them a favor if I was no longer there.
Of course I was very wrong and when later I told them this they were horrified - they really needed me and loved me. I was a huge part of their lives - and still am
The thing is I was not thinking properly. Depression had narrowed down my view of the world to just a few seemingly insoluble problems (all of them my fault) and I needed to fix things. I never realized they were in fact not my thoughts, but those put there by the illness. It is very sneaky and you think those thoughts are your own.
It is only later you can look back and see there was always more in the world than you could see then , and some of it was pretty good.
I'm really good nowadays, a bit of battle to get there but helped along the way by my family, and by doctors (some are pretty cluey and bulk-bill.)
Sadly a lot of psychologists do charge, makes life very difficult. So I'd suggest you talk over expenses and options with your GP and see if there are any suggestions.
I'd not want to change my life now and I'd hope you can reach the same place - if I can be a total wreck and get there perhaps you can too.
I'm not going to overload you with more at the moment but do hope we can talk again
Croix.
