I lose my free will when I'm not allowed to choose death

[Angelhathaway]

With the family history of depression, I was so afraid of falling into depression but the more I worried about it the more it will grow out of control. First I could say to myself, it's just mood swing, everybody had bad experience, it will be ok, but it's not. The bad things happened in life triggered the depression that made me feel I could never get better again, I started to lose the basic will of living. It's no longer about the bad thing that happened in the past, it's about losing the will to do the simple things in life. Everything in life seems so difficult, I just don't want to be any part of it. Death become the only hope but it's forbidden in my religion. I started to question my religion, isn't Free Will the gift of the universe? When I cannot choose death means I lost my Free Will. How did I come to this point? Smile, I need to live for the people I love, be strong be brave. But when will this end? I still got a long time to go, and who knows what's going to happen? Hell is better than depression because at least you know it's the worst known to human consciousness. I'm not afraid of hell but I'm afraid of not knowing when I can reach hell. God please save me, I don't want to hurt anyone who cares about me, but living like this is really made it difficult for people around me. What should I do?

[james1]

Hey Angelhathaway,

It's nice to meet you. It sounds like you're finding it really hard to get by each day, and I'm really sad to hear how difficult it is for you.

Please know that there are people who care and we are here to support you. If you ever feel in danger to yourself or others, please call 000. I have been to hospital about 6 years ago now and they gave me the temporary support and shelter I needed to get back on my feet. I was only there for a few days, but it was really helpful for me.

BeyondBlue also runs a support line on 1300 224 636 who are some really compassionate people that will listen to you and hear what you have to say. They can also provide advice if that is what you're looking for.

You have asked quite a few questions, some which seem to be rhetorical, and some are really deep philosophical questions that I suspect will have really personal answers. What really stuck out to me is that a lot of your questions seem to be around: how can we live, when life seems so difficult?

My own personal answer to this, as I discovered in hospital, was that I need to live for myself, and for the hope for a better future. In my own case, I felt so low that I reasoned things couldn't get worse. The worst would be they'd stay the same. Anything else could only be better. So I decided to live quite differently and stop living for other people and doing what other people wanted, and to do what I wanted. It took me about 3 or 4 years, but I think I'm slowly getting better at it now.

So I'm not sure what your best course of action would be, but it sounds like you still have something you hold onto each day: the care and love for people around you, your religion, and the desire to be strong and brave. So maybe for now, that's the main thing - hold onto what's important, take care of yourself, and see if we can get you some really good support.

Let us know how you are going. We're here for you.

James

[geoff]

Hello Angelhathaway, when you feel like this, there isn't any free will, no matter what happens, usually there is nothing that pleases us, and even though it might have before, now it has no effect, except make us feel worse.

If you believe in religion, I respect that and have no objection and whether you believe in heaven and hell, that's an opinion of your religion and I'm not going to argue, but there are people who don't believe in either, however, depression of any type is certainly a reality and those that dispute this are only pretending that there is a better life for all of of us, a belief that needs to be discussed with an open mind, because if it is closed, then this can't be talked about.

God will help you if that's what you want to believe, but in fact, you need someone who is trained to talk through this with you, because there are many options that you may not know about to get you through this to show the love you have for people who can then reciprocate their affection to help you.

Geoff.

Life Member.  

[Sophie_M]

Hi Angelhathaway
 
Thank you for your post to our BB forum this afternoon. We're really glad you've found your way here, and we hope that you'll find some of the support, care and answers you're hoping to find from our beautiful online community.
 
We're so sorry to hear how difficult and dark it's been for you. It sounds as though you're really having some major conflicting thoughts about your faith and marrying them up with the feelings of being unable to find a way out of this despondency, with the struggle to keep on keeping on that you've been going through. We're also concerned that you haven't mentioned any professional supports in your post, so we'd really love to ask you to go and have a chat with your GP as soon as possible to share how you've been feeling and to get a referral for some professional support.
 
Angelhathaway, perhaps you might find some solace here (and we hope you do), but we'd also like to suggest to you that perhaps it might be worth considering giving us a call on 1300 22 4636 (24/7), to get some brief confidential counselling support from one of our qualified counsellors. We also have a webchat option (Click here) if you prefer to text rather than talk over the phone? The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here.
 
Our counsellors are all fully qualified, and no issue is ever too big or too small to consider... (please note that we've reached out to you privately tonight - please check your inbox)
 
IMPORTANT NOTE - PLEASE: Call 000 (triple zero) if you are in immediate danger to yourself or please take yourself to your nearest Emergency Department for mental health assistance if you feel you can.
 
We hope to hear from you again soon.
 
Kind regards,
 
Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi Angelhathaway,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

With the mental health condition I endured I believe it took me to hell on my journey it was such a horrible unrelenting place to be and not a place I ever wanted to stay.

I chose to fight, to fight to reach the light.

Please search for the light because hell is no place to stay and you have an amazing life ahead of you.

Have you thought about seeking professional help?

I understand It's hard to put on a happy face and endure what we feel on the inside, because it's a very scary tormenting place to be.

Please seek the help you need so you can live in the light it really is possible.

Please hold onto HOPE because if you hold onto it then HOPE is possible.

[therising]

Hi Angelhathaway

I feel for you so much as you struggle with feeling the depths of depression while trying to question your way out of it at the same time.

From my own experience, I've developed the habit of questioning my way out of incredibly dark episodes. I should say I'm far from being a master at it at this point. I've found every answer holds some light, some form of enlightenment, or what some may call 'Aha!' or 'light bulb' moments which can help make better sense of things. For me, these are periods of incredibly deep contemplation that help me stay out of long term depression, something I left behind me some years ago.

Being a mind/body/spirit gal, I acknowledge the mental impact in depression (the brutal and sometimes torturous internal dialogue, the belief systems we're identifying with that can contribute to our sense of identity etc). I acknowledge the physical impact, including the chemical imbalances within depression, what it does to our energy levels and so on. While I fully acknowledge the impact of these, I also relate to what's natural.

I figure, why would we not naturally begin to question all the things that could possibly be depressing us? Why would we not naturally question a religion that holds some depressing beliefs, leading us to sift out what's depressing, with only inspiration remaining? By the way, hard to begin questioning a religion we were taught to never question. Why would we not naturally question some of our relationships that feel like they're depressing us? Why would we not begin to question feelings, the way we're feeling our connection to life or disconnection from it? Why not question our identity, the way others have given us our identify through their beliefs? Are some of those beliefs depressing? There are just so many questions on a quest to better understand our self, our connection to life and our connection to the powers that be.

With your fear regarding a family history of depression, could you possibly be the first who will come to manage depression in ways no one else has been able to? Is anyone helping you constructively question or are they simply saying 'You think too much', shutting down certain lines of questioning which may be key to you raising yourself? I have faith in you.

[Angelhathaway]

Thank you for all the kind replies! I'm really glad I found this place, at least I can openly share my feelings, I didn't mean to get anyone upset with my messed up thoughts. But my situation is like trying to get out of this material world but stuck in here whenever I start coping with the simple things in life. The cycle never ends and the same with my philosophy questions. Religion did not set me free but it helped me to not hurt the people around me by forbidding suicide. In the end the pain is that I'm not trying to achieve Nirvana but to reach Oblivion and not knowing how to get there.

[Petal22]

That’s ok Angelhathaway,

We are grateful you found us 😊

Have you ever tried meditation? With practice I believe it can take us into oblivion because when we meditate regularly we can begin to find more space in between our thoughts and the more practice we have with meditation the longer the spaces will become.

Its very peaceful and enlightening.

I like to just put my attention on my breath when I meditate and when my mind wonders I bring it back to my breath.

🙏

[Angelhathaway]

Thank you for your advice, I will try.

[Angelhathaway]

Thank you for such kind words. My biggest problem is to think about questions that may never have answers. Mind is like the ocean and I'm drowning, religion seems like the last thing I can hold on to but deep inside I still have too many questions that doesn't make sense to convince myself or maybe I never really believed in it but there is nothing else to keep me alive and not to hurt people around me deeply. So the only thing I can do is to pretend I believe in something to deceive myslef. Maybe do not have a real believe system is the source of all my fears and I don't know how to deal with it.