i have had suicidal and self-harm ideations/tendencies since i was 11. that was the age that i attempted both for the first time.
it is 5 years later now, and the thoughts have never stopped. i have continued to self-harm and attempt to end my life since then, and nobody in my life is aware. it has gotten so much worse recently, as my eldest brother passed away earlier this year. the damage it has caused me and my family cannot be explained with words.
since then, more things have happened. i have had family members in the hospital for all sorts of reasons, as well as my dog i have had ever since i was a kid passing away too.
i am just in so much pain and i am so, so tired.
i have also learnt that as of 4 hours ago that i was voted 'least liked' in my group of closest friends, by them. just typical teenager girl things right?
i have seen school counsellors throughout my highschool days, but none of them helped or cared about my problems because nothing had 'happened to me'. now that multiple things have, throughout the space of one year, i have tried to see a therapist outside of school so i could talk to someone about these thoughts that i have.
it was brought up with my parents, yet it seems to have been forgotten about. i don't want to bring it up again because they have suffered enough this year, and i don't want to add the burden of telling them that i have wished to have been dead for 5 years.
i have told my friends the amount of pain i have experienced and am still going through, but i really don't think they care.
the thing is, i know that if i ever end up seeing a therapist i will lie to them. i don't want to get into trouble for what i think and feel. i don't want to make my family worry.
i just don't want to be here anymore, more than ever.
i really don't know what to do. i am so young and i don't think it's fair. i am so angry.
