Depression

[Guest_57731469]

Hi look I was married for 20 plus yrs I've been divorced 14.alone not dated nothing started talking to a guy on social media.so after him finally being able to break my walls down his now saying he loves me and now I m questioning it I've been abused in one way or another my whole life this is hurting I still self harm and I don't feel it not only that but I don't want to be here anymore some days are bad I want to just not be around.helo me please.i don't know what to do.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that feels so torturous, while also prompting so many questions.

I think we can spend most of our life never questioning what love means to us until there's no choice but to question it. Having come to finally define it, so much can begin to make sense. As a 54yo gal, it was only a handful of years ago that I came to define what love means to me. The questioning and revelation came at a time of torment and great self doubt. Not sure if you can relate but I'll throw the idea out there, what I discovered for myself...

I believe love is found in evolution (in more ways than one). We can be loving someone by raising them to greater levels of consciousness and/or more fulfilling ways of living. We can raise them or lead them to evolve through and beyond stressful or depressing challenges and beliefs. We can lead someone to evolve to find the best elements of themself and the list goes on, when it comes to all the ways we can raise someone or lead them to evolve or come to life. Same can be said for our self. We can love or raise our self to greater levels of consciousness, more fulfilling ways of living, through and beyond what may be stressful or depressing and in ways that bring out the best in us, all while bringing our self to life bit by bit. Self love can be far from easy to develop and achieve, especially if no one's shown us how to love our self.

With this definition, you could say that the opposite can involve being brought down as opposed to being raised, being depressed by someone as opposed to being inspired by them, being served in one way or another as opposed to being starved (of affection, respect, attention, consideration etc). Based on past experience, it may be reasonable to ask 'Is this person going to raise me, inspire me, serve me, continue to love me in many ways and lead me to evolve or are they going to bring me down, depress me, starve me and lead me to feel a sense of going backwards?'. I think this is something we get a feel for over time and with experience (involving both good and bad experiences). I think it's also fair that we are free to question those who proclaim to love us. 'Why do you love me and how do you love me? What does love mean to you?' are reasonable questions, especially if we're someone who's experienced abuse, heartache or heartbreak in the past. While it may sound a little cold, it can't hurt to interview someone for the position of 'someone who will love us'. If they meet the criteria, only then will we open our heart again, even if it's just a little to begin with. In some cases, based on past hurt, it can come down to the ultimate question, 'What is this person's agenda?'. Are they in it to serve themself or the relationship we share with them?

Despite what anyone says, I have not found love to always be simple or unconditional. It can be complex and testing in some cases and it does tend to thrive under certain conditions. The quest to discover love, especially love for our self, can come with so many questions and there's nothing wrong with that. It's a part of the process of gradually raising/loving our self to greater levels of consciousness. Btw, if there's one thing this graduation process will do, it will dredge up a whole lot of stuff to become more conscious of. I feel so deeply for you as you experience so much pain in the process of raising yourself.❤️