Constantly in this negative train

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry to hear that your struggle has intensified lately. It sounds like its been difficult both at work and at home. Also sorry to hear that you didn't gain much from your doctor appointment today. Is there anything other than work that you enjoy or find distracting? Anything that requires even minimum effort. I know when I was severely depressed I would find relief by just going for a drive or a walk outside the house, even if only for half an hour. Just enough time to let my mind wander and think about something else. Perhaps listen to some music that you find comforting or used to enjoy? These simple things can be very useful to help us when we are in the midst of crisis. I hope you are also able to find some relief by coming and posting to these forums. 

It may take time, but eventually (even when I believed it never would) depression with the right help from your doctors and team  (whether it be DBT, medication, hospitalisation etc). Please keep hope alive and know there are always treatment options. Just take things one day at a time. 💙🙂

Bob

[PocketRocket88]

I love music, any kind of music but mostly acoustics and latest ones. I sort off getting the hang of going for a walk. I told you in the previous post, I started doing some artwork that you put jewels on. Those keeps me busy for a little bit or a short period of time… I try not to do it all the time but, I often find myself running to my mates place and hang there for awhile and that’s what I find most helpful coz I’m outside my house away from all things I can use to hurt myself and having someone aside from myself around helps me stop doing anything to hurt myself… but I often feel bad in doing this so often coz I feel like I shouldn’t put this on her too… but I just don’t know her else to turn to specially now where hospital isn’t helping me at all…

these urges and thoughts are overwhelming and confusing at most… one problem of mine is that I don’t tolerate distress and can’t regulate my emotion as well as identifying them which often leads me to frustrations and agitation that draws me near to these negative thoughts and urges… and every time I seem to be getting abit better this negative path seems to keeps coming up that gets me stuck in that crossroad that can last a second a minute an hour a day or even a week to even a month… which I’m currently on going to being stuck here for nearly a month now and still going… 😞 I just want the pain to end… also, started researching about this one over the counter medication and it’s effect if I take heaps of it… this is when I know that definitely my mental  health is in decline fast… thank god that there’s no place I can get this drug right now but later today will be a different story…

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

I've come to realise lately, with the help of some amazing people here, if I see what I face as a wall then what it comes down to is breakthrough after breakthrough. Constantly breaking through the wall or walls that continue to come up every day takes some serious skill.

First identifying the wall is a must. For you, it sounds like that wall might be that torturous tormenting internal dialogue. While some of the DBT strategies might offer breakthroughs on the odd occasion, sounds like it doesn't make any difference when the wall you're facing feels like it's double bricked. So, the question is 'What abilities/practices resemble a sledgehammer?'.

A simple hammer might look a little like 'Guided meditation', where you have to 100% focus on hearing acoustic music accompanied by words that can lead you to feel in new ways. We can't 100% focus on 2 things at once so, in this case, you're being constantly challenged to reign your full focus into what you're hearing and feeling in the meditation. It's more a 'chipping away at the wall' strategy. Btw, a dark mind set will constantly try to pull your attention away from what's going to eliminate it. A sledgehammer strategy might involve developing the ability to talk your way out of certain internal dialogue. I do realise this can be far far far from easy. It requires a seriously good imagination.

Imagine you have a variety of facets to you, such as 'the sensitive self' that's a real feeler, 'the victim' sense of self that feels helpless, 'the intolerant sense of self' that's easily angered etc etc. The question becomes 'Which aspect of myself do I need to seriously begin channeling more of, to deal with this dialogue?'.  Another strategy could involve the 'Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' strategy. In this case, you know which side the dark dialogue's coming from. The challenge becomes about tuning into the other side, learning to push the darker side into the background so that you can hear the lighter side better. Intensely challenging. As I say, these things take a good imagination to be able to work. Btw, I find they don't always work but they do some of the time. They're just something to add to the toolbox. The more that's added, the more resources there are to be able to manage a variety of circumstances.

[PocketRocket88]

What a wonderful insight you have... It honestly make some feel that there's something that will work and help me get out of this rut I'm in... That slither of hope sort of in a way gets me thru even just for the time being...

I just try to focus on the now and try and not wallow much on the past as it sort off overwhelms me with emotions and feelings that I don't quite understand... But sometimes it's hard not to do it as it's like a memory muscle that it just automatically goes there without me even trying... It's now the morning chemists are open and I'm having that urge to go get this medication that will truly hurt me or even end everything... I just don't know how long I can hold off onto going in the chemist... I'll try and do the DBT skills I learnt and hope it will alleviate this urge...

[PocketRocket88]

Today is probably the first for awhile now that I'm feelin' abit better .  The suicidal thoughts and urges are still there but it's not as troubling as it was this past week or two... I'm more focused on work and work seemed to be keeping my brain off from wallowing on the thoughts and urges.... I hope that its uphill from here and that I won't decline again...work is pretty quiet but I've got things to occupy my time..  the 48 hr hold at my trusted hospital last weekend is a contributing factor on me feeling good today... This proves my point with my local hospital that an admission or psych hold for a few days is beneficial for me to somewhat break the cycle.. I won't expect much as it may lead to disappointment that will lead me back to that negative headspace again... I'll try to be kind to myself and just take it by the minute...fingers crossed that I maintain this feeling for a long while even just until the end of this day....

[PocketRocket88]

Yup my inner demos is shouting in my head right now... Most part of my day at work went good but later turned into having a little argument with a colleague which made me feel frustrated and annoyed.. now I'm home alone, my inner demons has awaken and now nagging me to end everything right now... He's pretty strong and very persistent ATM .. I'm trying my bestest to not act on the urge and thoughts but it's a real challenge at this present moment... I'm now looking for things to distract my inner demon.. it's a real push to keep myself safe throughout the night...

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry it's been a while since I posted. I'm glad you were able to have some relief this morning and that you were able to focus at work. I hope the DBT skills came in handy and were able to stave you through your crisis yesterday. You should be kind to yourself as you mentioned and reward yourself for continuing to fight in what sounds like an incredibly hard time. I'm sorry that your day turned around after having an argument with your colleague. I know for me personally if I have a bad day I do my best to let my emotions flush out and try and figure out their cause (as opposed to rejecting or burying them which makes them last longer). Are there any DBT skills you can employ for tonight/tomorrow? I hope tomorrow you have a good start to the day again.

Bob

[PocketRocket88]

My inner demons has indeed lingered till I woke up this morning... It's shouting so loud that it's hard not to listen to it... I was hoping that this wouldn't happen but who are we kidding it's part of my daily life now and has been for many years... 

Yesterday I was  'accidentally' injured... I'm now thinking and wondering if it truly believe s an accident or was I intentionally did it subconsciously???

[PocketRocket88]

How does one stop one's self from acting on the urge in a place that was once your protective space? Coz being at work now is proving to be so challenging coz I'm around things that aren't safe for myself... The urge and thoughts are non stop ATM too many things comes up in my head on ways to relieve that so called pressure and demons in me... Maybe just one accident is fine right? This is now my way of thinking... 

I just want this to end... I don't know how long can I keep up with this... It's exhausting and really hard not to give in...

What do I do now? How do I keep my work a safe space for me even just for the rest of my shift? Do I call it a day now or should I continue nd pretend all is honky dory? Soo lost, confused and overwhelmed by these feelings that I don't seem to understand well ...

[Croix]

Dear PocketRocket88~

When somewhere you had come to accept as safe ceases to be effective that can be a very frightening thing as it seems one has one option less - or no options. In the past (not now as my recovery has improved) I used to be able to go to my office and close the door, that seemed to help. As time when on though thoughts started to percolate in and I felt it was no longer safe.

All I found I could do was walk a little way away to new surroundings, and preferably talk to someone about something inconsequential for a minute (I found pets were always a good topic).

It seemed to take the urgency out of the feelings.

Later on I rearranged couple of things (curtains and pot plant) in my office and it became a safe retreat again. Dunno if this helps.

As far as wondering if that injury was caused by your subconscious I would think - based on my experience, I knew what I was doing  and this may well just have been bad luck.

Croix