What do you say to a friend?

[Night_Blakey]

Hello, I'm new so please bear with me.

Recently a friend of mine attempted to end his own life. You see he has been down for a while, and we'd talked him into seeing a psychologist. Unfortunately he'd been too uncomfortable to talk to his psychologist about these issues and kept it hidden.

So we are going to go see him in hospital tomorrow and I don't really know what to say to him. I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience or advice to give.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Night Blakey,

Tricky.  You don't want to upset your friend by asking 1,000 times "Why did you do it ?  What about your family ?  What were you thinking ?".  So a bit of light banter and sports talk is a safe bet.

What a crap psychologist !    They are normally excellent in reading body language so your friend was doing no wrong to NOT mention his suicidal tendancy.  People hide stuff from counsellors all the time.   Had he known the psychologist for long ?   Maybe he didn't want to be judged and in the process couldn't ask for the support he needed.  But then, some psychiatrist or psychologist sessions I've had over the years I've just wanted to go home and do my self in. Cos a really bad and negative mindset can't be swayed with 30 mins chit chat or whatever.  And that makes things worse.  Unhelpful help or professional help can create blocks.

First off, get your friend something hot to eat.  A pizza, Chinese, sausage roll.  Anything that he can't get (?) at home or at the hospital.   These things are so easy to organise for a healthy, normal thinker, and so appreciated by a mentally ill sufferer.   I'm serious.   This kind of gesture is the best ice breaker of all.

I would suggest to your friend that his GP can advise of another psychologist.  If the psychologist wanted to empathise fully he or she would be visiting too.   Mine did.  He even stays in touch by email after we finished 8 years counselling.  And he doesn't even know who Tim Cahill is !  We used to share chocolate slice, etc.  I really think food is the best communication bridge if you are shaky.

Adios, David.

PS   You sound very considerate.  Tell your friend to talk to YOU next time.

[S_A_D_]

In psychology we are taught that 90% of communication is not about the words you're using. 60% is in body language, which comes from your attitude, personality and perspective. 30% is in your tone of voice. Of the remaining 10%, most is influenced by your vocabulary, and the topic of conversation.

How do we apply this? Go into the hospital with a plan. Plan to show him how grateful you are that he's still here. Remember, saying the words is only 10%. Physical, non-sexual contact is probably the best thing, and sitting close. Another good thing is smiling and laughing with him and making eye contact. If he doesn't see you smile it doesn't count. These are the things I need from people and don't get, like ever, and I'm not in hospital or recovering from a suicide attempt.

Choose what to talk about. Don't think about what your sure you shouldn't talk about, because that will be on your mind and all you can think of when trying to come up with topics of conversation. Bring conversational cues, like magazines on topics you know he likes. Food is great. If you know what he loves to eat, bring a good supply that will last him a few days to a week. Every time he has some he will think of you.

Bring something that will lift his spirits, like jokes, games, or even just a small ball he can throw around in his room. A man will do almost anything to keep his mind active. A locked ward is a lot like prison, so bringing him something that makes it feel a little less like hell is good. Whatever he feels an emotional attachment to, like jewellery, a smartphone, a special pair of underwear or socks, whatever.

[Robert_Raptor]

You don't need to say anything. Just having a friend to detract him from what he's going through for a little while might be what he needs.

Be the best friend you can and bear with him through this rough patch of his life and let him know that whatever happens he's still got mates who'll stick by him.

Hopefully by being friendly and open with him he'll eventually open up.

[geoff]

dear Night Blakey, all the comments from David Charles, Facetious and Robert are all great points for you to hopefully consider.

It's great that he has a great friend like you.

The point that is so important is as David Charles has said ' don't want to upset your friend by asking 1,000 times', boy how much do I agree with this.

It's like an auntie coming to see someone and asking all the questions in the world, it's off putting, you turn off and all you want is for her to disappear.

There is nothing worse and I myself just hated it, friends who are no more, siblings and anyone else asking every 'tom dick and harry' questions is just annoying, it makes you close up even further, or you just lie to them to get rid of them, that is you answer the way that would satisfy them, so they will leave you alone.

This is no good for him to be able to communicate.

Sometimes if you just go and sit beside him with a warm face and say nothing, just sit next him, this will make him feel accepted, and let him talk when he wants to.

If other people come in, say the auntie, and she starts to ask these questions, this is the time for you to tell her to go, that he's not ready to talk, and will do so in his own time. Please keep us involved as to how he is going. Geoff.

[vip]

Blakey I am a survivor of a suicide attempt. You just dont say anything to your friend. The best thing is to be there hold his hand and show that you care. Listen to what he tells you in time he will come around and speak to you more about it when he is ready. Time and patience support 3 most important things. God Bless both of you