Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

The Baudin's Black Cockatoos are very similar to the Carnaby's Black Cockatoos, but have a more elongated, pointier beak. And, yes, they do use nesting boxes. Someone I know was doing a study on the Carnaby's Cockatoos at one stage. On my visit to Melbourne this time I'm hoping to get out more into some nature places and I might see some Sulphur-crested Cockatoos there.

I'm really glad you got to sing your heart out at 4:30am! Yes, there are definitely some advantages to not having neighbours. I used to enjoy making those mixed cassette tapes too. You can do things like that now on a computer, make up your own playlists etc. It's just a different process. It would be possible to take songs from a CD and put the ones you want on a computer and then make a playlist from there, if you have a CD Drive. You could then play the songs through the computer or put them on a thumb drive and play them through another device. What most people do these days is make playlists from streaming platforms. I haven't done that and more tend to just choose to listen to individual songs at a time through things like YouTube or one of the music platforms. My car does not have the technology to play anything from a device (very old), but if it did I would probably make playlists for country drives.

I'm glad you found the surprise perfume 😀 It's nice unexpectedly finding things that fit what you were after. I am expecting to find some forgotten items when I go through more boxes. I had a nice cup of tea with one of my neighbours this afternoon. She is renting in this complex but interested in buying my place if I sell it. So it may be yet another incentive to get myself organised to move. She is a really good person actually and private sales can work if you are dealing with good people. You save on the extra costs of having an agent, advertising etc. We sold our mum's place that way. It's something to think about anyway.

I had a lovely walk today. It is finally Spring here 🌸 I went to the big granite rock area which is covered in moss gardens and many wildflowers emerging - purples, pinks, whites, yellows, oranges etc. I met a very cute baby Bobtail Lizard and a big, bright orange Monarch Butterfly. I lay on a bench in the sun for quite a bit with my hat over my face for sun protection. I have quite a bit of pain at the moment but I find the warmth of the sun really helps it.

I was wondering Paws if you ever got to see a psychologist as you were planning a few months back? I don't know if that would help give you some support. It would depend on the quality of the relationship with the psychologist of course. I just know how challenging it can be going through each day on your own at times and I can't help but feel protective of Pawsy 🐾 🤗 I guess I'm thinking it would be nice for you to have someone in your corner, so to speak. But finding the right person for you would be really important. I think the benefit for me is the co-regulation part which is having someone be attuned to my experiences and providing some connection and validation. I think the co-regulation is the most healing and helpful thing about it for me. I had to regain trust with my current psych after the EMDR thing and almost didn't go back, but it was good practice for me in communicating my feelings and clarifying my needs and she was kind and responsive. I understand too though if you've decided to not go down that path.

May you have a lovely beginning to the week 🌼🌿🦋🌟💖

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yes I have tried making play lists on my old laptop as that has a cd drive, but the speakers on it aren't great & the songs sound terrible.  When I made them on my computer at work they played well, that was probably because the speakers were separate & a decent size.  I could probably do something about it, like  buy separate speakers, but then I couldn't grumble about how it was better in the olden days 🤣🤣

How lovely having a mix of wild flowers appearing... with an added bonus of a butterfly.  I don't know if it is the same over your way, but there do seem to be far fewer butterflies each year that passes & the variety of them has also dropped off.  I haven't seen a monarch butterfly in years.  I did see a lot of the white cabbage butterflies in the late summer earlier this year, but spring butterflies have been missing in any quantity despite my having lots of spring flowering plants.  It was the same where I used to live with the numbers decreasing year by year.  The spring flowering hasn't started in force yet as there needs to be more warmer days to set it all going.    

Yes knowing the person who wants to buy your property can be a way of avoiding all the extra costs of going through an agent, but it can also be costly if you settle on too low an amount. You can always get quotes from some agents about expected sale price & their costs, nothing says you have to chose to go with any of them.  Anyway it's not something you need to think more about until you have a better idea about where you would like to move to.

I have been thinking about going to see the psych.  I am struggling & I know they can help when they are good.  It is the thought of having to start over from scratch with a stranger who may turn out to be like my last psych & make things worse not better.  I'm trying to convince myself to at least give her a try, she might be helpful.  Of course she might not have any space free to take on a new patient.  I sabotaged myself today by sleeping the day through despite going to bed early last night.  I had intended to ring my gp for an appointment today, but that didn't happen as I didn't wake up until after they would have closed.  The possibility of her asking about whether I'm seeing the psych may have had something to do with that.  It is silly of me I know.

Lass is the pain you are experiencing still from your fall or is it other things?  I'm glad laying in the sun is having some benefit for you.  Do you think another session of Bowens might help?  Yes I'm fussing... I'm allowed too 🙃

Enjoy your spring weather

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Oh, yes, it's so fun to grumble about how things were in the old days 🤣 "In my day...." 🤣 One thing I am grateful for though is the extent to which we played outdoors as kids and were active and not on devices. We were left to go off on our bikes on our own and explore. The world seemed less restricted in that sense. But I'm sure there's pros and cons to every era and benefits if you are a kid today too.

Yes, there do seem to be fewer butterflies. One very big difference between my childhood and adulthood is the difference in the number of dragonflies. They used to be abundant growing up around our house but were later almost never seen and remain a rare sight today. If they are seen I find it is usually near water. Our spring wildflowers are still gearing up too. I've been seeing the preliminary ones but I haven't seen much in terms of orchids yet. I did see some Vanilla Orchids the other day, but no Spider Orchids, Enamel Orchids, Sun Orchids etc yet, which usually appear at that granite rock location.

Yes, there would be pros and cons in selling privately. I know she wouldn't be fussy about the state it's in with the maintenance issues that have come up. Her place has more of them. Me being me, I'd also be open with her about what is not okay with the place (e.g. garage door not working, something the previous owners hid from me). It's important for me to get a good price though as my future is very vulnerable financially. I'm taking quite a risk spending the money to go to Melbourne, yet I feel I have to go there to investigate for sure if I'd like to move there. I know the real estate agent I'd ask here for an appraisal and that I'd get good, straight down the line advice from him.

I totally understand feeling vulnerable about seeing the psych. You definitely don't want anything that would be making you worse instead of better, and I think if you sensed anything like that it would be wise to move away from such a psych. I have had therapists leave me worse, the first one in particular causing incredible damage. However, the right person can really help. So I think it's a case of really listening in to your intuition if you do see someone. Remember you are the paying customer and 100% in control, so if it doesn't feel right you don't have to continue. But also if they seem generally good but some aspect is bothering you, it can be really good practice and helpful in the therapeutic relationship to speak up and let them know. If they are a good person and therapist they will be glad you spoke up and it can actually lead to meaningful forward progress. It's totally okay to shop around as well and even ring people to have a brief chat and get a sense of them, ask them about their approach etc. So if the current one you are referred to doesn't feel right, you can absolutely look elsewhere. It may depend on availability too, but there is also Telehealth which greatly increases your options, but it may be limited by your internet connection. Phone, rather than video consultation, is  another option some may do. But listen into yourself first and foremost Paws as to what you want to do and what feels right.

The pain is nerve pain. The worst of it is in my arms. The fall does seem to have really set it off. I will go back to the Bowen therapist next week as she really did help. I had yet another alter push through yesterday morning. It was very stressful in the afternoon. At times I think I'm also getting pain coming back from the past linked to where particular alters are trapped in time. So it's been very full on after a peaceful day on Sunday.

It's absolutely beautiful weather here today ☀️ I hope it's a lovely day for you.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh I would have loved to have been allowed to go off on a bike & explore as a child.  I well remember hearing & seeing other kids playing in the street or the park out the back of our houses & riding their bikes everywhere, while wishing I could join them.  We were permitted to play in our back yard, not the front yard & most definitely not out & about on the streets.  Being allowed to have a friend over or to go to a friends after school required written letters between their mother & mine as to times, how we would be brought home or picked up, so it could take a week or so to arrange.  Not surprisingly it was a rare event.  Besides only so much time was allowed for playing, from about 5 years old helping around the house & learning home keeping skills was considered a higher priority.  Many an hour on the weekend was spent listening to the other kids playing while I sat & practised hemming a piece of cloth or trying to darn something, knowing it had to be done right if I was to be allowed to go play in our yard.  In a way I suppose it was a blessing of sorts as it meant I could manage running the house when mum passed without it being a complete shemozzle.  

Well I've made the gp appointment, now to talk myself into making the psych appointment.  

Yes I think you are wise to make the trip to Melbourne at this point, despite the cost. This trip you will look at places with different eyes, knowing you are seriously considering moving.  There is a big difference between visiting a place on your travels & thinking to yourself this would be a nice place to live & actually visiting it with a serious intent & mind to see both the pros & cons of living there.  Plus moving home is a big step & knowing you are not simply jumping on a whim must help you to feel more comfortable with whatever you decide.

I'm glad you are going back for more Bowen therapy next week, I will keep everything crossed it helps.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I imagine not being able to go and play as other kids were would have affected you feeling safe going out into the world. It sounds like heavy responsibility was instilled in you from the age of 5. My mum expected me to take care of her from the age of 5 and came to me to get support and to take her frustrations out when angry, but I could go off and explore the neighbourhood from a fairly young age. I was taught I had to do chores, but I could go out into the world, to sleepovers at other kids houses etc. I almost felt unsupervised rather than overly supervised (e.g. my mother left me in the shopping centre age 3). This was really just my mother’s extreme dissociation and detachment from me. But it sounds like you had a strict directive to do things the right way according to your parents and were under a high level of control in that sense. I remember you mentioning they were older parents and I’m imagining bringing values from an older time. It’s like we are entrained early by the environment we are immersed in aren’t we. I feel like it is your time to play Paws and do whatever you want to do in life. I know it can be so hard to break the patterns, but maybe that is something you can work on with the psych if you see her. Even just imagining little Paws and taking her on adventures or just viewing each day as an adventure with fun opportunities. I guess you could think of it as raising the little you within you with the freedom you would like to have had. Right now I want to give little Pawsy a hug and take her for a bike ride or an adventure somewhere she would like 🚲🤗🌿🌼

In relation to seeing the GP and then making the appointment with the psych, don’t feel you have to make the appointment with the psych just because you are seeing the GP. Do the psych appointment because you want to, not because you are concerned the GP will ask you about it. If you saw the GP first, it’s perfectly fine to say you haven’t felt ready to see the psych yet, or whatever words are right for you. Remember you never have to conform to anyone else’s expectations (or what we think are other people’s expectations because often people aren’t even carrying the expectations we think). You can choose to do something entirely based on what you feel and want. Even me mentioning about the psych a couple of posts ago was only me thinking about ways you might have some support, but it’s definitely not me saying you should or have to do something. When I had a cup of tea with my neighbour the other day we were talking about how we are unlearning the word “should”. Like me, she had been trapped in the feeling of it being her responsibility to always help others with their problems and to constantly check if others are ok, so we are unlearning the pattern of constantly worrying about the welfare of others to the nth degree while ignoring ourselves. So I hereby release you from any notions that Pawsy “should” do anything. Pawsy is a free agent, an awesome lovely soul who can venture forth and do whatever her heart wishes 💖

I am looking forward to visiting Melbourne. There is some apprehension that has come up to, but I do know I can’t live long term where I am now as it is too isolating for me and I know I need to break out of that.

It’s going to be another beautiful day here. My bro is coming to visit for a few days today. I’m looking forward to that actually. There is healing happening and I can feel things moving in a more positive direction.

Lots of love and hugs to you Pawsy,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yay!! my internet is working!!  I've been keeping better hours these last few days, going to bed early & trying to get up at a reasonable time.  For some reason my internet hasn't been working during the hours I've been up & about for.  I'm up earlier today it is 6am here & look it works. 

I hope your brothers visit went well, or is going well if he is still at yours.  Having time with him without his other half could be beneficial to you both as neither of you deserve the negativity she brings into your relationship with each other.  

I saw my GP yesterday, now I have to go back to big town again today as the chemist was closed yesterday for the public holiday.  She didn't ask about the psych.  She did remind me I do however need to be good & go & get the blood tests she gave me a form for on my last visit.

Paws did learn to play a bit when she reached her twenties.  It was the first time I felt brave enough to even think I could ask for some time to do something just for me.  Thankfully my brother said he would care for dad while I was away each trip & my younger sister stepped up & helped too.  I couldn't have gone if it hadn't been for them.  It was lovely & a bit scary for those weeks away the first time, being able to do what I wanted pretty much when I wanted was such a big change to my normal day to day life.  

Ok I'm not tempting fate any longer by trying to write more it is now 6:30 & the internet will probably drop out soon if the last few days are anything to go by.

Big hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

From memory I think your internet is using the mobile phone tower network like mine? I hotspot from my phone to use my computer but I think you have a dongle from what I remember? It can certainly be less reliable than being on a fixed internet service like the NBN and I think in regional areas it can make it harder again. I manage to do Telehealth appointments but the person on the other end can sometimes be pixellated and freeze quite a bit during the session. I hope your internet has restored.

It was good to see my brother and have company. There are still things that come up that are challenging at times. We were brought up very differently in an environment that was characterised by a lot of tension and trauma. So we both carry the impact of that but in different ways. I'm not sure if certain bridges will ever be crossed and things fully healed with him, but again I'm practising radical acceptance of the way things are and knowing there may be some things that will never change.

I imagine it would be good to go and get the blood tests done. It's often just a useful guide for checking some core health measures. Do the tests require fasting? I'm imagining big town is the place to go to have them done and if fasting you may want to go in early so you can then have breakfast before too long. In my case, I don't do well with low blood sugar, so I like to get fasting tests done early. Maybe you could even treat yourself to a breakfast in big town as a reward for going in for the tests?

I'm so glad you got to do those trips in your 20s. I think it means even more when your day to day life has certain demands. Just having the freedom to choose your activities and explore is the most wonderful thing. I think too that when we are away from our home environment it's somehow easier to allow ourselves to let go more. I know when I am here, for example, I see and feel the weight of things that need doing. But when I'm away with just a suitcase there is a sense of freedom and adventure. It feels simpler and more possible to live in the moment, though I'm trying to extend that "in-the-moment" feeling back into my home environment because I know it helps in managing day to day.

I'm enjoying a cup of morning coffee. I woke with another hormonal migraine this morning and had a particularly bad one yesterday, so it's quite trying at the moment. But the meds this morning are kicking in somewhat. I can't wait for the hormonal rollercoaster to end! My simple goals for today are to go for a walk to a peaceful spot by the river and to get my large pile of dishes done. I hope it's a lovely day for you Paws. I'm glad you are finding it easier to follow the sleep patterns you would like. It's overcast and cool here today and it seems pretty mild in terms of the forecast for the next week. So it's definitely not heating up much here.

Big hugs 🤗

ER

[TrueSeeker]

Hello ER & Paws

I hope you're both doing ok. I've been busy lately but I still make sure that I read your posts.

Hugs to you both 🤗🌞

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, wave to Trueseeker,

Who ever invented the female reproductive system needs a stern talking too... actually it is so badly designed I'm sure it was drawn up by a committee 🙄🤣🙄 nothing else explains it.  Lass I do hope the meds did work at easing or even better getting rid of your migraine.  

I so hope that your brother wanting to visit & spend time with you is a sign that he thinks your relationship is worth the time & effort. That would be a good starting point for trying to find a way forward if that is what you want.  Some things may not be able to be healed, not everything can be.  Remember what is best for you is the important part in all this.  It is ok to try to build a new relationship with your brother, it is ok to keep your distance or decide to break off contact if you think things aren't right for you.  We don't choose our relatives, we don't have to like them or spend time with them.  Sometimes the best families aren't ones connected by blood, but ones we build with people we meet.  I do realise I'm not telling you anything you don't already know lass.  Sometimes though I think it can help to hear someone else say it.  My brothers both cut off contact with my elder sister, their choice & I accepted it. I decided to leave past issues in the past & find ways to avoid or work around things & to set boundaries when dealing with my older sister in order to have a relationship with her that worked for me.  I loved her as a sister, but I didn't always like her.  

I must have sensed you doing your large pile of dishes as I washed my large collection of cups & mugs today.  I have a bad habit of getting up from the couch to carry one to the sink, deciding to detour to do something & I end up putting the cup/mug down somewhere on the way & then when I've done whatever it was I was side tracked by, I walk away completely forgetting that I had a mug in the first place.  So every few days I spot one in a strange place (on the washing machine 🙈 ) which then has me going about the house on a mug hunt to add to the ones on the sink waiting for there to be enough to fill the sink for.

Tomorrow will be warm at first with promised thunderstorms in the evening, the rest of the week will be about 12 deg each day with hopefully the forecast showers.  It is nice to see the paddocks turning green & finally some water in the dams.  I know the farmers are hoping for more rain though, we are getting some but it hasn't yet been close to what is needed.  

My internet wasn't working for most of today, but at least it is working this evening. 

Enjoy your mild weather

Huggily hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Trueseeker,

It's lovely to hear from you Trueseeker. I hope things are going well in your world.

Paws, I do sense that my brother values his relationship with me and that he wants to maintain some connection. A couple of challenging things came up, but overall it was good to have company and he did help me with some things while here for which I'm very grateful.

I liked hearing about your errant mugs making an appearance in different parts of the house 🤣 I'm imagining a children's book about mischievous mugs getting up to hijinks by hiding from their owners and exploring the house on adventures (I have a weird tendency to animate inanimate objects).

Your days of 12 degrees sound cool. We did have some days around that temperature in recent weeks (with the apparent temperature much lower) but it's around the 18 degree mark here in recent days. I'm glad you are seeing the green in the paddocks. As it is now spring, it sounds like you really lacked rain for quite some time. We had terrible drought a couple of years ago, but this winter was quite wet here and it's been green for some time.

I've been sort of withdrawn. I had one new alter come through and then another. With each one traumatic material from the past has come with them, and the last one to appear had particularly distressing stuff going on. She is a very small toddler. So it's all a bit confronting and I've found I'm hugely fatigued and having to sleep a lot. My system is trying to process everything. What I am learning is that I'm experiencing a lot of blending with parts/alters. When this happens, I fully experience their emotions which can be really overwhelming. When there can be a separation, what is called unblending, it's a massive relief and then I can relate to and care for the part. But when blended with them it's very difficult. In my last session with my psychologist we successfully unblended myself from a part and it was really helpful. I have two others at the moment, the most recent ones, who keep blending with me. I read an account from someone else with DID who now provides educational info on it, and she described how it's like the part is clinging to you for dear life when blended. So it is quite a task separating them out but she had some helpful techniques which I sent to my psychologist who then used them in the previous session with me. I am seeing my psychologist again today so I might need help with that again. It is harder to do on my own though I've managed to a bit, but it's like having that external co-regulation with someone else first helps me then be able to separate out the part more easily and then I am able to co-regulate with the part. I'm gradually coming to understand this strange thing I'm going through.

I hope you are both having a good week this week. It's one of those sort of semi-cloudy days here where the sun peaks through but not completely. It's kind of atmospheric. May you have a lovely day 🌸🌿🤗

Hugs,

ER