Making wise decisions

[white knight]

Every day we make hundreds of decisions, many of which we make without thinking we have actually made a choice. This process can drain those that dont have a lot of mental endurance.

Some decisions are made out of obligation to other people, a spouse, family or club members. Such decisions are putting other people before ourselves which is honourable but I's argue that often these decisions are harmful, not due to intent but due to kind people ignoring their own limitations. Look around and you are likely to see examples around you.

I have a 73yo friend that has 12 vintage cars all in a state of disrepair, one is being restored. He joined the 'men's shed' and a few weeks later two members there passed away. So he now attends two days a week for 8 hours a day because "no one else can manage it but me". In another breath "but I know I'll never finish restoring my cars, even the one I'm doing now". My only comment "your dream was to restore at least one car to drive around on Sundays but you are putting a clubs needs over your own".

My friend realised he was being over generous when two club members arrived and over a cuppa both declared they were "bored at home with nothing to do". Furthermore

when my friend asked if they could open up the clubhouse doors and manage the shed (which would free him up a few more hours each day) they declined one saying "I dont want to get that involved" and the other "I'm not that bored".

We have friends staying with us. For 2 days we've driven them around, gone out for lunches and so on as they havent visited our new house in this new area before. Today my wife wanted to take them on a two hour drive visiting the beach etc. I declined. This is what prompted this post. Sometimes you have to regroup, remind yourself that burnout can occur easily and put yourself first.

It is ok to be first.

Do you have strategies that result in you being number one? Do you have difficulty placing your needs above others needs?

TonyWK

[Petal22]

People pleasing really is very draining to the person who is doing the pleasing.

Some times people are unaware of how much of a people pleaser they are. They are unconscious of the way they do things they are just in automatic.

Once we become aware of our pleasing we can then choose to change our behaviour so that we become less drained and actually decide if we want to do something or not.

Its so amazing once you become aware of this it can create a total shift in ourselves and our lives can become so much more happier because we are putting ourselves first.

Great thread Tony 😊 thanks hopefully more can become aware.

[white knight]

Thankyou Petal

Do you think those with MI are more likely to be people pleasers? And therefore they are more prone to be hurt, taken advantage of?

TonyWK

[blondguy]

Hi TonyWK and thankyou for another healing thread topic

You mentioned 'remind yourself that burnout can occur easily and put yourself first' This is very helpful to me as I dont place myself first as much as I should and after 40 years of lived experience I should know better

Your reminder is appreciated as I keep over extending myself...thus exacerbating my own anxiety symptoms

Nice1

Paul

[geoff]

Hello Tony, a very good comment and unfortunately it can happen without us even realising and then it's too late.

Many times I've been caught up with this, especially when it was suggested we do something when we had visitors kids and all, such as a scentic place that has history in it, and everytime they came, this place was mentioned, so time after time off we'd go for an hour's trip there and back, let alone the time and BBQ we spend there, it's was the whole day gone.

So when many decisions were made against your will can cause problems if it continually happens.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[CMF]

Hi Tony & all reading,

As always, another great thread. I want to focus on 'people pleasing ' & look at it from another angle.

My partner is a people pleaser. He wants to be liked by everyone & he admits it. It doesn't affect him, it makes him happy...but it affects me. It affects me cos there have been times when I've felt overlooked or my thoughts disregarded as he has to be somewhere for someone else or defends someone else over me.

I find his need to people please annoying & so insecure.

Cmf

[Petal22]

Hi Tony,

I can’t really say if people with mental illness are people pleasers…… I guess everyone is different.

If we put our energy into pleasing people then that’s were it goes………… sometimes our energies can be put into better places in our life’s……

It’s always our “ choice “….

It’s ok to put ourselves first.

😊

[white knight]

Thanks all

Geoff that's how I feel, that refusal to join others in excursions is a act of preservation.

Petal- yes ok to put ourselves first, I should write it down 50 times!

CMF, oh yes, I've known some people that people please others faster that their spouses. Might have something to do with the phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" or more accurately "familiarity widens the comfort zone of some" . Perhaps both are somewhat too harsh but you know what I'm eluding to.

Blondeguy- our own worst enemy be own complacency

TonyWK