Carrying another person's pain

[Moonstruck]

Dear friends.....I didn't know which thread to post this on....hoping this one will do...

I read some blogs on Tiny Buddha website to help me with having "too much"empathy...i.e. just now (it has happened before with me) a close family member is going through a very bad time, seemingly unsolvable problems, and is very very low. They have been suffering emotionally and mentally for a long time now without confiding in anyone. Since knowing how bad their situation is, I think of it constantly, feeling the urge to "fix it" for them, just let me take over, make things right.

It is more than "worrying" about them although of course I do worry terribly. I sort of "know" how they feel and I feel it too. It's a heavy burden even though I dearly love this person and would do anything for them......am I "carrying around their pain"? I think I am. I cry easily when I dwell too much on it...not for myself...I am OK...but for another's pain. it's almost like grieving, a deep despair that I cannot help them.

I foresee more pain for them unless "I" can fix this for them. I am hurting and in pain, even though I realise it is someone else's pain that I am sort of "carrying for them". Any advice how I can put this down? Should I put this down? How do I stop dwelling on another's pain....I love this person and would do anything for them to "make them happy". I think of what they are going through practically 100% of the time.

any thoughts from you would be greatly appreciated...........love...Moon S

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

I hope you found your session helpful, a first step & a chance to feel supported in rl.

Of course you're exhausted lass, it's brought on by the stress & worry you have been experiencing. Add in a disrupted sleep pattern & not eating properly & it's not surprising you're feeling groggy/shaky.

I'm going to put my mother hen hat on lass & worry about the physical you. Are you feeling able to cook? Would you think about trying those pre-prepared meals from the supermarket if you're not up to cooking? Are you still lacking an appetite? Perhaps if you try the "meal substitute" drinks from the chemist, just to help you keep up with the nutrients your body needs. I think you can get them chocolate flavoured, which might make them a bit more tempting.

You have mentioned before about worrying if having a lie down in the day was "being lazy". Lass it's called an afternoon siesta & it's a way of life in many countries as a way to recharge one's batteries, so you need not feel odd for having one. I don't know if it would be the same for you, but I find unlike going to bed at night where my thoughts go round & round, in the afternoon I just drop off.

Remember, I & your friends here on bb are here for you.

Hugs

Paws

[Moonstruck]

Evening Paws...thanks for supporting me. I am glad I went to talk to someone today. She knows me, I've been to her quite a few times before so felt at ease...it was good just to vent and get it all out. she thinks I am taking the right path with what I am doing...(which isn't much as it's someone else's journey they have to go on) re what I say, how I listen, reassure them anything they decide is OK with me, how they are not alone in this, have my love...and all of that which I've already told them and will keep telling them whenever they need to hear.

she agreed straight away that I was right in suspecting I was hit like an avalanche with a PTSD -like experience....as I had been in a similar situation many years ago . I thought it was all over...it IS all over...and yet listening to my loved one, feeling such empathy....suddenly it all hit me it was like it was happening to ME...all over again. The memory was crystal clear...I was in pain and despair myself as if it was happening again..

I know what PTSD is of course...but have never had first hand experience of it. Suddenly it was decades ago and the problem was happening to ME...all over again.

re my eating..I will be OK. I had a semi prepared shop meal in the cupboard which I made up tonight (even though not hungry, I knew I had to have something)...and I promise I will stop feeling lazy or guilty when I just rest. I think I did the right thing in making that appointment...I should do it more regularly rather than struggling on alone, or putting on my social, coping, in control, facade for the world.

thank you again for caring and especially the hugs.....

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

I'm so pleased for you that you found the session helpful in understanding your response to what has been happening. I was diagnosed with PTSD some years ago so I do understand how events happening now (even to someone else) can make the emotions/fears/distress of our past events re appear & overwhelm us.

I think you are right that having regular sessions would be of benefit to you as you will need support through this as you support your loved one. Knowing why you are feeling as you do is one thing, but you also need to learn useful techniques to help you manage what you are dealing with. Even if you feel like you are coping, do keep going to see her, as having a safe place "to vent and get it all out" is like having a release valve to let things out before they blow.

I'm still sitting with you in spirit lass

Huggliest of hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

I'm going to start with some big gentle bear hugs for you.

How are you lass? I'm hoping your not being on here means you're not in such as dark a place as you were a week ago, even a very small easing of the darkness would be good to hear. Have you made a follow-up appointment with your Psych? Remember you don't have to face things without support in rl.

Here is my paw for you to hold if you need it at any time.

Be gentle with yourself

Paws

[Moonstruck]

PawPrints my friend..thank you for caring about me. I confess I haven't made the follow up appt yet..but agree it's a good idea. I have to have someone to talk to. I have friends but I don't let them see the pain I am in...so of course I can't expect anything from them.

The Ptsd-like symptoms have run their course I think...at the risk of sounding selfish I realise I have to put myself first just now despite my family member's problems as there is nothing tangible I can do to help him.

I will be here for him to call on 24/7 with love and support. If I begin doing nice things for myself will that help me get through this do you think?

Your hugs mean a lot..no one else can see how much I need one...thanks...🥀

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

You've taken a big step forward lass if you can accept that it's ok to put yourself first.

I do think doing nice things for yourself will help. It doesn't have to be big things to begin with. Eating healthy, yummy food.... start trying to rebuild regular sleep patterns.... getting exercise outdoors in nature.... the basic things that help us find some energy to focus on things we enjoy. Watch something you like on TV... read a book... do some craft... potter in the garden.... meet friends for coffee... whatever gives you pleasure.

One important thing I think you should do for you is make another appointment. You need support in rl lass.

Here's some more hugs for you.

Paws

[Guest_9043]

Hi There Moon.

This may be an odd suggestion,hear me out though and see how it sits with you for a few days.

Never underestimate the gift of writing. When was the last time this person received a letter in the mail,when is the last time you wrote a letter to someone?

The thing I love most about writing is it is uncensored. You can rip it up many times and start again. You can get super creative. How about writing a story/creating a story of hope. That is one thing some people lose is hope. Create some hope, get creative with what you write. Play with ideas, play with your imagination.

This removes the great responsibility you feel in rescuing or saving your loved one. You put the power in there hands to save themselves by what you write. Ultimately we can never really save anyone. It's a big ask don't you think?

By the way, I am an empath myself. I have had similar go on in my life. It nearly killed me and it has caused some damage. It is a gift that we need to learn how to use properly. There is only one way to do that and that is experience, listening to it and trying something that also works for us. We are not here to save the world.

I hope this helps.

Take care.

2quik.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

Just popping in to send you some gentle hugs & let you know I'm still sitting with you

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

How are you lass? I hope you are doing nice things for you.

Please don't feel you have to reply. I'll still here for you if you need someone to talk with.

Sending hugs

Paws

[Moonstruck]

Thank you for caring about me Paw Prints....

like everyone else, this nationwide..or global spreading of "fear" is having a very negative effect on my mental health and emotions. The media and TV drenches and bombards us with bad news, dire predictions, warnings of much worse things to come.....which is the most unhelpful and dangerous stuff anyone with anxiety or depression can bear to hear...and still the fear is pounded into us.....

Health wise I am fine, so are my loved ones.....the spread of "fear" is much more harmful to me and I suspect many others.........hoping you are OK too at this time Paw Prints......hugs back to you..(bugger the 1.5 metre rule...)