Questioning my sexuality

[IAMTHEONE]

Apparently I made an account on here back way back in 2014, haven't gone by this name in ages. 😛 I'm not really sure who to talk to about this so I thought I'd try here, I won't go into too much detail about certain things here since it may not be entirely *ahem* appropriate so I'll do my best to keep it clean.

Anyway, I'll just give a quick backstory. I came out as Transgender quite a few years back and have gone through HRT and all that, after a while I sort of came to the conclusion that I'm not actually Transgender but rather probably just a really effeminate guy, and I'm actually rather content with that. As far as relationships go, I've never been in one mostly because I never really put in the time to find someone apart from a few crushes I had way back when I was a teen. in recent years I kind of just never bothered with it and thought that a relationship wasn't important to me or that I may possibly be Asexual.

So, for the past month I've had a few strange things happen to me that has made me question question whether my sexuality is what I always thought it was. I always assumed I was straight since I did find women attractive, but I never had any real deep sexual attraction towards women, I just though it was just how I was. It all started when I began having intense dreams and fantasies about men, I thought if I were going to have anything like that it would be with a woman. Along with a few other things I found myself being leaning towards men than women, which is confusing me to no end.

I'm not sure if its anything, I've been like this for a while but its only been the last month I've started to think about it seriously. It might be a phase, or maybe I'm just thinking to much. Well, thanks for getting to the end of this wall of text, if anyone has any thoughts or something it would be greatly appreciated since I'm not havening much luck figuring it out myself.

[therising]

Hi IAMTHEONE

I'm so glad you've given yourself the gift of wondering as to who you naturally are. To deny yourself the gift of wonder can be depressing in some ways. Also glad you're seeking people who can encourage you to a sense of a liberating type wonder.

I've found questioning to be one of the most important parts of any quest. To cease questioning our way to greater understanding is the equivalent of standing still. I hope the group you're coming to meet offers you some brilliance. There's nothing quite like bright people to lead the way.

You sound truly blessed to have such supportive parents. Sorry to hear they are feeling stuck in some deep challenges. Perhaps you will be able to feel when the time is right when it comes to speaking with them. They are also blessed, to have such a thoughtful considerate compassionate child.

🙂

[IAMTHEONE]

Well, its been a while but I've had a long time to think on this.
I don't feel confident to call it yet but I am starting to feel strongly that I am gay after all, or at least heavily leaning towards it. Like I said in an earlier post, this doesn't really bother me as I just want to know since I always kinda dodged the subject up until now.

I've be trying to figure out why I always found the subject of sexuality (or just sex in general) to uncomfortable. I was bullied heavily in school which did involve being called all sorts of derogatory gay names even though I never announced that I was. A part of me is thinking that this had something to do with it, but I also wonder if me also being transgender has something to do with it, I'm just speculating at this point.

The thought of being in a relationship with a guy does feel more fulfilling than with a woman, and for the first time in my life I actually feel lonely and like I want to find somebody to be with. It is oddly nice to feel this way finally for the first time, the issue I have now though is that I have no idea what to do about it. I'm not exactly experienced in this area so I'm kinda at a loss at what to do.

Anyway, thought I would just give an update, and as usual, any comments are greatly appreciated.

[Guest9337]

Evening IAMTHEONE, welcome back to your thread here on bb, lets party hard! lol.

Indeed, what exactly are ones options for building a relationship with a person?

Some people look for potential's who they are physically attracted to, desiring physical intimacy.

Some people look for a rational reason, like dependability or loyalty, or existing friendships to grow into new directions.

Some just get lucky enough to fluke meeting a compatible partner because they met at a party. A billion billion different ways two people might start a partnership.

Some actively pursue on tinder/facebook/etc or other dating apps, some just go to the local pub every friday night. 

Anyways, I like your profile picture and that you are a long time bb forummer that hasn't actually posted much, 7 posts since 2014! You keep lurking around mate.

dng.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you have made a decision you are comfortable with, which will allow you to be your authentic self. Can I ask how you are feeling having made this decision?

[IAMTHEONE]

I totally forgot i had this account since i made that one post in 2014, was quite convenient to come to these forums and discover i had an account already made. Also thank you for liking my profile picture, i made it myself 😄

I don't know whether I've fully figured it all out yet, a part of me is still kinda doubtful. It doesn't help that I'm quite an indecisive person.
Having said that though, i am excited about discovering new things about myself that i probably repressed long ago.
However, like i said, i don't really know how to go about it. Going out and meeting new people has always been a little hard for me, doubly so thanks to the pandemic.

I think i still have a long way to go yet, and I'm not sure when I'll truly know when I've gotten there.

[Guest9337]

I suggest... when one "still has a long way to go" one breaks down the journey into stages. What is the first stage of the journey and where does it end or continue to?

dng.

[IAMTHEONE]

Honestly, i got no idea, this is all new for me and I'm still kinda working it out.
But, i do think my next step should be to find more people to connect with, like meetups and events. But like i said, given our current situation, that's quite difficult. I suppose at least for now, i might have to wait until this whole pandemic blows over before i can really do anything about it. There's always online but i prefer face to face contact personally.

[smallwolf]

Things are definitely more difficult at the moment, depending on where you live.

There are lock downs where I live so any interactions are online. And there are pros and cons with this. It is true you cannot see people face to face. On the flip side you can do google searches for the information you are after.

There will be a time when people will be able to meet and talk face to face... just not at the moment.

[IAMTHEONE]

Hey all

Thought I'd just do another update since things have happened.

I finally came to somewhat of a resolution on my sexuality, I've kinda just excepted that I am gay after all. Being that I was bullied so much in school about my sexuality, I think I started identifying as straight just to make myself feel better, which I guess turned out not to be true. Another thing that was an obstacle for me was trying to figure out what being gay "entailed", this is hard to explain but what I mean is that I don't fit in with the gay "community" as its mostly presented in media or by mainstream internet sources. By this I mean I'm not a masculine man and nor am I necessarily attracted to masculine men, I'm also not just in it for sex, although I'm not opposed to that by any means, I just mean that if I was gonna start anything serious, I would like some sort of emotional connection.

Another obstacle I had was my own self doubt which for me is quite common, once I finally got over that, acceptance came easy. In any case, I've finally figured out that I am attracted to mostly men....about 95% which kinda means I still find women still sort of attractive which I guess makes me bi but given how much a lean towards men, I would just class myself as gay at this point.

Lastly, I started telling others about it which has been quite liberating almost, its nice to finally stop keeping this in and start letting my true self out, I've found myself actually feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. I've told my best friend who I knew wouldn't have an issue...... because he has a boyfriend. I also told my auntie who also didn't have an issue, next I'm gonna tell my parents, I know my parents well enough to know they would never say or do anything to harm me or anything like that. I'm more worried about how it will affect them emotionally, but, if they know that this whole thing has been good for me, they may just be happy that I'm finally getting this all out.

That's my next obstacle, after that, I guess I can start focusing on meeting people. I'm not looking at getting a relationship as soon as possible or anything, its just since I've started this whole journey, I've had the urge to explore this new aspect of myself.

Thanks for getting to the end of my movie length post, its just nice to finally spill my guts all over the place 😛

[therising]

Hi IAMTHEONE

I'm so happy and incredibly excited for you. Nothing compares to coming to meet with your natural self. It can be such an incredibly long journey, getting there, with so many twists and turns. It can be a wonderful journey, packed with so much wonder and questioning and it can definitely be a painful journey of letting go of so much, even leading to some forms of grief at times as we say goodbye to who we thought we were. Staying true to yourself is also a part of the journey, maintaining who you naturally are.

Wishing you only the best when it comes to speaking with your parents. I'm hoping they already have some sense of who you naturally are, so that it makes things easier for you on the path ahead.

Enjoy coming to know yourself even more.

🙂