My partner died by suicide

[JoJo13]

Hi im new. Ill try and make this quick. I moved to Australia 7 yrs ago from uk. I have 2 boys 5 and 8 years. March 2011 I left my Husband and in the May I met my soul Mate Lee, she was female. In January this year (2013) she committed suicide. She had an extremely troubled past. I am devastated. So I'm going through a divorce with my not so understanding ex husband trying to sort finances. My career as a possible Police officer has gone out of the window, my mother wont talk to me as i am disgusting for being with a female, I have no family other than my boys. I've met a new girl and she is lovely but its all very full on for me. She is moving states to be with me and adores me totally and its kinda freaking me out. She says im her soul mate, she loves me, we have only spent about 10 days together in a 2 month period. Ok so maybe im being harsh because I know i fell in love with Lee straight away.  I don't know if i feel the same... I think its just too soon. But im not sure. I'm worried about having to look after somebody else's emotional well being. And invading my space and getting close to my boys. My boys loved my ex partner but she became violent towards the end and my boys were worried. I want to get back into work or study but don't know what to do, counselling and Healing has crossed my mind and ive made enquiries and completed a short course. But im a single parent on centrelink benefits, money is tight and I cant seem to think further than tomorrow, let along commit to study for the next 2 years. I feel I just cant be bothered... with work, relationships, talking. Negativity from people annoys me, and i lack patience with my boys. Yes I have a few friends who have been there for me but they all have their own lives. I still get to the gym and smash out 2 hr classes, it seems to be the only thing that lifts me. I try not to drink during the week but did tonight and fell asleep with the boys at 9.30. My ex partner's son is 23 and in remand centre and had put me on the visiting sheet as his mother. He takes drugs and ive refused to offer him a home because of my 2 young boys. He has nobody, I know he not my responsibility but his mother is dead, no father etc. Im seeing him next week and I know he will ask me for money. I just want to shut down, and that's unlike me, I keep pushing through, trying to stay positive but it feels the world around me is so negative and selfish. I started meditating, but i cant even be bothered to do that anymore. I seem to sit on facebook or want to sleep or clean and sort. ??? Any advice, chat appreciated. 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear JoJo,

How long is he in remand for ?  It's good of you to be there for all 3 boys.  Maybe you need a bit more stability than you've had for a long time.   When I read the post I was thinking "All or Nothing".  And losing someone close to you in Jan is such a short time ago.  Especially someone intimate.  No wonder you "want to shut down".  LIke you are taking the suicide on board forever.  Difficult to move on.

There are similar jobs to the Police - even aspiring Ambulance workers sometimes don't make the grade and end up becoming Patient Transport Officers.  Still driving patients around just less critical health situations.   I wouldn't give up on these wishes and your mum's prejudice could act as a catalyst to doing good for yourself and succeeding in spite of everything.  You sound pretty strong to me.   You've already given your mum 2 grandchildren.  What more does she want ?

This might come out really lame but it's actually a good friend you need.   Do a few more responses on BB to get your confidence back and then dive into the real world.    You must get social opportunities if you're spending 2 hrs at the gym.  Seems like you're looking after your body but not your emotional intelligence.   You're restless but maybe the restlessness in the past has caused you to lose your or be in steady relationships.  Do you think your lack of patience with your boys is even a touch of mania creeeping in or just old fashioned anxiety ?

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Jo, it sounds as though it's all full on, and it's all too much at the moment.

When you meet someone at first, and I'm talking about same sex or heterosexual, it doesn't matter how much you love them, but if they have had a terrible past you will be drawn into their concerns, and you will  try and help them, but then your own problems are pushed aside, and they do build up, not being able to be released, until one day it all explodes.

Everybody has problems, but it's us the depressed who can't cope with them, nor can we cope with others who seem to use us as a battering ram, but we aren't mentally capable for this.

I don't believe that you are ready for this new girlfriend, and to now 'look after somebody else's emotional well being', isn't what you you need right now. So basically I agree with you, but you will have to stall her from coming over to probably live with you, and however the way you do it will create annoyance by her, but it will get you off the hook.

So you have to tell her that there is too much for you to cope with at the moment, like the divorce and getting what is due to you, then your sons are really upset at the moment, so you want to spend time with them, plus you have your studies to deal with, so therefore I want to be by myself for awhile. I'm sorry but maybe we can pick up some time later.

You are putting so much pressure on yourself by seeing this 23 yr old chap, who is a drug addict, he only wants to see you because he certainly wants money to buy drugs, you are nothing more than a cash cow for him, emotionally you may not even register with him, and if you give him money now, then wait until he's released, he will be at your door stop everyday.

I think it would be wise to avoid him in every aspect now, and I wouldn't go to jail at all. He will only lie to you in everyway possible, telling you so many things that never eventuate or have never happened.

Close the monoply board so that you don't have to go to jail.

I would consider having the 10 free appointments with a psychologist, and I personally mention them rather than psychiatrist's, only because they are much more relaxed and personal, so this makes you feel more at ease. I have had both and psychologists take my pick.

There has been a lot of unfortunate events that have happened, so take a deep breathe and try to get on with YOUR life, this is the most important criteria of all. L Geoff. x