I Feel like I'm Fake

[LittleMissAlice]

Hello there!

This is my first time doing this... Um, I guess I'll just start?

Hellooooooo, my name is Marie, I've been transgender for a while now (maybe 2 years? I don't know) but recently I've been feeling very Down In The Dumps about it all.

I think it just randomly kicked in that, while I'm female in my head, I'll never, ever be able to be fully, biologically female, which is a bit depressing, obviously.

I've just been feeling like I'll always be fake, no matter what I do. That I'll never have the right experiences, the right body, the right anything to be, I don't know, correct.

Theres also the realisation that it's done. There's no second chances or second lives or anything, I had one shot, and this one stupid little chromosome screwed it up. I'll never have that chance again, which is also incredibly depressing

So yeah

Im just feeling like I'll always be fake and I'm not really sure how to deal with those emotions, and I usually operate better when someone else tells me how to do stuff lol

Thanks, probably?

- Marie xo

[Quercus]

Hi Marie,

Thank you for being so understanding. I knew I felt ashamed of my choice but never truly understood how much it affected me until I read your reply and was shown understanding. I'm teary.

Telling your parents is a huge step and shows strength. If you decide to do so you know everyone here is here for you to lean on.

If it's ok can I share an experience? It's a bit different to your journey but has the same fears and needs. Being honest with people you love about yourself and being afraid of rejection.

Part of my journey has been speaking openly to my family about my depression and what I need to do for myself to protect myself from becoming suicidal again.

My family dislike conflict and I've always been the people pleaser. Mediator even. This new me causes major conflict. I feel like I've exposed my true self and been rejected. It hurts like absolute hell. Being angry and isolating myself hurts too but less than going back to pretending just to earn affection.I

If I had my time again I wouldn't change a thing. Ok so I've hurt my family and myself but it's helped me see who truly loves me. Friends I have made and who have stuck by me are genuine.

It is liberating knowing those I give my energy to value me in return. And above all it feels freeing to be allowed to be myself. It's not always happy or positive but at least I know where I stand.

Happy pampering Marie!

[LittleMissAlice]

Oh, wow, I hadn't even thought about why you'd be here (very insensitive, sorry), but your story made me realise (again) why it's so important that there are places like this around, because if being rejected and isolated feels so horrible, there's always someone who'll understand.

And it's so nice to see that you're helping others, like you said, with that energy. Again, very new to this, so I have no idea what the whole"Community Champion" thing means, I thought ther were just people who ran around the website helping, but it's great that you've been able to come here for help, and help others in return

This got very deep very fast, this probably sounds very cheesy and unenlightened coming from a hapless teen

Marie xo

[Aaronsis]

Hey Marie

Can I say that I didn't realize that you were 16 until I read it on one of your posts supporting someone else. You write and articulate yourself so very well and have so much insight, I am so very overwhelmed at the amount of young adults that I personally chat to here and how they are so much wiser they are than me an my peers were at this age, and have so much emotional intelligence, it is so wonderful. If this is a snap shot of our future then we are in good shape.

Community champions do not run the site, we simply share our experiences, support and ensure that people are heard and supported. Together we run this site and you too Marie are contributing too, sharing and supporting others. Can you imagine how powerful it is for other 16 year old boys and girls who are in the very same boat you are, who are reading this and thinking "wow...I am not alone, there are other people going through this too"...together we reach out and support each other.

Things do tend to get deep fast and that is the joy of being anonymous that you can get to the root of your concerns and talk without being judged, criticized or known, that you can get some support which makes for a brighter tomorrow.

Can I ask a question? After being here today, do you still feel like a fake?

Hugs to you

Sarah xxxx

[LittleMissAlice]

It feels so good to hear you say that about me, it's probably not what you were going for but I'm an aspiring writer, so to hear that I'm ✨articulate✨ is really nice

Thank you for the insight on the champion thing, I was just kind of randomly skipping around, replying to things, and I thought, "wait, do I actually have the right to do this?" So that helps, I've never been much of a talker but inputting my random opinions on things I probably shouldn't have been involved in gives me a nice feeling, which is new... 🤔

And after today, and this conversation (again, incredibly helpful, thank you both), plus some reading of some other threads on similar issues... I feel a lot better about everything, I longer feel as if I'm fake. I know I'm just as female as "regular" women, and I think I always knew that. I probably just needed someone to tell me that or something? I still feel a bit sad that just because my body doesn't match my mind, everything will always be so much more different, but overall I'm feeling a lot better. Thanks so much!

Marie xo

[Aaronsis]

Well I think you are going to make a brilliant writer, you seem so much older than your years and that is a credit to you...imagine one day you perhaps will write your own story, and the pages of your life have not even been written yet..how exciting!

Please feel free to add whatever you feel can support another human on this page, that is the whole reason that it is here, for others to support, even if you have not had the exact experience but to understand that they need some support and comfort at a time in their life. As you can see today, we all started here in your shoes, reaching out for support and now we are on the other side, reaching back to those who need it.

I am so very proud of you and how much soul searching that you have done today and how much love you can give yourself, you deserve it, and you deserve to be happy and whatever that looks like for you, you embrace it and you own it, if others don't like it...well...boo hoo...

I am so very glad you are feeling better and hope to chat to you some more, we are here whenever for whatever.

Your friend

Sarah

[LittleMissAlice]

I do feel so much better, and it's all thanks to you. I'm so glad I could come here for a random pick-me-up, Farewell and thank you so much!

Marie xo

[Aaronsis]

..not farewell..just bye for now..I am sure we will see you reaching out to others, but if not that is fine too.

Have the most amazing life as you deserve it.

Hugs and kisses

Sarah xx

[Jo8049]

Thank you Sarah , the last paragraph in this post is a very very important message . Thanks again for intuitive and loving posts .

Lol & hugs Jo W

[Jo8049]

Hi Jo here again , I should clarify which post I am talking about Sarah . The one almost half way through the thread and you mention the deadname , then the little boy who is still there . I have been trying to recognise this in me but could not picture what it was and there it was . Light bulb moment for me . Thanks and hugs , I love this place .

Jo W love to all

[Aaronsis]

Hey Jo8049

It is lovely to chat with you and I hope to do that some more. I am so beyond thrilled that you have felt supported here, have felt heard and that you have also been able to relate and learn some things about you too.

I am looking forward to hearing some more about you if you feel you wan to share.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah