Dear Ani~
I'd like to welcome you back, you have made several threads and please forgive me if I don't pick up on everything you have said.
First of I'm afraid I need to talk to you about the results in your life, which is heavy stuff. Self-harm and thoughts of suicide getting stronger. They are not you fault but the result of a very long time simply being told what to do and not having you own wishes taken into account. They can suddenly get worse -on reason they are dangerous (I had this happen to me)
Those are few. Having difficulties concentrating and making you self understood is another -and is most important as it can change the way you are treated, talked with and taught..
I can't list everything here in one short message, however not liking music and being made to do it as if it was some sort of passport to a better adult life. Coming into your bedroom wihtout knocking when it is your private space, in fact probably your only one. Wanting you to wear dresses against your preferences.
These are part of your identity and are being ignored.
You failed an exam, and did dangerous things, and you did so as life was so hard, with no means to improve it. You worried, even when you told nobody, that you were "attention seeking".
There are two basic sorts of attention seeking - those by people are vain and want others to "look at me because I"m gorgeous", and there is the one where attention seeking means you really do need attention - which is the sort you have.
You mentioned giving up on waiting for a counselor, I would to after so long. A counselor is supposed to take other peoples feelings into account,and even a message saying they had been delayed would have shown some care.
I could go on but I won''t want you to be overwhelmed by it all. Instead I want to give you some hope.
You can get into a doctor for an 'extended consultation' without a medicare card and keep it private - unless the doctor believes you are just about to do serious harm to yourself or some other - no sensible doctor is going to press the panic button unless things really are the last option.
Please tell the truth, even if embarrassing or frightening. You can't be made better unless the facts are known - it's that simple. If you think you will muddle it up,, forget important thing or chicken out about something (like I did) so write it down - maybe in point form - on the day before and hand over the paper - doctors like this as it gives a more complete orderly view.
One other thing which can be a source of comfort, good advise and counceling is the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800). Please ring them even though htere is a fair wait, the web-chat is to short.
No, I've not covered everything and this message may leave you unsatisfied, however we can message again.
2 quick things to ease your mind -self harm and suicidal urges can be treated effectively and with understanding, and looking at females is absolutely nothing to be worried about - you are exploring life.
We do care about you here
Croix
