What can i do to keep my wife from leaving me??

Feelinglost77 · ‎05-08-2017

Hi All

I have a problem with lying to my wife and stealing. I am addressing the issue of stealing with a psychologist and a counsellor. I have lied to my wife from the beginning of our relationship in the fear of her not wanting me. I made up stories to make her feel sorry for me and to want to be with me. This is my second marriage and we have been together for five years. My wife left me with our two boys and moved into her sisters place around May of this year. She left because i had yet again lied to her about what i had done. She said she cannot trust me and couldn't be in that kind of relationship. In the time she was gone which was approx 2 months, i kept seeing my psychologist and also engaged a counsellor to help me with my issues. I made promises to my wife that it was never going to happen again and that she can trust me. Eventually after the longest 2 months of my life, against her families and some friends wishes, she moved back home with the boys and we were together again. I never wanted to be in that situation ever again. Well, it lasted about a month when i stole again and was caught. I was terminated from my workplace and made up an excuse that i was made redundant. My wife found out the truth and has told me that she cant do this anymore and wants to leave me. She has said she wants to move into a rental property with our boys. She has agreed to stay living together until she finds a place. I am gutted and so desperately want her to stay. I love her and i know i can eventually beat this addiction i have, but i also know i have once again lied to her when i said i wouldn't. Is there anything i can do??

Croix · ‎05-08-2017

Dear Feelinglost77~

I'm very sorry to hear of the horrible position you are all in, you, your wife and your children. Unfortunately trust can be completely lost and as you know is not easily repaired if repeatedly broken. This sounds like the situation you are all in now.

I can't think of any magic strategy that will reunite you all right now, and frankly thinking in those terms may not be the best idea. Think of it this way, if your main motivation is to get back together you have not addressed the underlying problem which leads to making up stories and pinching things, so in a month or two the whole thing will fall apart again.

I suspect that at the moment if you are honest with yourself you may realize you are not 'cured' and are highly likely to relapse. Such an improvement, even with the best of medical support and good motivation can take some time, particularly if it happens to go against the habits of a lifetime.

Sorry to sound rather negative. An alternative approach might be to do the best you can to assist your family even if they are not with you, and concentrate on your therapies to beat this monster, and also look around for another job.

When you are confident in yourself you will not longer go down these paths then will be the time to seek reunion - if the opportunity presents itself.

It sounds like your wife has really wanted to continue with you and hoped against hope things would be better. When you are able to place her in a situation that is not impossible - which you are unfortunately doing now - maybe things will turn out OK.

Please feel you can keep on talking here, you'd be welcome. I realize this is a very difficult thing for you.

Croix

geoff · ‎06-08-2017

hi Feelinglost, I want to reply to you and will do so tomorrow as I've been up since 2.30 am. Geoff,

Simmo123 · ‎06-08-2017

If you love her let her go .shes obviously stressed out.seek the help you need .then see if you can fix it good luck.my wife left no explanation.at least you know what your problems are

geoff · ‎07-08-2017

hello Feelinglost, I agree with Croix, that you have to be 'honest with yourself' are you going to be cured or are you saying this just because you want your wife back, I can't answer this, only you can, but I know it's possible.
Can I give you another example, if an alcoholic wants to stop drinking, then can they walk past a drive-in bottle shop without 'buying' any alcohol, if not then they're not cured, so if you go into a shop and the assistant walks out the back leaving you there by yourself are you able to resist stealing an item, or is it easy to put something in your pocket and walk out.
The temptation would be easy if it's in your blood, but probably what's more important is that your wife doesn't trust you, so how can you regain her respect, well this isn't going to be easy, because now any future credit would be denied, insurance policies unless it's under your wife's name will also be rejected.
If you want your wife to return then you will need ongoing therapy, not just one appointment here or there but continual counselling, only because it would be easy to fall back into the pattern of stealing.
You marry someone because you love each other, but how can it be when you tell her lies, there can't be any trust, sorry but I had to answer your comment because you are asking for help. Geoff.