Transition- separated to divorce

[jt123]

Hey team, 

I want to thank this forum for giving me an opportunity to reach out. 
Well he it goes. 
Together 13 years, married 7, children 4 and 6. Our relationship was very strong before children. We were a great team prior to children. Our oldest child is does struggle with regulating her emotions. This has been difficult with two different parenting styles. 
appox 8 months ago she said to me that she wanted a break/ trial separation. This hit me for a six, don’t get me wrong things had been difficult in our relation ship prior to this but much of an eb and flow concept. I didn’t think this would happen( after everything I have read most men don’t). I fell into a unknown hole. I didn’t sleep for the first 3 days and was required to seek medical aid to sleep. We agreed to live 1 week on and 1 week off with the children not leaving the house. This went on for 6 months. During this time admittedly I did marriage courses, psychotherapy, psychology, and hypno therapy. I was determined to keep my family together.  During the 6 months she lived as a single women. We did marriage counselling where only one party was really invested. I look back now and see that she was gone at the begging of the trial separation. About two months ago she said she wanted out. It was almost relief as I had spent the last six months almost unable to function. I was single parenting and holding a new job. I look back at this and belief I am a lot stronger than I first thought. 
my biggest struggle now is moving towards the divorce, negative thought of her with new men which is inevitable. She is now a single and free to do as she pleases. But it still hurts. Also the realisation that the communication is also changed between us. No more sharing cute things about the kids or funny jokes. 
Any advice on moving forward in a positive manner would really be beneficial. And if you have read this and taken the time to respond I thank you! 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry to hear your predicament. In 1996 I too separated and divorced with kids 7 and 4yo. 

I think your wife has made her position clear and that is a signal that all in basically lost in the marriage. Time to let go and there could be some awareness from her that your clutching emotions are still present, hence her coldness. This occurs when one party has moved on quicker than the other. Therefore the quicker you move on the more chance of a quasi friendship that will benefit the children. 

The children- Post separation I rang my kids principle every morning to make sure the kids were 1/ emotionally ok and 2/ were indeed attending school. Yes was the answer to both. After 8 weeks or so I broke down over the phone and that female principle told me "kids are more resilient than us parents, they accept things easier". Very true. So relax with your kids, they adapt. As long as they have love and care from both all will be ok.

Re: "I was determined to keep my family together."  My therapist once said "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world?" It's a time you used to save yourself from self destruction and fun in life, because, any crisis you have now will show your wife wont be there to help. Time to help yourself and have some fun, go dating, sports, hobbies, new clubs, what ever your interests are- move towards them.

Re: "negative thought of her with new men"  Yes, intrusive thoughts is something you'll battle with, however, I can safely say, they are temporary. She has her rights and just because your relationship isnt how it used to be, you are no longer ideal to her which logically, doesnt mean there is something wrong with you. 

In the meantime here is a couple of threads to read, the first post only if you prefer-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Hi op and l'm very sorry about your situation.

Sadly it's a waste of time doing all these things yourself to save the marriage we can't save it alone and she is just not in that place right now. Apart from that were you even at fault anyway she might have needed a lot more work than you but never the less it is where it is for now l'm sorry.

Yaknow , there is a certain peace in just giving her what she wants and excepting it though. As heart breaking as it may be for the marriage itself but of course quad that for the kids and the family unit itself for them and you l know.

l know a guy that left the house for 3 hrs after but then came back with a six pack and they had a beer together. Wish l would've thought of that back when.

lt's not at all what we wanted for our kids l know, last thing on this planet. So it's so important now that they always know you both still love them to bits and will both always be there for them no matter what we found that was the biggest thing, no brainer of course but it is confusing nonetheless l know.

Our second thing was to always work together for our kids and be fair to one another no fights or spite or bs , always work for ea other and our d even if apart and so in essence for her. We kept all doors open even if apart and still are now 10yrs later we still text or call even drop in if needed all the time still working together for our d and that helps her like you wouldn't believe. lf their parents still make sure they get along and work together it really helps them know they still have their family even if apart.

Unfortunately though kids can be very very hard on a marriage l know, mine all totally changed too and so did my w and eventually it took it's toll and we broke up.

lt wasn't even having kids as such of course we both adored that but it was the changes in my w and prob me too but for me huge changes in her that did my damage.

Good luck anyway hang in there, look after you and always love and be there for your beautiful kids too no matter what.

rx