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Still Grieving Over The Abuse

PsychedelicFur
Community Member

Hello there,

I left my very psychologically abusive ex partner a little over ten months ago. I have days, like today where I’m still grieving and feeling extremely emotionally drained.

Why do these things still affect so badly? Those words, even after ten months still cut me very deeply.

My partner would comment on my appearance by saying I need to lose weight and then rate my looks out of ten. And say “oh well, your looks don’t really matter.”
He even triangulated me and compared me to other girls. Saying ; “If it were between you and her.. I would pick her any day over you!”

He would also say things like : “It’s you that’s the problem. I can deal with my emotions. Maybe you need to realise that you are a horrible person and you need to learn that the hard way. By losing someone close to you in your life. I can’t deal with your anxiety anymore.”

“You are far too sensitive.”

“If you weren’t so anxious then I would never have said that to you. You make me react that way with your behaviour.”

And...

“You are pathetic. You are so immature, GROW UP! I’m not going to parent you. I’m getting to a point where I don’t want to speak anymore. If you can’t deal with the stress of this relationship then good-luck getting any type of job in your dream pathway.”

I’m still traumatised from those experiences. Even though I am out of the relationship ... I still very much feel a sense of brokenness, confusion and devastation. This was my first ever proper relationship. I remember him shouting at me in the botanical gardens in the city after we had an argument near the art gallery. I remember how my heart was palpitating. And I also remember how I was shaking, crying and hyperventilating uncontrollably as he stood there yelling at me - “YOU ARE SO IMMATURE! GROW UP!”

PF.

18 Replies 18

Hi psychedelic fur,

You ask how does one heal from all the traumatic memories..I think it takes time, they will eventually fade into the middle distance and their power will weaken. It is also a choice, you need to decide at some point that the words of a small minded insecure man are just that. As someone who has suffered domestic violence at the hand of a partner for over a decade, I don’t particularly agree with the concept that it changes your brain, because I don’t want to hand over that much power to my abuser, it may take me awhile to recover from their treatment of me but I will recover and there won’t be a trace left of them. People can recover from incredible trauma and go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives, please don’t give this man more power over your life than he deserves. I think the important thing is to work on how you feel about you, do things that are good for your soul. If you like vintage clothes, go op shopping and get yourself some new outfits that celebrate you, I always love a different haircut to reinvigorate me. Self-care helped me immensely when overcoming my abuse. You may also see a psychologist specializing in trauma if you feel that you need it?

PsychedelicFur
Community Member

I am now understanding the concept of projection. Hurt people actually hurt people.
My narcissistic ex boyfriend was a deeply insecure human being. And he was deeply insecure about his weight, looks, abilities/capabilities etc. So that is why he would casually throw such horrible insults at me quite frequently : “GROW UP! I don’t want to father you. You are pathetic and immature.” And “You are so embarrassing looking.” And so on...
When he was insecure about something he had to project his issues onto me.
I’m understanding this.
I have been doing more research. And as of lately, I have been coming to a rather big realisation. Projection is most certainly a common thing.

You know, there are days where I feel like I am healing. I feel like I am ‘whole’ once again. And then there are days where I ruminate and sit with my thoughts. And I could cry.

I am overcoming so much trauma in my recent years. My mother was psychologically abusive towards me. Most of my ex boyfriends were rather sadistic and liked to see me upset or feeling inferior.

I’m just trying to cope with everything at the moment. It’s extremely difficult.

PF.

Hi PsychedelicFur,

You do seem to have a good grasp of 'Projection'. I imagine you will be spotting this pattern of behaviour in other people, too. It is indeed common to many people, to a greater or lesser degree.

You this certainly is a time when you are coping with a lot of emotion & deep thinking, so, it is very important to be sure to take breaks, & not to allow this to be what you do every waking minute of any day. That takes some effort on your part, as well, planning to have these breaks, just as you have to be prepared to eat, sleep & for personal care, & things like getting outside, talking to people, all these things too are still part of your life, which you might have to keep an eye on. Then you'll have more of those days when you feel lighter, freer, like you said, 'healing' & 'whole'.

It's really good to hear the positive tone in your post. 😺

mmMekitty

PS, you like to play any musical instrument?

Hi psychedelic fur,

Projection is most certainly a thing, you only need to look at the language used. In your ex-boyfriends case he used a lot of shame and humiliation in his language so this is the feeling that he cannot bear to feel himself for whatever reason. I don’t like to throw the word around because it gets used so much, but it’s very common of narcissists, who I believe are at the core of just about every abusive relationship. These people are incredibly insecure and this is how they deal with their insecurities, by bringing you down. Sadly it is because they actually think that you are too good, you dress too well, you light up the room too much etc that they lash out. The more you read about it though the more you understand, and you eventually end up pitying them for being so incapable of dealing with their emotions or admitting they are wrong they they need to behave this way.

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi PsychedelicFur & Juliet_84, & all,

I'd like to learn more so I can more quickly recognise when people are setting me up, before I feel any attachment, & most certainly, much longer before escape time & I'm scrambling for a way out of the relationship.

Warm virtual hugs,

mmMekitty

.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi mmMekitty,

There’s no one way to identify someone quickly unfortunately there are things you can do to help guard against it.
My best advice would be to take things slow in the first 6 months, don’t allow yourself to fall head over heels quickly as they will have you where they want you then. Abusers and manipulators will love bomb you during this stage, they will make you feel like you are the only person in the world for them, that you have finally found your Prince Charming. They won’t be phony about it and they will feel completely sincere so it is incredibly hard to resist but there’s another side to them which they are hiding. Beware the people who come on too strong or move too quickly.
They want you to fall in love fast, because they can’t keep up the charm forever, they know the mask will drop. Look at how they treat animals, people like waiters etc. how do they act when they lose their temper. They can still fake that at the start but you’ll get an idea over time. Also, how do they speak about their ex. Not always a good indicator as lots of people don’t like their ex but if their ex is the worst person in the world etc, it’s a bit of a warning sign that things may not be right.

A great saying I heard recently was 'crisis reveals character'.

You really get to see the true nature of someone when things aren't going their way.

Also observe the way they treat other people i.e. waiters, airport staff, etc. My abusive ex, even while she was initially kind to me (lovebombing phase) was extremely rude to other people. I found it confronting but I was at that stage infatuated with her so she really couldn't do any wrong in my eyes.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
I’ve seen the same thing - if you want to know the character of a person, see how they treat someone who can do nothing for them. So wait staff, random people in the street. Even animals, anyone I know who has ever been abusive or controlling doesn’t like animals (and vice versa). Just a theory but I think it shows a lack of empathy.

Flower1990
Community Member

I can relate to so much of what you have said in your post.... I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man too and we only just stopped talking a few days ago.I haven't been able to maintain no contact with him for longer than 2 months. I have been on this off again/on again rollercoaster for nearly 2.5 years now and so much unbelievable / damaging stuff has happened in that time.

He would say things like "GROW UP - you're a child" or " You're being a baby" when all I am trying to do is voice how I am feeling. "You're too sensitive" " you should be over this already" " I haven't done anything wrong" " you need to apologise" " this is your fault" . It is chilling how they use the same words and language.

I have been struggling with this for such a long time now and one of the saddest things about it is that I feel really alone as though no one can truly understand it unless they have experienced it themselves! I just want to say that you are not alone and it can take a really long time to heal from these kinds of relationships. I just want to be over it already and move on with my life, as you do too I can imagine. It is very frustrating! I think the only thing that will work is no contact at all with this person (not on social media, email, phone etc - erase all messages, give away gifts, destroy photos). Any memory of them will need to be erased - ignorance is bliss as they say. Not having reminders around and being present and doing things that you love and enjoy will help a lot. TIME is also a major factor....frustrating....but there's nothing else to do but wait for these feelings to pass...and they will eventually. I hope you find the love and happiness you deserve after enduring all of this.

Take care