Starting life as a couple while raising step kids and cohabiting with a friend

[Jane_S]

I have a partner of 3 years who has 3 kids under under 10. I used to rent a unit on my own and after a few years I got a friend who shared it with me for another couple of years years. Then 2 years ago I met my now partner we all got along well. Last year we moved in the house I've built with a plan of starting to live as a couple and build a family with the kids and eventually try to have a child of our own once we are set. With my friend I told her she can move in with us until she can find a place to move into. I work fulltime and my partner works the opposite shift. We get the kids one weekend and the other weekend my partner works. It was all well and good until his ex changed the weekends leaving me with no alone time with my partner. Plus having my friend with us full time which makes it difficult to start life as a couple. I don't want to have to tell her that it is time to move out. We had intances where we had to cancel our dinner date as a couple because my friend was upset and acted sad when we told her that we are gonna have dinner. She was expecting us to invite her so I had to give her the talk. Seen as we live work and have same circle of friends I also had to give her the talk on how I also needed time just by muself and not to be offended if I don't hang out where she is. Lately, my partner and I had a fight and I was upset as I felt she didn't thought of giving us space to talk and expected me to ask her to leave. So with having fulltime jobs with opposite schedule and demands of helping take care of the kids and building rapport with them, but at the same time also giving the kids quality time with their dad plus a fulltime friend who does most things with us, am I out of line if I feel like I don't have the time I deserve with my partner? Am I out of line if I'm feeling upset about having to feel like I have to be a supportive partner a caring and cool step mother and a good friend all in one household?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

No, you certainly are not unreasonable to ask your friend to move out. In fact under the circumstances she should have offered knowing you both have little time for each other.

Your approach with your step children is admirable, to try and bond with them and give them time with their natural parent- we’ll done there. I’ve been a step parent twice and it’s a delicate situation.

So, sooner rather than later get her to move, I wouldn’t let it drag on- make it days not weeks.

Finally consider getting your partner to set in concrete visiting rosters for the kids or at least reaffirm with their mother that the weekend access won’t be changed.

TonyWK

[Betternow]

Jane S

I agree totally with white knight. You are well within your social rights to expect your girlfriend to give you some space. In fact, most people would have politely declined your generous invitation to share house.

Sit your friend down and be very clear you need privacy and therefore she will have to leave. The covid 19 does make it awkward but I’m sure she will be able to work it out.

[Jane_S]

Hello TonyWK,

With what is going on around I am afraid I can't ask her to move in days or even weeks. Hoping once all this crisis is over I hope our living arrangement can change.

Thank you so much for the reply.

Jane S

[white knight]

The choice is yours entirely.

In respect to the pandemic, in Victoria moving house is under the “reasonable to do” list so it is ok.

Check your own state via the police

TonyWK

[CMF]

Hi

I empathise with you. I have 3 kids, he has 2 and his sis lives there. The only alone time is when we go out on a Sunday which is we can't now. His kids are teens like 2 of mine so always in their rooms but his sis wLks5in and out and I interrupts conversations or takes over with her own stuff so they end up chatting. You're not out of line. Boundaries are needed and your friend should not expect to be invited to dinner etc.

Cmf x

[Jane_S]

Thank you Cmf x

[Jane_S]

Thank you TonyWK

[Jane_S]

An update on this and warning, it did not turn out great. January this year my friend eventually moved out and I and my partner supported her with her move. We still visited and she still visited us. 2 of my partner's kid also moved in with us permanently 1 month before she moved to her house. I dropped some shifts and changed my roster to accomodate taking care of the kids and taking them to school while my partner worked. Few days a week when I am at work in the afteenoon their grandma picks them up from school. In the past few months one of the kids became resentful and misbehaving a lot. Not listening. Says mean things to me and her dad. To the point I felt anxious when its school pick up time coz I don't know what mood she will be in and what she is going to say again. She lately had been frequently saying she wants to go back to her mum's. She did not cope well with home schooling, it has been a struggle with her. I told my partner of the problem and he can't manage her as well. I stopped doing things and my partner needed to pick up what I had left undone. I thought if I can't get support from him why should I carry all the responsibility and put up with disrespect from his kid. It came to a point where I already told my partner that he has to arrange something for her if he can't back me up and support me. Eventually one of the kids was sent back home to her mum. Little did I know that all this time while we were having problems with the kids, my partner and my close friend already started an affair. I discovered it on my birthday and it had already been almost 2 months when the other kid who chose to stay with us saw them kissing in our kitchen. At that time it all came back to me, that was why she was watching my partner's shows, she was persistent on visiting and inviting herself over. Coming to my house while I was at work to "deliver food for me". And coming from her it was her who wanted to come over and my partner did not ask her to come over. I know my partner can get overwhelmed and when under stress and pressure he can't think straight. My so call friend knows that's how he is when he is stressed. She said she was depressed due to lockdown and she had other options and friend but she doesn't know why she chose my partner. It was messed up and I felt very betrayed especially by my so called close friend who I considered like a sister and was even concerned about not hurting her feelings when I needed my space. Now I am broken.