Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM · ‎11-11-2015

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

pipsy · ‎26-12-2015

MisterM. My parents never apologized to me either, but I still forgave them for the hurt. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you go through life with a 'tit for tat' attitude, you still come out the loser. I'm sorry if that hurts, but your mother's house is her house. What you did was wrong, what she did was wrong. Show her you're better by apologizing. If she doesn't accept your apology, that's HER problem. That way, your conscience is clear. Have you sorted a place to live, yet. No matter what happens, I am concerned for you. I'm sure deep down, your mum does love you. With everything that's happened, though, you both need time. My mum used to hold grudges, I still forgave her as I realised she couldn't help being who and what she was. She's now passed and I'm pleased I forgave her. She didn't speak to me for years, but bottom line - she was still and always will be my mother. I didn't love her, but I still defend her memory because I realized she couldn't change. I could change my attitude toward her, and did, so can you.

MisterM · ‎27-12-2015

Hi Pipsy,

Yeah I know I am wrong and it's my parents house.
I haven't sorted out a place yet. Can't do that without a job. I need to find some work.
I cannot love her, I feel hatred towards her. But when she had cancer I was crying.

pipsy · ‎27-12-2015

Dear MisterM. Your life seems to be going round in circles. You need a job to get money, to find somewhere to live. I would suggest either you go to Centrelink, from there, you will be advised to join an employment agency, (their choice, unfortunately). The employment agency will contact you to advise you of your appointment to help you find a job. They do it one of two ways. Either they help you make out a resume, or they put you on a computer, where you give name, address, contact number. From there, you list job qualifications (if you have any). You will then have to report to the agency when directed. It's tiresome, but necessary. If, because of medical issues you can't work, you will need to obtain a Dr's certificate. The other way (more difficult) is to find work yourself. Centrelink can be very unforgiving if you don't play the game their way. Sorry to sound so matter-of-fact, but I recently had to go through all that myself. I'm also sorry to hear about how you feel about your mum, perhaps that feeling will change once you're living away. Perhaps if you thought about things from her point of view. Don't blow up at me for saying that, the way you feel about your lifestyle/music is just as strong as her feelings.

Anyway, best of luck whatever happens. Keep in touch.

MisterM · ‎27-12-2015

Thanks Pipsy.
Yes it is going in circles and not going at the same time if that makes sense.
I hate Centrelink and despite pleas from family I refuse to go there. I have been there before, they are so rude and treated me like dirt.
Centrelink don't care for medical certificates, my mum was told she is unfit to work and Centrelink said she is fit to work, they are ridiculous.
I want to go back to uni to get into the career I want but that's another complication to my life right now.

pipsy · ‎27-12-2015

Hi. I agree with you about Centrelink, but if you can't get a job or go to uni, do you have other options? When I went to Centrelink, I was told to go home because I was being rude. Since registering, however, I no longer have to deal with them. Centrelink got me into an employment agency. Once you're 'on their books', they pretty much leave you to deal with the employment agency that helps you. I 'log on' once a fortnight to inform Centrelink that I'm still doing my volunteer work. With a Dr's certificate, plus a covering letter, the employment agency will accept you're unable to work. Once you're receiving any sort of pension, Centrelink will be satisfied. If you are 'swinging' the lead, yes, they will 'come down' on you. As long as you're honest, you've got no worries. If your mum is at pension age, they will not expect her to work. Perhaps you could qualify for 'Newstart' which means you will receive an allowance until you find a job. The employment agency will assist you in finding suitable work. Centrelink does not come into it once you're with the employment agency. The agency will help you as far as they can.

MisterM · ‎28-12-2015

I saw a report on ABC exposing how job agencies used by Centrelink just get your name on their book so that they get money from the government and they don't help the unemployed.

Paul · ‎28-12-2015

Hey Mate,

There are plenty of stories like that and plenty of BS stories too. I think the best thing is to assess what is best for you and what your goals are. Unfortunately that means playing the game with centrelink, doing what they need you to do to either bag yourself a job or access some financial assistance.

There's got to be a first move made. I think you've proved to us that you can do that because you made music and sold a copy to at least one person who loved it.

Imagine working in a music store, giving people advice on instruments or selling the latest music. What a boon it would be to combine your passion and a job to get you out of your current situation.

I know it's tough. It's tough to stay motivated when you feel down, it's tough to stay motivated when it seems like there is nothing to look forward to.

Despite all of the barriers, there's still got to be a first move made. It's pretty clear that you need to be in a better situation than you are now so the first move is yours to make.

We're here to support you and would love to see you in a much much better frame of mind and situation and are excited to see you spread your wings and take that first step.

Paul

pipsy · ‎28-12-2015

Hi MisterM. No matter what you want to do, uni, get a job, move out from home, you're going to need money. If you're unable to work for whatever reason, you're going to need a Dr's certificate to qualify for disability. If you can get work more power to you. If you want disability, unfortunately, Centrelink is the only way you're going to get it. Until you get work, how are you going to survive? No matter where you live, you're going to have to pay your way. I'm sorry for sounding so blunt, but, bottom line you need money. Even if you could get some sort of 'Newstart' via Centrelink, till you find work, that's all I can suggest. Have you seen anything advertised that appeals to you? Do you have a resume, if you do, drop copies into everywhere you think might get you work. I realize it's hard, there's school leavers also trying to find work. A lot of them have police records though, do you? All Newstart means , as I told you, is, you have to report fortnightly/monthly to an employment agency. As long as Centrelink knows you're showing, they'll leave you alone. Centrelink don't help the unemployed, you're right, that's why they now have agencies.

MisterM · ‎28-12-2015

Thanks Paul.
I have thought of working in a record store, I don't know much about instruments. Even though I play guitar, I do not know all the tech stuff.
It's like I don't know how to spread my wings and fly, I am scared to make the step out of home into my own place.

Thanks Pipsy,
I want to go back to uni to get a degree that will mean I never have to work in the corporate world again. I just need to find a way to study full time and have enough money to pay the mortgage or rent if I decide to rent. I might need to bite the bullet in the new year and get on Newstart, I don't think I will qualify for disability due to depression/anxiety. I am not confined to my bed, I have dysthymia/depression, I've had it for years whilst working in corporate.

I applied for a job over 2 months ago and they are still working through applications, I doubt I will get it but never know. Other than that nothing appeals to me that I have experience in. I can only apply for admin/customer service type roles and I have worked in those for years, I don't like it. I tried applying over the past 2 years for jobs in other areas without success.

I am considering either nursing (night shift might not be the best having a mental illness) or teaching (more suitable for me) as careers. I would need to go back to uni for that but got to work out how to juggle having to work to pay the rent or mortgage on my own with study full time.
I'd have to find a part time job if I study full time but a part time job won't be enough to pay the mortgage or rent and bills/living expenses. If I were 10 years younger I'd stay at home whilst I study but at 31 I need to move out. It's a tough one I find.

Paul · ‎29-12-2015

Hey MisterM

From what you've written on your posts, It doesn't seem like age is the limiting factor. Your living arrangements are made difficult because of family beliefs and ultimately a disagreement with your mum.

With no job and your current living arrangement in jeopardy can you afford to be choosy about the job you get?

Perhaps a solution is to live in a share house while you establish yourself financially once you have a job then think about uni.

First things first. What's the most pressing thing that needs attention? Living arrangements, Job, Uni, Health, Escaping corporations?

P