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Newly married and constantly fearing being cheated on

Teibs
Community Member

Hi everyone

Really new to this. I recently got married, 3 months now to the man I really love. I’ve never had this feeling when we were dating but ever since we got married I constantly fear that he is going to cheat on me or that he is doing something behind my back. I understand that a lot of it has to do with my past relationships where both times I’ve been cheated on. So I think the trauma from those is still bothering me.

However, I logged in to his Facebook and I know it’s very foolish and stupid. I did and I saw that he deleted his conversation with this girl that I don’t like. Now I know that they used to talk before we started dating but nothing after that. I just don’t know why he would delete it. Then I went through his search history and I saw that he searched for her profile quite recently as well. Now that just added fuel to the fire. It’s been on my mind constantly. So I asked him if he would give me his Facebook password. He didn’t hesitate and gave it to me but then I realised he deleted all his search history before he gave it to me.

I know he loves me and I know he would not cheat on me. But I want to know if this is normal? Like do guys just randomly check out other women? I just find it so very wrong and it’s been haunting me to a point where I haven’t slept in days. I’ve been having constant anxiety attacks and at times I cannot do anything. My body just gives up and I feel so weak that I just go to bed. It’s affecting my work, my relationship, my studies.

Am I over thinking this? I try to tell myself that I am. The way these thoughts are haunting me it’s like a parasite. I really need help. I don’t know what to do. There are no other indications of him doing anything. He is really decent, he loves my family and always puts in the effort to make my day. I just feel like why would he hide those and why delete it if he has no bad intentions?

i feel really stupid asking these but I also need to rest my brain. I just feel so tired being paranoid all the time

8 Replies 8

IsaJett
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Teibs

I know exactly how you are feeling .And it isn't fun at all. You love the guy and want to hope for the best but at the same time your gut is telling you something. What do you do ??

I think the best thing to do is to have a one on one/ heart to heart discussion with him. Say how you feel exactly to him and just say how you are feeling. Be careful not to accuse him of anything cos sometimes it can come across like that. Focus on how you feel about the situation and see what he says . If he really cares about you ...he would listen and reassure you somehow. That way you address the situation somehow.

lets just say if the tables were turned...and you are him ...wouldnt you want your partner to confide in you if there are stuff bothering him ??

Don't let these things fester. It give you some refuge as well..getting it off your chest.

Don't ever feel stupid..or paranoid as these things happen.

Keep well and welcome to the forum...glad you are here and know that you are not alone 😉

Teibs
Community Member

Hi Isabel

Thank you 🙂

The other problem is we are in a long distance at the moment due to his visa issues. So he will come over once his spouse visa is granted. Maybe that’s just adding to the factor as well.

I have discussed my fears with him and he has reassured me a million times that he will never do anything to hurt me. But then this little voice in head tells me “oh that’s what they will always say”. I just feel so helpless and sick at times.

If he won’t do anything then why would he feel the need to hide/delete his conversations or his activities. Am I being silly?

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey Teibs 😊

Sorry you're in such an anxious state over this at the moment.

I can relate to your feelings. I have been with my partner for 6 years. When we first started together, I was paranoid. Due to my past relationships of being treated badly and lied to etc. I assumed that my partner would do the same and expected as much.

I almost blew it a few times by assuming the worst.

It took talking to a therapist about this and her helping me to realise that actually people can be good and honest and want the best for you. Wow. How refreshing is that?

Your husband may have deleted the convos because he knew that you might get upset and think the worst? I'm just going from my own experience where I inadvertently found a text convo between my partner and an ex and I hadn't been told about it. I assumed the worst , but it was actually just my partner trying to be sensitive to my over-active anxious mind and it meant nothing.

Not saying your situation is the same, but it could be less of a problem than you think. You could, as Isabel said just ask him and be honest with him about your worries. After all communication is very important in relationships.

🌻birdy

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Teibs,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way, jealousy and paranoia can be such all-consuming feelings. At their heart, they arise from a desire to protect something that we value. I think that this feeling can also often arise due to a sense of loss of control and our own attempt to gain some control back in our lives. But the reality is that you will never be able to stop a person who wants to cheat, and the constant mistrust can have the opposite effect of driving a person away. I’m sure that you know all this, but sometimes knowing something and believing it are two different things! You’ve had your confidence knocked due to what you found on Facebook. But Facebook is meant for Facebook stalking, we all do it, we’re all embarrassed by it and I think that is what’s going on here. I think that you need to give your husband the benefit of the doubt this time and if you ever find something again, then raise it with him.

Teibs
Community Member
Thank you so much Birdy and Juliet. I think I just really needed to hear what others thought because I know my judgement is being clouded by my paranoia and past experiences. I think I’ll just give him the benefit of the doubt now and discuss with him if I feel concerned later. I’m really grateful, it feels so great to have this support. I thought I was going crazy and will end up ruining my relationship. Thank you so much!

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Teibs,

That’s ok, we’ve all been there :)! I think our worst fears can get the better of us sometimes and cloud our judgement. You don’t have to blindly trust someone in the face of irrefutable evidence but I think everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt once. I wish you all the best in your new marriage xx

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hi Teibs, and welcome.

I understand your concern and it's very valid, however can I put another angle on this, what happened if your husband had been friends with her, nothing happened in the bedroom, they were only close and talked about their problems as well as the good times well before you got married.

They are just friends, then it wouldn't be fair just to drop their friendship especially when they need support, and the same would happen to you, however I would want my wife to drop any connection with some chap she knew, so this goes against what I've just said.

I think you may start to worry if he comes home late and his routine changes out of the ordinary and his personality is different.

If he hides secrets then the trust is broken, but you know he loves you and you love him and that's what makes a marriage.

I hope my comment hasn't frightened you because that's certainly not what I want to do.
Geoff.

Dniaiu
Community Member

From yet another perspective, I regularly delete my search, browse, location, custom dictionary, etc. history, and I'm not even in a relationship, and never cheated when I was married.

It doesn't take much effort to be surprised at how much information is being collected, or how much can be inferred by linking bits of info, and I'd just prefer not to be leaving all that info out there...