FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

My Wife Isn't Interested in Anything to do with our Relationship

James18
Community Member

Back Story: So I have been married for over two years now and we've been together for over 4 years. I work close to 60 hours a week. My wife works full time at the moment but wants to cut back to part time because the job is very tough for her. I spend my free time on weekends doing all the housework by myself and take full care of our two cats.

For over the last year my wife has been getting more and more neglectful to the point I feel like she doesn't care about anything including me. Our sex life is almost non-existent and it's probably happened 4 times in the last year (Initiated by me every time). She doesn't want to help me with the housework as she claims she is always tired and I am forced to be responsible for all meals in our house. We fight almost every day about how I don't care for her and show her the emotional support she needs but I am never anywhere else and whatever I do isn't enough. I am going over the edge and don't know what to do. I feel like my emotions are being played with and that I am being used constantly. She will tell me how much she likes me and always wants to be with me but every opportunity she has I get blown off. I try to tell myself this is normal and I'm simply not doing enough but I don't know what else to do. Every second day I think about asking for a divorce but can't stand the thought of leaving her alone.

I have tried to encourage her more and show her videos and talks about relationships. She keeps telling me that it'll get better and I shouldn't worry but nothing has changed in a very long time. I have read lots of books and feel like I am at the end of my rope and can't cope anymore. I have one side telling me to leave and one side telling me to seek more intense therapy etc.

Someone please help me with some advice or tell me if this is normal? I'm caught in tug of war with emotions and sometimes I think there is only one way out...

J.

5 Replies 5

Lost_Girl
Community Member

Hi J,

I only new to the forum but I am sure you've come to the right place for support, they are great here and I am sure someone will respond soon.

As I read through your post I felt like you were describing me. Feeling that work is stressful, always tired, feeling unable to help with household work, being less intimate yet feeling like I wasn't getting enough emotional support from hubby.  I also stopped wanting to see people like my friends, has your wife stopped going out as much?

I was recently diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. A lot of what you describe for her are signs that someone may be depressed. I can empathise with how you must feel you are giving so much and not getting much in return.  Maybe while you wait for someone to give yousome help here you can read through the information on this site about depression and see if that sounds like something your wife might be going through?

Keep strong until you get a reply. I am sure you will get the support you need here.

Warm regards,

Lost Girl

Fairywings
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi there im sorry to hear you are going through this with your wife i understand how difficult this is for you and i can totally understand how you feel like your loosing your mind.  It really sounds to me that your wife is experiencing symptoms of depression. I know this is not easy to deal with everyday but I feel she really needs to seek professional help.  I too would behave in the same way and i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder for which till this day is a daily experience for me but with the help of my meds i am able to have a sense of stability and live life much more happily. I can really empathize with you when u say u are doing it all and getting nothing back in the relationship.  Your very sweet in sticking by her she needs this but its also important that once things begin to stabilize themselves it is important that you look after urself bc it is very easy to slip away due to what you are experiencing everyday.  Please stay strong will the right help you both will get through this. Xx 

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear James

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good you have found your way here and thank you for telling us your story. I am sorry you are in such a hard place and I hope we can offer some support and suggestions.

I have to agree with Lost Girl and Fairywings, your wife does sound as though she could do with a visit to her GP. Can you suggest it to her? Offer to go with her as well. You can add details to her information that it may not occur to her to say and will help the doctor with a diagnosis. You will also know what the doctor says. Often people with depression won't give information to anyone because they feel ashamed of being ill, such is the weight of public opinion.

I also suggest you see the doctor on your own account before you collapse under the strain. Please go, even if your wife will not see a doctor. You will probably be able to get some idea of the problem just by describing her actions to the GP and get some suggestions on how to manage.

Depression can be quite serious and the sooner your wife gets some help the better. In the meantime, stop focusing so much on the housework. I expect you dislike the house being a mess but can you manage with a minimum of work? For one thing it may motivate your wife to do a few chores, but more importantly it will give you time to spend with your wife.

Cook a meal and afterwards sit with your wife and just chat. Dishes can be done later and any other chores. I see you have two cats. Are they indoor cats and do they like to sit on your lap? Perhaps you can have a cat each and talk while you stroke the cat. Having this tactile sensation can create quite a bond with the cat but also with your wife if she is also cuddling a cat. It's one way of making a setting where you can talk to each other more easily.

Try to avoid asking her too many questions. When we are depressed it's really hard to keep answering. Just an occasional prompt once she gets talking. Tell her how you feel, including the worries you have about her. I don't expect this will all happen in one go, but keep on being gentle, making quiet times together and she may well find the courage to tell you her fears. And depression has lots of fears. Have a browse around this site. There is heaps of information on depression and it will help you to understand where your wife is.

I hope what I have said is of use to you. Please keep writing in here.

Mary

Hi mary you r such a beautiful inspiration community champion 😍😍

Lost_Girl
Community Member

Hi James,

I just wanted to check in and see how you're going.  A lot of the responses you received were around how to help your wife but I realise that you are really hurting too so I want you to know this is a safe place for you to have a chatvor a vent too on how you're coping.

With doing so much around the house and cooking all the meals etc as well as caring for her emotional state I can imagine you're feeling exhausted and perhaps a little overwhelmed yourself?

If you feel like it, let us know how you're doing. Thinking of you.

Carol