My husband cut ties with my Family

[Elizabeth Louise]

My husband has decided to cut ties with my family just over a year ago. What started off as a small complaint to my family about my sisters behaviour at my sons birthday party escalated into a massive fight with my sister a few weeks later. My husband had sent a message to my mum and sister about how she upset our son with her behaviour and because my mum left the group chat he believes his concerns were ignored and he felt abandoned. My mum was dealing with the news of my dads cancer diagnosis and she felt the message was an attack. My husband was constany bringing up the issue for 3 weeks, that it wasn't resolved for instance after a nice day out at the beach and it kept stressing me out. I kept saying to let it go, but he wouldnt. I then asked my sister to respond so it could be resolved and she responded to his text, but he wasn't happy with this as she was being defensive and making excuses at the same time. Because the issue was still not resolved, I asked her to come over and apologise in person so he could move on. It ended up becoming a huge fight because he wasn't happy with the way she apologised to our son. She apologised to him in private and we had no idea. After 2 hrs she was about to leave, he questioned why she came. From the look on his face, it seemed a bit aggressive. It escalated into a fight and she told him to f$%@# off. She also admitting to recording him just before she left. This event almost broke us as he believed I chose to defend her over him.

He doesn't want to see them again and says things will never be the way they were. He doesn't trust them and think my parents chose to protect her and do nothing about her behaviour or the fact that she recorded him at our house without his consent.

I think the whole situation got out of hand and got bigger than what it should have been. I still see my family with the kids but without him but i think the situation Is impacting my mental health. I just want things to be normal again. I feel like there is this dark cloud hovering over me and everyone is being stubborn and no one really cares enough to help reconcile things so we can move forward.

My husband won't reply to texts, he won't even open birthday gifts he received from them. I have asked him to just have a conversation. My dad wants to speak to him but he refuses to see anyone. He previously had a great relationship with my parents.

What do I do? Do I keep pushing for reconciliation?

[Elizabeth Louise]

Chance meeting might actually happen as well live in the same neighbourhood.

My husband blocked all their phone numbers so they are unable to text or call him. I guess if they really want to they could send an email.

Thanks again White Knight. Your advice has been really helpful. It's good to hear a different perspective and to get some more insight into my situation.

[white knight]

You're welcome. Your hearts in the right place in a volatile situation. All the best.

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

So many contributing factors in the lead up may have left everyone with a short fuse - your sister also was dealing with some crisis which drew her attention (and decorum) away from the occasion, and this, in turn, transferred to your parents, and the debacle resulted in disrespectful conduct within the sanctity of your own home.

At any other time, this would not even have been an issue to begin with - just a grizzle at the end of the day about being inconsiderate (or perhaps offering support for her situation) and just be done with it.

It's odd that your husband deflected the fact that he wasn't necessarily standing up for his son, rather for you as your family turned on you for what is essentially your prerogative to conduct your household as you see fit. You were the one upset more so than your easy going son - I too wonder what was said between husband and son that night...

His lowered self esteem and feelings of your reduced support ('abandonment') may have been behind his actions as well as trying to redeem such feelings in you and within himself.
It's not about the apology, but standing together and showing love and compassion for each other through the most horrendous of times you have endured.

Your husband's decision to go to his parents as priority suggests a loss of confidence in your relationship to speak from the heart without fear of reprisal - I know that was never your intention, but the impression seems to have formed after recent upheavals.
He may indeed benefit from counselling (as a couple) after he opens up to you about his struggles and can feel reassured that you are there for him regardless.

[Elizabeth Louise]

My husband wants us to sell our house and move. He wants to leave our suburb because he doesn't feel free anymore. Basically he doesn't like the feeling that he might by chance bump into my family at the shops. (They had a falling out 1.5 years ago) 

I think he's trying to run away from problems instead of dealing with the root cause. So I suggested he goes to counselling to get some professional advice. I wish he would talk through his issues with my family. I just don't think we need to uproot our whole life, move house and move suburbs just so he can avoid people. I want stability. Moving house is stressful. After moving house I'm 2016 and renovating, I don't want to go through that again. Plus our son got accepted into high school which we tried so hard to get him into the past 2 years and he starts next year. I really need stability after going on through a few life changes the past 5 years, selling our first home, redandancy, new Job, job loss. We also worked so hard to renovate our home, why throw that all away?

How do I support him and show empathy without giving in to his request of moving house? 

• He's basically giving me the cold shoulder again because our issues are not "resolved" which is really hurtful.

[tranzcrybe]

Thanks for following up, and I guess it would help to see through your husband's eyes - perhaps he feels humiliated and outnumbered, is averse to confrontation (ironically, based on past outbursts) and intimidated/hamstrung by keeping sweet with family by avoiding them. That's only what I see from your explanation but it might go some way to justifying his desire to escape. Rightly or wrongly, your husband feels threatened - not welcomed or part of the extended family (this is not uncommon but many choose to just push through, accepting it comes with the territory).
First I would set up a few boundaries:-
1] Your home is your sanctuary and it is not for people (family or otherwise) just to wander in unannounced or uninvited. Establish the feeling that this is his domain and a safe place to find comfort with his immediate family. This seems to have been the upshot from earlier posts - his personal space was being invaded... overrun!
2] Be supportive and avoid siding with family regardless of veracity. You can support your husband without necessarily agreeing or going along with decisions (just omit the finer details and focus on the sentiment - this is always valid from one perspective!).

3] Meet up with family in 'neutral' spaces - restaurant, parks, children's activities, etc. to reduce the intensity and deflect conflict.
4] Look for opportunities for husband to make himself useful for family - lending a hand to fix the back decking, taking over a lawnmower in time of need, being BBQ chef on the weekend.

Doing things can speak louder than words and any appreciation or token gesture is substantial payment in family terms. Equally, swallowing one's pride and asking for assistance is often seen as an olive branch which can unlock horns - there seems to be too much chest thumping on both sides which raises shackles causing tension all round.
The sad part is that husband sounds fearful of crossing paths with family - his self esteem needs a boost to at least accept that, although it's nice to be loved by all, it is not essential in order to maintain civility and tolerance of each other for the sake of familial impartiality.
Whether liking it or not he is part of the bigger picture in the family dynamic - he has, and deserves, his place in it and others need to realise this also. Running away will not change the status quo - likely only fuel the disunity.