Married but Alone

[ChubbyBoo12]

This is my first time using this outlet so please bear with me. 

I have been married for 9 years and our lives are entrenched because we own a business together.  Earlier this year, I discovered, by accident, some emails between him and a mutual friend. He shared personal things about our relationship with her. I was furious. He calmed me down and explained that she was a good friend and nothing more. He said that he loved her but as a friend and he needed to maintain his friendship with her to have some balance in life.

Now things have become more serious. He has another confidante Miss X with whom he smses morning, noon and night. She is overseas and he has not met her yet. He has his mobile phone with him all the time.

His excuse is that I have pushed him away for 3 years and drove him to this. I do not believe that we had not been intimate for 3 years. It is very unlikely but he says that this is the case. I explained that I have been going through that symptoms of being on the Pill and Perimenopause. He does not believe me and thinks that I am using this as an excuse.

He is now stressed and depressed because he does not know what to do. I have been a loyal, caring wife and we have a business together so he needs me here. However, Miss X is also important to him and he does not feel stressed smsing her. I have told him exactly how I feel and asked for another chance to be a wife to him.  He says that I have been controlling and not grateful for the life that I have. It is not that I am ungrateful. What I keep asking for is to do couple things. All we communicate about is about the business, AFL and extended family issues.

So nowadays, I just do what I have to do with the house and business. He says that I am driving him crazy by asking questions. From Saturday, I have not mentioned Miss X at all. I know that it has only been 4 days but I think that I have done well. I am in limbo at the moment. Do not know where this will end. I do not want him to be with me because of obligation but I know that that is one of the factors. I gave up my country, family, friends to come here to start my life here with him. I trusted him and believed that it will be forever. I guess I was naive.

We still talk and on some nights, we are intimate. I am trying to be a good wife to him.

He says that he needs a holiday so he is going on one. He is going to do a course but I am pretty sure that he will meet her as it is the same country.

I am so lonely and just needed to write.

[Doolhof]

Hi Chubby Boo,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. I am so sorry to read of the difficulties you are experiencing with your husband. There are so many people, me included, who dearly wish their relationship was different.

Have you ever asked your husband if he would consider couples counselling? You can contact "Relationships Australia" they might have something on offer in your area.

My husband goes away with his mates more than he does with me and I find that very hurtful. As far as I know he does not have any other female interests, but then again how would I know? I never check his mobile phone or his emails. He is home all day while I am out working.

It is very difficult when a relationship comes to such a strangled point. You could try phoning the people here at Beyond Blue, sometimes talking to people is a help. They may be able to offer a few suggestions.

Is there any way you can go on that holiday with your husband? Is it possible to both be away from your business at the same time?

Do you have hobbies and interests that you could become more involved in so your days have more sense of happiness for yourself?

Do you go out alone with friends? Do you have an opportunity to go out with your husband? I know you mentioned you ask him to be involved in couples things. If you organised something yourself for the two of you, would he join you? Even a trip to the cinema or to a restaurant?

Hopefully other people will have some ideas for you as well.

Cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools

[Simona]

What is it that you are getting out of this union?   I don't know how old you are  - but life is too short for this kind of miserable servitude- playing second fiddle to 'invisible' mistresses,  trying to please, playing submissive all the while the years roll on and youth fades.   Forgive my words if they are a tad blunt but....if there is no love why sentence yourself to perhaps another 9 years of this?      This man sounds more like your employer than your husband.  I understand you say you own business together but to me , it sounds like he's the one calling the shots. 

Maybe re-read your post and think what if it was your daughter writing this?   How would you feel? What would you tell her?

I don't know...I'm just a stranger bored and wanting to read but if you were my sister I would tell you to follow your heart and be brave and be lonely no more.

By the way, if my partner behaved liked that he'd have dinner on his head. Seriously! Your man has oversized ego me thinks.   I would put him on diet.

[Katarzyna]

Hey ChubbyBoo12,

This post just turns my stomach. It has so many parralells to my relationship, which ended 5yrs ago. I was in the similar place as you. Not with a business involved, but house, friends, assets. I put up with the first Ms Confidante, as I was told I was suffocating him and he couldn't talk to me. He eventually ran off with the second Ms Confidante. That may not happen with your partner. But to be treated that way is the pits. And you don't deserve it. Don't let him keep you on the sideline as a reserve. You deserve to live and be happy. And about the ex, he's still flitting around from one girl to another, always having one on reserve. 

[ChubbyBoo12]

Thanks Katarzyna for your reply. I feel assured and strengthened that I am not alone in this situation. It is still very hurtful and hard but I know that I will be alright. I will make a decision soon. You are right, I do not deserve to be a spare.

[ChubbyBoo12]

Thanks Mrs Dools.

Yes, I have suggested couples counselling but he refused. He says that he does not want and need it.

I have asked him about going on the holiday together and he says that it is not happening because I have to stay and look after the business and the house.

If I organise or suggest going out for dinner ( just the 2 of us ), he would go. The outing will go like this:

go to the restaurant, eat, leave and return home. Nothing more and the there will hardly be any talk except things about the business.

Yes, I do do things on my own. I have joined a Book Club, I have a lunch group.

We do watch football together and discuss that. Besides that, nothing much.

I have to get strong in myself and take the bold step.

Thanks

[ChubbyBoo12]

Thanks Simona for that reality check. I have been thinking about it. I need to get strong in myself and take the bold step. I will.

[Doolhof]

Hi again,

Some other people have voiced their opinions, a bit more strongly than I have. I tend to agree with them. We all deserve the right to be treated with respect and honesty.

I came home early from work one day and found my first husband in bed with one of my girlfriends! I soon discovered she was not the only one. In the end I left him. I thought if they wanted him they could have him. I was still quite young and we did not have a business involved. It was quite an easy thing for us to divorce way back then.

What ever you decide to do, think it through first with a clear mind. I suggest you talk to someone professional about how you are feeling and ask for any advice you might need one way or another.

If you are sceptical about the course even happening, can you ask him for details about the course and where it will be held?

Maybe even ask him if he is really going over seas for a course or not and ask him what he expects when he returns home.

It is a shame he is not willing to attend couple's counselling with you. It might have been beneficial for you both.

I wish you all the best with your decisions. Maybe even write out the pros and cons of the ideas that are running through your mind so you are clear about what you need/want to do next.

From Mrs. Dools

[daybyday83]

Hi ChubbyBoo,

 I know many people have already voiced similar opinions, but wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this situation.  I was in a similar relationship (although thankfully no significant assets or children), together for 5 years.  Similarly, my (ex)wife also had another partner, which worsened the (already present) emotional and physical gap between us.  Your description of dinner outings sounds exactly like my recollections of those days too.  For at least the last year I was trying to make things work, not because I could even remember happiness there between us, but for the fear and uncertainty of the world alone.  At the time I could have talked all day about reasons it was worth staying, but now I can't think of a single valid one.

Long story short, things broke down completely and these days i'm much happier for it.  Sure, the next 12 months was like going through hell, but after readjusting I realized that it was not worth the pain of trying to stick it out.  I was lucky enough to have some very supportive colleagues/friends who made all the difference, both while fighting for the relationship and afterwards.

These days I'm in another relationship, a very positive change.  The main thing that I realized was wrong with the previous one was the lack of respect.  Just pointing this out to add that now the feeling that the breakdown of with the previous partner no longer feels like an end, but more a transition to a healthier way to live.

If I could offer two pieces of advice; 1) remember to be kind to yourself.  You are trying to be a good partner, but for this you need to be in a good place yourself. 2) Having a support network can save your sanity.  Knowing someone is there to listen when your mind starts to spiral (even if they can't offer solutions) really helps.  

 Good luck

[geoff]

dear ChubbyBoo, there have been so many good replies back to you, and before I comment on my own experience I want to reply to your comment first.

I am going to be a bit blunt here, but always gentle on the person who posts their comment, 99% of the time, so I won't beat about the bush here, your husband is only going away to be with his Miss Fluesy or what ever the word is, he is only lying to you.

Don't the alarm bells start to ring if he has one or two girlfriends on the side and wants to go away without you, and the same applies to texting them or even having their mobile phone, who he may not use his mobile to ring them, but instead ring them from work, from a secret pay as you go mobile, that is prepaid, to me the signs are all there, and remember if you still satisfied him then this doesn't mean he won't have a fling on the side, boy he must be lapping it all up, sex here sex over there, and when he goes away he can do anything he wants, that's how a marriage should ever work.

We had booked and paid for a site down at a popular sea-side when our 2 sons were young, but unfortunately I was depressed, however we still went.

One day I wanted to take my wife out for lunch, where her brother could look after our sons, it took awhile for her to agree, and when we got home to the caravan, I was hoping something might happen, which did, and she told me to go and check out the cricket score in the main pavillion, and when I was walking back I saw her come out of the public phone booth, and told me that she was ringing someone, but didn't tell me who.

This happened after I caught her twice back home ringing again from a public phone booth.

Bang crash I went further into depression and just wanted to go home, and I could never trust her again, ever though we still talk and see each other now.

Lack of trust in any relationship is why so many couples break up, and personally they are never worth trying to regain their companionship, because it will only happened again and again. L Geoff. x