Jealousy Issues in my relationship.
Where do I start? I'm in a relationship with an incredible girl. We've been together around 5 months now and I honestly couldn't ask for a better person. We're both absolutely crazy about each other. She's honest, open, understanding, loyal...
So I guess you're probably thinking, "...What exactly is the issue here?" Well, in my previous relationship I got left for my best friend... Twice. Yep, 2 of my best friends. It has left me with severe insecurity and trust issues. My previous partner was nothing like my current one, so it makes no sense to compare them in anyway, but my brain doesn't seem to agree.
I get jealous over the most ridiculous things. It's like there's 2 sides of me whenever the jealousy arises; One side that's being irrational and one that's trying to be the voice of reason. Example: She was playing cards with her sisters boyfriend and they were just chatting, standard banter and chit chat. Then suddenly, I start getting jealous for some ridiculous reason! My brain starts going, "She seems a little attracted to him." Things like that. Then my voice of reason starts going, "Are you serious right now, dude? Are we really doing this?" But I can't ever seem to snap out of it. It spirals into this ridiculous made-up scenario and eventually I had to walk out the room and calm myself down, or at least try to.
Now my girl always knows when something is up with me. So she asks and I always tell her exactly what the issue was no matter. She's a little hurt by my irrational ideas, but she always understands after I explain why. Like I said, she's incredible. She has asked me to always tell her when I start getting these feelings so I have been.
But I don't want her to have to deal with this side of me. I want to control it on my own and focus on the beautiful relationship I've found myself in. Has anyone had to deal with these kind of feelings before? How to you keep them at bay?
Thanks in advance, everyone have a great day
Thanks for your post.
It sounds like you have a lot of insight which I think is a great strength; recognising where the insecurity comes from, and the two little people in your head that are debating, being able to step away from it, and being able to talk about it. From my point of view that's a win win win win.
My suggestion though is that instead of going 'seriously dude?' you switch it - so in the same situation, where the part of you assumes she's attracted to him - battle that with logic - why? Where is the evidence? and so what if he is attractive; that doesn't necessarily mean that she would cheat on you? I always think of it like being Spock; use the logic.
From what I see you've got a great girlfriend who has given you no reason not to trust her; and you get to work with that as it is. Sadly, we will never know for sure that people will never cheat on us; and yes that's a loss - and yes it's painful, but you can still move forward with it. I kind of feel like that's the risk of liking/loving someone. There will always be a risk that things won't work out, but if we find someone we care about then it's worth going all in.
Hey thanks for the reply, also sorry about all the typos, was in a rush haha.
I guess you're right. Ever since my first bout with Anxiety and Depression I haven't been able to stop studying it. So I guess I've learnt a few things about myself in the process.
I actually try to do that when these situations arise, however logic seems to hold absolutely no merit once I've hit a certain point. My anxiety kicks in and everything falls apart. I guess I become very 'good' at finding the evidence, so good in fact that I find things that aren't even there!
That's exactly right. The thing is, I can tell from every aspect of this girl; her personality, her family, her friends, her history, her upbringing... She would NEVER cheat in 1,000 years. It's just not in her DNA. Yet for some reason I continue to search for misery?
Thanks for your post and no worries about the typos!
I think that it's wonderful that you've learned so much about yourself in the process. You mentioned that you've been in a relationship for 5 months but is jealously something that you've struggled with for a while?
I completely understand the feeling of logic has no hold; I think that's the case for many people. Emotions can be very overpowering. It's important though not to give up. You still have this logic side of you - even if that voice might be small and shy right now.
How long have you had anxiety and depression for? How do you usually manage your anxiety?
I'm not sure how much you know about the biology of anxiety but the short version is we have our front brain (the prefrontal cortex to be specific) which is in charge of all the logic and the amygdala which is kind of our scared emotion brain (responsible for anxiety). The more that we can focus our attention on our front brain (use logic) the easier it will be.
Things like meditation have a super strong affect on allowing our logic brain to be stronger; so I really encourage you to give it a go - because science! But I do think that over time it can really help.
Good morning, good to hear from you again 🙂
Oh it's been around long before this. I've come a lone way, but I've always had trouble with my own confidence and self esteem and I believe it stems from that.
I've had it most of my life, but after a severe panic attack in 2014 my symptoms escalated big time. I've always turned to the "big 3" for managing it, sleep, diet and exercise.
I've read a little about that but the way you've said it makes a lot of sense. Regarding meditation, something I want to start doing is meditating daily. Would you be able to recommend some guided meditation that is specifically for anxiety?
Thanks again for your time, it's nice being able to talk about this 🙂
Hi hy_im_ty, 🙂
Thanks for your post.
It sounds like this is something that you've experienced for a while; have you ever talked to a therapist about it? Great to hear though that you've been keeping on the big 3! Those are all incredibly important.
I'm glad to hear that you're looking at trying meditation. Generally when starting out people like to use Headspace. Calm is also a great one to use. I've tried a few and never paid for anything; so always hunt for the free ones! It's also okay if it feels uncomfortable or hard for a little while. Sometimes it can just take a little while to find your groove.
Another thing that can be helpful is mindfulness meditation; this can be as simple (or at least sound simple) as paying attention to the rise and fall of your breath. Unlike other meditations, you don't need to dedicate time to do it - just try to take a few moments out of your day just to focus on your breathing for a little bit. This also has the same benefits as the meditations where people lay on the floor, so win-win!
Hi Again 🙂
I've never spoken to one about my jealousy issues, no. I think I should because it's really bad. I'm living in this constant fear of being cheated on. It's like I search for the worst possible scenario, latch onto it and try to imagine a way it will come true. For example, she has a party this weekend where she'll be dressing up (She looks amazing) and there's going to be a heap of football players there. So of course I cannot stop thinking the worst, literally to the point where I ruin my mood every day.
I'm giving headspace a try, it seems really good! The mindfulness style sound perfect for me as I'm always so busy!
Thanks for your post.
It sounds like maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone about what's going on for you. I can only imagine how draining it would be to have this nagging feeling. Have you considered seeing a psychologist? With the Mental Health care plan from Medicare you can get 10 free visits so it might be worth having a go.
I'm so glad you're liking Headspace! and really glad that the mindfulness is working out for you!
Sometimes it can help to add a little reminder to your phone to help you 'check in'; especially if you're so busy it can really help. I often try and take a few moments throughout the day just to 'check in' and really focus on my breath. I find that it helps too and of course, the more you do it the easier it gets.