I'm not the bad guy : (

[stormrider]

My problems started through my brother in law. First mistake was hubby and I buying a shared title property (2 houses) with him. Second mistake going into a shared business with him. That was ok, until he broke up with his wife and took up with a Narcissist. Long story short, the narcissit took over the books and embezzeled unknown amounts of money. Eventually they left to rent a place and his son moved in his house. The son's relationship also broke up and he got into drugs and for the next two years refused to pay any electric costs (shared connection), so we had to pay his and ours or be disconnected. Also hubby was forced to get another job as the business was in trouble, so he left bro in law with it. Bro inlaw got deeper and deeper into debt and stopped paying his share of the rates, so we've had the full amount for the last 7 yrs or so. Hubby has great integrity and love for his bro, so he sticks his head in the sand rather than ruffle any feathers, but I resent these relations taking advantage of us like that. Then bro in law broke up with his narcissist and moved into our house... for four days, said hubby, while his son moved out of bro inlaw's house. I was happy at the thought of the electric abusing son going, so I agreed, but 3 months on, bro inlaw is still in my house paying no board, while receiving full board and his son, still in the other. I finally snapped and caused a scene. It's so mentally taxing on me. We also have hubby's mother living with us, who is a blind invalid and I am her full time carer. Hubby pretty much accused me of being heartless to his poor, hard done by brother. I suggested we subdivide the property, so at least the electric problem and rates will no longer cost us, but I'm getting pretty much no support from hubby. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. If I could just go ahead and subdivide, without him, I would have done it years ago. I've told hubby how unhappy I am, but he seems to think I'm the one being unreasonable. I really don't know what to do. I got mad the other day and said I might have to divorce him, he made out that this is what I have been wanting, but it isn't. I've been doing all I can to cope and have my concerns heard, but he doesn't seem to hear me. I told him he is driving me to it. I'm so unhappy I am constantly tearing up. I don't blame hubby, I blame his crappy brother. Why doesn't he see that bro in law is the bad guy here, not me : (?

[LavenderTea]

Hey stormrider,

I commented on your welcome post, but once again welcome to the forums.

This sounds like it's taking a massive toll on you and on your relationship with your husband and I'm sorry to hear that.

When it comes to family, a lot of people can find it tricky to put their foot down. This can be because people think along the lines of "well what would that say about me" - which, by what you've said about your husbands integrity, is where he might be coming from.

It can be difficult to have these conversations with one another if this is the only perspective your husband is considering. Have you thought about couples counseling? It might just allow you two to talk about these types of things in an environment that's outside of your home where all these things are happening.

In the other post, I did also suggest 1800 RESPECT. Now that I've read this post, it seems like it's more of an extended family issue, but it might still be a helpful site/chatline.

I'd suggest thinking of times when you and your husband have communicated well before, and think of what you did in that situation and how you approached it, and try it again. Typically, it's good to explain how you're feeling, what's happening for you, and what you're thinking in a way that doesn't sound blaming, especially since this seems like a sensitive topic for your husband (i.e. since it's concerning his relationship with your brother).

Hopefully this helps.

LT.

[stormrider]

Thank you LT, for your concern and advice. It helps just to have someone that can see and understand my perspective on the situation. I've been feeling isolated like a misunderstood outsider, with three blood relatives all sharing a house with me.

It is difficult for me to discuss this issue with my husband, as he seems to immediately get his heckles up and become defensive. I did manage to get in one conversation to try to convey my feelings on the matter, but although I thought we might have made some headway, nothing changed and the next time I brought it up, I got the brick wall again. He also is very anti counselling, although I think an impartial perspective would be helpful.

I got some discouraging news after I emailed a company about subdividing also yesterday. I was informed, by the professional who put the neighbours property through subdivision, that it was a difficult task, as the parties responsible for ok-ing it are very reluctant to grant subdivision permission : /.... but hey, they got permission in the end, so it's not impossible!

Fortunately I am, usually, an optimist, so I try to look at the positives. The problem is, that the situation has dragged on for so long and only seems to get worse instead of better and it seems like reaching that light at the end of the tunnel is like trying to walk to the end of a rainbow and the light seems to get further away all the time, instead of brighter.

I do appreciate your reply and advice. I will work on trying not to throw in the towel, but it's even hard for me even to keep complaining and making myself heard as conflict is very exhausting and depressing for me. I normally do all I can to avoid it. I do feel that now I have made a stand, I should not back down, but I'm not enjoying the experience.

Best regards,

Jill

[LavenderTea]

Of course Jill.

Do feel free to keep posting whenever you need to, even if it is just to vent. Even though this isn't something I've gone through personally, I do understand where you're coming from.

Sometimes it can be hard when you are usually an optimist, since these types of long, drawn-out situations can be mentally exhausting, and when you feel like you're constantly complaining, it can be disappointing because that's generally not who you are.

Often people need to work on smaller things rather than the one major problem, so if you can think of smaller ways that you husband can help the situation, maybe start with those?

It might be helpful for you to practice some self care. just so that you can have a break from it all. Small things, like, getting out of the house, and going for a walk can be good, just to help you relax too.

LT.

[stormrider]

Thanks LT,

You do seem to understand where I am coming from and that makes me feel far less stressed on it's own. As my post title suggested, I felt like I was being frowned upon for being uncharitable, but there is a difference between helping someone out and just being taken advantage of. I'm happy to help people in need, but I would expect them to help themselves a bit too. Maybe I'm too harsh? Anyway you helped me feel a bit better about myself and I thank you for that.

I do take time out to get some fresh air and alone time. Being an introvert that is important at the best of times. I think also having to care for my mother in law 24/7 is also a bit of a burden, although I certainly don't begrudge her. She would rather be living independently if she were able and she does what she can to help. I'm sure she has her own mental struggles, dealing with her constant pain and declining health.

I have taken your, very sensible, advice on board. I hope that somehow things will work out for the best. In the mean time I feel in a better place than I was at first contact.

Thanks again. I feel stronger for the support.

Best wishes,

Stormrider

[LavenderTea]

Hey Stormrider,

I'm really glad to hear that just chatting on this forum is helping, even if it's in the slightest way.

Feel free to keep posting if you need to, I'm happy to listen.

LT.

[Kryptonite]

I feel so sorry that you are stuck in this hard place. Hubby is allowing himself to be used and it has gone on so long. Sometimes love isn’t enough, is it?