I feel like im not good enough for my girlfriend

[Cosmicpanda]

So i have been dating my new girlfriend for about 3 months now. We are both 26yo.

1. *Side note ( i have ADHD and dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life which i have gone through with her)

A bit of background off her first, she comes from a quite strict italian family (but so do i to some extent so i understand what its like for her, and she has never been in a relationship before.

So ive kind of always realised it since the start but kind of just played it off as abit of banter, until recently as it has just kept coming up and ive actually looked back at what she said and how she said it. 

So i have about 9 ear piercings and a few tattoos, which she has openly said to me she would rather me not have them and she would prefer a clean version of me, even after i opened up and told her about the reason i have them, that they represent my own personality, need for autonomy and that they represent a time in my life where i was struggling and im proud to have them, and its not like i was hiding them from day 1 i always had them. I also had longish hair at the start of the relationship which she didnt really like but i didnt think much of it and got it cut to suprise her.

I have a motorbike aswell and i was just super excited to show her some of my new gear, and she would just turn around and say "oh we can talk about that later".

I feel like im not good enough for her, even though i feel myself i really am 😕

Like she has this perfect picture/mould of a bf that she wants to take home to her parents and she is trying to make that into me. And for once in my life i feel im actually comfortable being myself and not something im not and masking my true self but i feel like she is bringing me back there.

Also when we have conversations i feel like i have to filter what i am going to say incase our opinions differ and she gets offended (which has happened), like im walking on eggshells.

I am happy to change and make compromises but i feel this may be too far???

But all in all she does atm make me feel like pretty shit. When for once i was actually starting to feel good

I am going to tell her how i feel, and just see where it goes from there, i dont want to write the relationship off straight away

[nskye]

Hi Cosmicpanda, 

I came across your post, and as I read it, I feel I can relate to you. I thought the same way about myself in my last relationship. I felt like I was trying to be someone else to keep the relationship going, while deep down, I knew that was not who I am. I started reading self-help books about relationships when I started feeling trapped, and the relationship was making me more anxious and unhappy. All of them would say that a healthy relationship should come with compromises and honesty from both sides, so having an honest conversation with your girlfriend and letting her know your thoughts would help your relationship as long as the discussion does not get off track and both sides can listen to each other with compassion, understanding, and respect. Perhaps reassure how you feel about her throughout the conversation, and don't forget to validate her thoughts and feelings on the points she makes, even if they might not be what you want to hear. Validating does not mean you have to agree with each other but to show that you care enough to understand the point the other is making. If you are looking to improve this situation and want to continue being together, I believe you should try to work on being open to compromises and accepting each other.

One thing I find helpful in this situation is to prep what you want to say to your girlfriend before the discussion by writing your thoughts down and reading them through to ensure that you have included everything you want to say. I also suggest keeping in mind that the goal is for you both to be on the same page because sometimes the things we say might mean one way, but the person we speak to might feel differently. You are your person and shouldn't feel like you are not good enough to be with anyone because that's not true. We all deserve love and acceptance.

I hope that you guys can work it out and make a positive turning point in your relationship.

Good luck ✨ 

n

[ecomama]

Hey Cosmicpanda, SUCH a cool username lol, hope you don't mind I use CP? 

Sorry to say, but I will, that in your 1 and only first post, I see so many red flags in this r/ship, ughh! 

I was shocked to read "she would prefer a clean version of me" OMG WHAT IS THAT??
You wash right? 
Don't answer that, I was being facetious.
Man, I wouldn't be able to let go of that comment.... 
INDEED you seemed to need to make all those justifications when, do you ACTUALLY have to make ANY justifications at all? The answer is no you don't. 

That was Number 1. 

2. You CUT YOUR HAIR to please her?? Heavens, what's to come next... 

3. "I feel like im not good enough for her, even though i feel myself i really am". 
I'm putting it all out there, I think you're TOO GOOD for her. Motorbike and all!! 

4. She doesn't like you have a motorbike? 

I'd begin a convo by asking what DOES she like about you? (Watch out for; you have a job, you have money, she wants to settle down & have a family, you're from the same culture... HUGE red flags to me anyway). 

5. Walking on eggshells is a sign you're in a toxic r/ship.... or another sign. We may reduce our swearing etc in company but.... 

6. You feel shitty already and it's ONLY been 3 months. 

I'd be furious if one of my children's partners were treating them this way, then I'd work on their SELF WORTH. 

A warm welcome to the forums, sorry I usually say that first! 

Love EM

[Petal22]

Hi Cosmicpanda,

Wellcome to our forums.

I'm sorry this is happening.

You are you and you really shouldn't feel as though you need to change yourself for someone else.

The right girl for you will love you just the way you are and wont feel as though you need to change to suit her.

You shouldn't feel as though you need to mask your true self, please don't do this you are worthy of someone wanting to be with you for you.

If this person isn't making you feel good and you feel yourself going backwards I'd ask myself if this was worth it?

Look after yourself

[Cosmicpanda]

Hey EM,

haha of course you can use CP 😁
Thanks heaps for your reply, I really appreciate it 😊

We are going to have dinner tomorrow and hopefully have a good convo about this and basically how I feel atm, i've been writing down kinda whats been going through my head that i want to say, but yer i think the hardest bit will be trying to start the conversation, i know from my own therapy the best way to be going about this conversation would be using 'I' statements, but i find it hard to start a convo that way aswell. i want to start they way you said i think.

Thanks again, ill let you know how it goes 😊

[ecomama]

Hey CP lol

You appear to be such a caring and wonderful young man. I really hope gf can learn to appreciate you for who you are. I know another young lady would! Choose carefully. 

Brene Brown's research shows us we can use a "magic sentence"... it goes like this.... 
"darling (that's my word not yours haha) when you (insert a comment she said that's awful, offensive), it makes me feel (insert feeling)" 
Then...

use the pregnant pause... meaning you wait for as long as it takes for her to respond, even if she asks you to repeat the magic sentence... 

Then wait.

Only one point at a time. 
You may only cover one point over dinner! 

It'll be really interesting what she comes up with!
I'm going to say there's no excuse. Her behaviour is controlling and nowhere near good enough. 

This is NOT about you controlling the situation (don't let her gaslight you!)... this is about you setting up firm boundaries about behaviours you will and won't tolerate in your relationships and life. 
NB: The FIRST sign of abuse is feeling that 'gut instinct' being triggered telling you something's not right. 
The 2nd is a feeling of confusion. 

You've got this CP. You're all over this situation. More power to you. 

Love EM

[geoff]

Hello Cosmicpanda, she was attracted towards you as you are, whether or not you have ear rings and long hair didn't matter when you started going out together and a compromise can be discussed on both sides, not only what she wants you to do, but also what you want her to do, and even if you cleaned yourself up to please her parents, that doesn't mean they are going to like you anyway.

It's not the parents you are marrying, it's their daughter, if this eventuates, and what happens if the two of you are really happy but her parents aren't, well you need to discuss any issues that affect the two of you, not her parents.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Cosmicpanda]

Hey 
sorry took so long to reply, i wanted to but its been a crazy couple of weeks.

so we ended up having quite a long conversation that night, it was actually alot harder than i thought it was going to be, i said basically all i needed to say to her about how i was feeling about the relationship, but she really gave me nothing back in the conversation, i was actually quite emotional and crying, especially when she suggested the possibility that we should break up or take a break, but surprisingly she really showed nothing; i even told her like you dont have to hide your emotions with me, but she reassured me that she wasnt hiding anything (which actually hurt quite abit because i would of thought there would of been some or any emotion even on her face, but there was nothing...)

well i guess one of the main parts in the conversation was when i told her about when said how she would prefer the clean version of me, she immediately said i didnt say that, she must of saw my reaction to her answer and kind of tried to backtrack but not really, she was saying the same thing just differently.

So we ended up breaking up that night.
She actually msgd me about a week later to see when id be home so she could drop some of my stuff off, which was fine but i thought maybe she would of had something to say, or explain or anything, but i guess not, she just dropped my stuff off and left.

so i dont know i guess since then i feel like since we broke up, ive been lost, numb almost like when we broke up she took a part of me (if that makes sense?)

Thanks again 🙂 

[Juliet_84]

Hi CosmicPanda,

I empathize with your situation so much. All you want is for someone to love you and accept you for who you are, not try and mould you into some cookie cutter shape. You are you and that is what makes you unique, your experiences and your tattoos etc with their own meanings. It’s incredibly difficult but what all of us ever really need to do is unapologetically be ourselves and over time that will weed out the people who are not for us and we will be left with all the people who are ‘our people’ so to speak 🙂 if you try and conform to the generic image that she has in her head, you do yourself a grave disservice and just prolong the inevitable. In the same way that she wants you to be that guy, you want her to be the emotionally intelligent and perceptive woman in your mind and she will never be that either. You just have to stick with it and your people will find you x