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Hello

I'm not sure what to do or how to respond to my husband's porn addiction.

For years he has had ED and we haven't had a lot of intimacy in our relationship. His porn addiction has come up as an issue before and he reassures me that he will never look at it again.

Just recently I was on our computer and noticed it on an open tab. I was really shocked and hurt. I feel betrayed because he lied to me.

As much as it hurt, I could understand why he'd look at it to perhaps improve things in the intimacy department but now it seems to have replaced ANY intimacy between us.

I feel uncertain about our future and feel numb.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

MP

19 Replies 19

Tim,

Thanks for your reply.

He's tried getting help from specialists but treatment is expensive and I guess what he's doing is an escapism. It's just fantasy for him. He would never actually go out and physically cheat on me.

I'd be up for counselling if I knew absolutely for certain that it would be different this time. Previous times, there has been the right kind of talk but not a lot of follow through on the action.

He knows how this affects me but it's made little difference. I've mentioned it a few times.

He's a nice guy and is good at his job plus he's a good Dad.

Hi MummaPetal,

I’m responding here because I have lived with similar experiences throughout our 35 yrs of marriage.

What can I say?

My husband is a good man in so many different ways.

Our life and our marital ‘team’ has always had the potential to be fantastic.... and we’ve had a great life together in so many ways, but the intimacy and the sex element has been blighted/ruined by his long term addiction to secretly engaging in porn. I guess you’ll understand this.

I hate, utterly hate porn.

I hate what it does to the mind, to the very ‘soul’ of a person.

But I don’t hate my husband for it, I don’t hate him. Although at the time... I did indeed hate him. And yet still love him. I wanted my man, not this stranger.

I can see how much it has shamed him in the past, how it diminished him and in turn me.

How he lied and lied, filled with hot rage if I found evidence, denied it to the nth degree.

And how he cried and cried when he saw the likely end of our life together.

He once said to me ‘I just want a new head.’ Those images are burnt into his mind. It’s horrible.

My husband is a ridiculously good looking man, funny and immensely likeable - and he became captive to a soul sucking industry from a very very young age. Before he met me.

He has underlining poor self esteem, which you wouldn’t know from his general social interaction.

Porn was his ‘go-to’. When he couldn’t speak his truth, his frustrations with life, with us - porn would take him into a place of quick release and fantasy.

About seven years ago I started drinking very dangerously.

I.... just self medicated. Quietly numbed with, vodka, I hid my drinking, the bottles - I lied.

I remember my husband in cold fury poured a nearly full bottle of vodka down the sink. There was nothing left in the house.

I can’t begin to find words for the intense rage, shock and terror I felt.

The ‘pathways’ that took me into territory that could destroy my life are the same pathways that kept my husband captive to secret porn.

In both cases we escape reality, risking self destruction and chaos around everything that matters - whilst our partner is put into a separate compartment in our life.

I’m writing this, because I’ve learned that nothing is black and white.

He may be able to master his weakness and impulses, but it will always be a battle until he has a major inward shift. Even then....

The question is whether you can live with that.

It’s so darned hard when you know things could be so much better.

I am saddened to hear there were issues with follow through previously.

If you are concerned about cost and follow through...

I also have apps on my phone to help with anxiety and depression. So while I speak with my psychologist periodically these apps also provide support between sessions and places like this.

As an aside, just as there are groups like AA, you may be able to find some local support groups. It is important that you look after yourself also. Is there anyone that you can talk to? A trusted friend or family? There may be groups available for you, similar to Al Anon.

Of course these tools are only as good as they are utilised when needed. These may seems like small steps and it might also put your husband into the right headspace for getting professional help?

I would like to say that open communication between a married couple and compromise and finding ways through issue ... but I would also be somewhat hypocritical if I am not always like that myself. Rather that say talk to you, goes to the porn. The reasons don't matter . It looks like you love your husband, just not some of his behaviours.

Just following my last post...

You know, living with this changes you... living with a partners addiction is traumatising.

Sex and porn addiction have their own special poison.

I absolutely knew when he was back into that world - even without evidence. He changed. His eyes seemed to lose their warmth and connection, no matter how hard he tried to act as if nothing was amiss.

He inwardly hated himself for it.... He was angry. The anger found its way to me. Perhaps you’ve found this in your marriage?

Perhaps some space, an informal separation for a space of time will help you both to sort out what the future could or should look like?

For the record. Our marriage has found is own peace and yes, joy.
But that’s our unique story. It’s been a tough life battle.
And it’s not for everyone, to keep in the relationship - it’s just our personal path..

You have to count the cost to you personally to live with it....you know?

Give yourselves a warm wraparound of compassion. Most importantly can you give your own dear self some space and time to breathe?

I have written my experience as I just wanted to express some real empathy in my post, given my own life. I hope that’s OK, apologies that it’s long. Take care. Hugs.

Hi Phoebe wings

Simply remarkable- your account will be helping so many consider there could be hope in remaining together.

TonyWK

Hi Tony and (also to MummaP)

There are so many life stories here, involving porn, prostitutes etc.

I started off my married life as a young woman who would have zero tolerance for any of the above.

I still hate it. I hate the narcotics industry, the gambling industry - all that sticky lure in which to lose oneself. Ruining lives.

I did not mean to write my story as if to say ‘hey you can make it work, like we did !’

The thing for myself and my partner in life, is that even at rock bottom, when everything seemed completely lost - somewhere in there we were still the twenty somethings who had fallen in with each other and could laugh together, wink at each other as we shared intuitive thoughts, loved each other - and had hopes, creative goals and plans.... hidden from view, we still existed in the rotten mess.

There was still ‘something’ there, even though it didn’t feel like it at times.

That’s the difference.

We still cared.

Dear MummaPetal,

I hope some of this is in some way helpful. But for now it seems you just need a rest from the heartache.

I’m sorry dear. Please take care.

Hi Mummapetal

Just wondering how you are at the moment. If we can help further please let us know

TonyWK

Hi Tony,

Thank you for asking.

I'm talking to a counsellor next week. There's been a lot going on.

I'll update later.

Take care,
MP

Hi MummaPetal,

I feel for you, I really do. I can hear in your ‘voice’ that you sound defeated, like you have no fight left in you at the moment. I have been where you are at different times and for different reasons. But my advice would be, while you’re feeling like this, just remember that you don’t have to do anything right now. When we get so worked up about an issue we can put pressure on ourselves to act in the moment, but we realistically don’t have to. When I separated from my partner, it took me at least a year to build myself back up mentally. I remained in the relationship during this time but got myself mentally and physically strong, I figured what was the harm, either way it was a positive. It sounds to me like the porn is a secondary issue for you, it is the lack of intimacy and satisfaction in your sex life is the problem. The porn is just the added insult, that your partner thinks it acceptable to just ignore your needs entirely and is quite happy to sort himself out by watching porn. It may be due to his inadequacies in that department that he feels more comfortable. I suppose there is zero expectation with a video. But it doesn’t exactly seem reasonable to expect you to do without human touch for the rest of your life? I’m not sure how forthcoming he is with his feelings or the truth but you could lay it out for him and see what he says? Or just park it for a bit as I know you said got were a bit therapied out and revisit later when things aren’t so raw?

Hi Juliet,

Thank you for your comments. I am sorry to hear your been down this road yourself.

My husband isn't a bad guy. I just think he is lost. He told me he isn't depressed when I asked him. He also told me that he hasn't felt neglected when I've been busy being a mum. I do struggle with the lack of character in his voice and lack of emotions. He doesn't want to lose me but I'm not entirely sure if I can stay when I feel like there is such a disconnect between us. I'm a very social person and he is really introverted.

I believe his health issues and possibly his upbringing may have caused him to repress a lot of feelings.

I'm trying to get myself back on track again. I've felt like a live in maid. It's hard now with new CV restrictions to get out there and do what makes me happy. It's really frustrating.

Maybe this down time could be useful to gather more thoughts and see what happens within the relationship.

MP