how do i get help
I have been married for almost 20 years and have 3 beautiful kids. in the past few months i have had a bad run with work and i have been feeling down. i think it is depression but am not sure.
i do not feel like doing anything with my wife and do not have any intimacy feelings and it is is effecting our marriage. i have no idea why i do not feel like it any more. and i have always been a person that bottles up my feelings.
i do not think that i have a good father son relationship with my 15 year old. As i do not feel comfortable talking openly with him, as my parents never talk to us when we were growing up. my wife has complained about the a number of times too. But i find that the kids here are more advanced an knowledgable that i was when i was his age. as i grew up over seas.
i do not want my marriage to end as i think we have a lot to offer the kids together as mum and dad than a broken family
where do i get help from
Good on you for reaching out to the forum its a pleasure to meet you and I hope to be of some help with what is going on in your life. It is great that you recognize you are feeling down and it is affecting your marriage and relationship with your kids and there is help out there to work through it. Fairywings mentioned some wonderful ideas to start you on the right track. Visiting your gp and opening up about how you are feeling would be my first step, I bottle up my feelings all the time and only share them with my therapist as I can trust her. It's not healthy to do. Find someone you can trust that won't judge you and who will be supportive when you let go and open up. Can you talk about whats going on with your wife and try make her understand? If you are hiding the way you feel she could be taking your lack of intimacy personally and not talking to each other will only make things worse. If things don't go well may I suggest a professional counsellor, it might be easier to get things out in the open with someone there that can hear both sides and help you get to the real issues. This therapy may have a cost though which would need to be considered for your budget. I'm not sure what free counselling might be available for couples. Or you might decide to work on your relationship on your own, up to you. With your 15year old, it's never too late to develop a closer father-son relationship, and yes times have changed a lot and kids these days are growing up so fast and pretending to be adults but all anyone wants is to feel loved and accepted by their parents. Its so damaging when this doesn't happen. If your children have any interests like sports or hobbies or anything like that it might be good to go watch them play the sport or help them out with their hobby. To support the things they are into, that is what I would have wanted from my parents in my teen years. Always be there for them when they want to talk and when they dont want to talk, letting them know they can come to you with any problems and you will listen and help them much as you can will be a great gift to them as they grow into adults. I wish my parents had done that for me. Its wonderful you want a stronger relationship with your son. Let us know how you are going.
Thanks for posting.
First of all there are a number of different ways that you can get help; we talk a lot about psychologists here but there's many different people that work in the mental health field or that work in different settings (clinics, community centres, hospitals, etc). So please keep in mind that there is always more options out there to try.
Having said that, if you're looking at talking to someone there are probably two things that come to mind.
1) See a psychologist. This is a session just for you, rather than couples counselling (where your wife might come too). Here you can talk about relationships and intimacy with your wife as well as your relationship with your son, or anything else that comes up.
If you would like to go with this option I suggest you contact your GP for a referral.
2) See a couples counsellor. People often think of a couples counsellor as a last resort but this is not the case; they are simply psychologists with more experience in families and couples. They can work with both you and your wife together. Some sessions maybe just you, or maybe just your wife, or both of you. Ultimately it depends on how you are feeling about this and if you are willing to try this.
If you would like to go with this option I suggest you check out Relationships Australia and then click on your state for further information - https://www.relationships.org.au/
Feel free to post again if you have any questions. I know that it can be a whirlwind trying to find the right resource!
thank you for your reply, am sorry to her your story. you have come a long way since then I guess. I am so glad I joined this group. reading the advice really helps. I have made an appointment with my GP, let see what she says. I know if I tell my wife that I am depressed she is not going to believe me a gain. it is strange as she is in the medical industry and deal with these issues daily. may be that is why I think she knows better. I think keeping a journal might help. I will try that.
Dreamwish, thank you for your comments and it is very helpful. yes when I was growing up my parents never came to see me participating in sport, but it was different overseas where I grew up. my kids play a lot of sport and I do not miss a single game.This might be one of the reasons, as I am full on both days of the weekend with their sport and I do not get any time for myself of for my wife and I. My father never spoke to us when we were growing up, and I feel like i am doing the same to my kids. and I think my 15 year old is going the same way. does not talk much. I think I will have to re think of this hole father son relationship and my relationship with my wife.
thank you to you too romantic_thi3f
So guys i have taken the first step by writing to her. This is what i had to say. i hope i can work things out.
It is your Birthday and I know it is not the best way
you would have liked to spend your birthday, and I know it is mostly me that
you are feeling like the way you are. I do not know how to say this, but I have
no idea what has got into me. I know it is mostly to do with the bad run I have
had with work and the time I spend on the road. But this is not all to be
blamed. Yes I have not been talking to you much and yes I have not been
intimate with you, or I have not spent quality time with the kids, especially
XXXXX. These are not because I do
not love you or the kids or anything. It is because I have been so down with my
self and it has come to a point that I have even stoped praying.
Life is too short for us to live like this and we do
not know what will be there for us tomorrow. All I want to tell you is that I can see myself going from
bad to worse, and I need to do something about it, before it is way too late.
And that is why I have taken the step to get help. I know the help I have started
getting is making a difference, as I have taken the first step of writing this
to you. Sorry it had to be in your birthday card.
I truly want us to be the happy us again;
I want to be able to talk to the kids like friends so that they will talk to me
freely. I do not want to have a relationship with XXXX, XXXX and XXX the way I
had with my mum and dad. I do not
want to compare it to anyone but I want it to be unique.
All I want to say darling is that I am so sorry and I will
do my best to change things around. I may not be perfect but I am unique. And I
want that uniqueness to be in a good way.
I love you and the kids very much and I hope I can be
the man you married almost 20 years ago again.
Love you and wishing you a very happy Birthday
Wow your letter brought tears to my eyes its the sweetest thing I've ever read. And its from your heart, gosh you certainly aren't like how your parents were 🙂 You are your own unique self and I'm sure when your wife reads this she will feel the love and sincerity you poured out on the paper. You are trying and doing so much to become the man you want to be (and already are, just need the courage and confidence to believe in yourself).
It all takes time and seeking help will definitely get you on the road to recovery. I wish you well with your appointment with the gp.
Happy birthday to your lovely wife too. Hope you both have a great day.
thank you for your comments and encouragements. I hope my wife will see it the same way you guys have. may be I have let her down a bit too many times. by closing up and not talking to her.
I hope she has a good birthday as she has refused to go out for dinner or let me organize anything for her.
I still love her dearly. and I cannot see a life without her and the kids